Announcing this week’s fuck-ups from the Donald Trump campaign.

Happy Thursday and hi-de-ho from Howdygram headquarters, which actually consists of one housebound editrix (me) in hot and sticky north Texas. I will verify that statement with the following authentic screen shot from Weather.com. Yes, boys and girls, it’s a FUCKING INFERNO down here, and we’re entering a dreaded Triple-Digit Zone that typically runs through mid-September. Yee-haw, right?

Sam and I love the ritzy Star Transit senior citizen “cootmobile.”

Just in case you’re wondering how my doctor appointment turned out yesterday, the round-trip excursion on Mesquite’s ritzy senior citizen transport bus with a wheelchair elevator was absolutely fine, my visit with Dr. M was absolutely fine also, and I don’t have to go back for SIX MONTHS. Six months! I’ve been seeing her quarterly for about seven years so this is definitely a break from tradition.

Yee-haw! Let’s have a Medicare party!

Oy, I did it. With my 65th birthday looming ahead I just signed up for a Medicare Advantage plan! On the first of October I’ll be covered by Aetna’s Medicare Prime HMO, a very fine insurance thing with no monthly premium, no office visit co-pays, free generic drugs and — best of all — I get to keep Dr. M as my primary care physician! As soon as I get my paperwork from Aetna we’ll forward a copy to the halfwits in Sam’s personnel department so they can cancel my group insurance coverage on the appropriate date. Yee-haw! LET’S HAVE A MEDICARE PARTY! I’ll bring the diapers, cookies and denture cleaner!

It’s time once again for my regular, quarterly hoo-hah with Dr. M.

Happy Sunday, boys and girls! After spending the last day and a half working on a large number of adorable lunch box designs for The Howdygram Store (stop laughing!) I decided it was high time for a blog post covering the juicy news of the day. And here I am!

Introducing Sam’s Lone Star hot sauce collection!

Hey. Wondering where I’ve been for the last few days? I have a one-word answer: RIGHT HERE! (Okay, two words.) However I haven’t posted anything to the Howdygram because I was very busy working on projects for The Howdygram Store ... such as our new adorable wireless mice that coordinate with all of our mousepad designs! This involved a great deal of work, believe it or not, including: 1) designing artwork for 45 mice; 2) saving the aforementioned artwork as high-resolution PNG files; 3) uploading the artwork to Zazzle and creating each wireless mouse one-by-one; 4) writing product descriptions; 5) assigning a store category; 6) embedding search key words; and 7) I can’t think of anything else.

I’m not having a great day. (Donald Trump’s is even worse.)

Hi and howdy-do from Texas, y’all. I’ll begin with a simple statement: I’M NOT HAVING SUCH A GREAT DAY. While I’m not exactly in any actual pain, per se (see my official Shit-O-Meter readout, below), I do feel extremely lousy due to 24 hours of unhappy intestinal issues, chills and body aches from a low-grade fever, and — saving the best for last — an overactive, uncontrollable bladder that has me “marking territory” as I speed-shlep to the closest bathroom. As I said, I’m not having a great day. Not at all.

I didn’t think I wanted to write a Howdygram post tonight, but I lied.

Okay, so here’s the thing. In an effort to take a brief break from politics I didn’t think I wanted to write a Howdygram post tonight but — surprise! surprise! — I just changed my mind at the very last minute. It’s 11:23 p.m. and I’ll just keep on typing until my brain runs out of bullshit. (Actually, that could take a while.)

Happy almost-belated Father’s Day.

Happy Sunday night from hot and sweaty north Texas! It’s 81° at 11 p.m., I’m showered, fed and rested, Sam is outside in his slippers shuffling back and forth in front of the house, and I actually tried to start this post hours and hours ago — before lunch, actually! — but never really got into it. Therefore I’m way too late wishing everybody a happy Father’s Day, in case you’re a father. Here’s my annual celebratory graphic just for the hell of it.

Little Marco is back from the dead.

Oy. Medicare. THERE’S SO MUCH TO CHOOSE FROM! Around 8:45 yesterday morning I was jolted from a dead sleep on the chaise by a chatty Medicare Advantage rep named Ava who shot me with a barrage of questions, found me an excellent Aetna HMO Medicare plan, and then asked for a list of my prescriptions — please spell them, Mrs. Marks, how many milligrams do you take and how many times a day — and I did it! FROM MEMORY! Even better, it seems that all of my drugs, even both kinds of insulin, are considered Tier 1 generics with NO CO-PAY. Wow, yee-haw and holy shit!

Are you watching the Democratic filibuster in the Senate?!

Happy Wednesday night, people. If you haven’t been watching the televised event of the year, you’re missing a fantastic filibuster in the United States Senate! Senator Chris Murphy (D-CT) began this morning at 11:20 a.m. and it seems that he’s working with a tag-team of two other senators, bouncing back and forth with pre-arranged “questions” and “answers,” which is actually a very clever strategy: Cory Booker (D-NJ) and Dick Durbin (D-IL). Other participants have included Elizabeth Warren and Edward Markey (D-MA), Richard Blumenthal (D-NJ), Dianne Feinstein (D-CA), Ben Nelson (D-FL) and Charles Schumer (D-NY). Democrats from the House of Represenatives have been delivering “care packages” all day (mostly Red Bull, soft drinks and snacks) to keep the senators going.

Donald Trump is a pair of chapped lips superglued to a hairball.

Shalom to you and yours from the fine people at Howdygram headquarters! Today I’m pleased to announce the arrival of a fat and exceptionally official envelope from the Department of Health and Human Services that heralds my enrollment in Medicare — drum roll! — and launches yours truly into the wild and crazy world of Parts A and B, Advantage Plans, Medigap insurance and thoroughly annoying Part D prescription drug coverage. Incidentally ... can somebody please tell me WHY IS INSULIN SO FUCKING EXPENSIVE when it’s been around since 1921?!

Thank God I’m a housebound senior citizen. The world is scaring me to death.

Oy, I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF THIS SHIT. Our latest national tragedy features another angry lunatic with a machine gun, this time in a crowded LGBT night club in Orlando. So far 50 are dead and 53 injured, and authorities are calling it the worst mass murder in our country’s history. Once again the Republican shitweasels in Congress have proved their everlasting devotion to the NRA.

My latest Putz of the Week is a real doozy.

It’s 2:30 Saturday afternoon but I have to begin this post with a hearty GOOD MORNING! because I woke up less than an hour ago due to being completely upside-down, sleep-wise. I was conked out on the chaise in the family room until 3:45 this morning, dragged myself into the study to take the bedtime pills and insulin injection I’d forgotten the night before, and then decided to sit around and finish designing a thrilling new line of tranquility-themed greeting cards and snazzy padfolios for The Howdygram Store on Zazzle (see below). For your possible interest, this new collection of greeting cards (10 different designs so far) is NOT what you expect because the sentiments inside are definitely not tranquil in any way whatsoever. Thank you.

Our Clots “R” Us Do-It-Yourself Blood Clot Clinic was open for business this afternoon.

Hi, guys. I considered skipping today’s Howdygram post for one reason and one reason only: I can’t think of anything to write, not counting the following potential subjects: 1) I’m heading into another battle with Dr. M’s office regarding why the fuck don’t they respond to prescription refill requests; 2) if you’ve never tried Hormel Compleats’ Chicken Breast with Mashed Potatoes and Gravy you’re in for a glorious surprise; 3) I’ve got seven more new free fonts for you; and 4) my Clots “R” Us Do-It-Yourself Blood Clot Clinic was open for business this afternoon.

Everything you need to know about The Big Slipper Attack Hoo-Hah of 2016.

Hi-do-ho and happy Wednesday to you and yours! The world’s most adorable husband just got home from his weekly Costco excursion, and while Sam (the aforementioned adorable husband) refills our refrigerator with teeny tacos and assorted other whatnots I thought this might be a fine time to dive into today’s Howdygram post.

A sad day for the entire planet.

I was unable to write Howdygram posts for the last few days for the following perfectly acceptable reasons.

Donald Trump is a litigious wad of rancid lunch meat.

Hi, people. Did you miss me yesterday? I wanted to write a Howdygram post but got caught up designing a thundering herd of new mousepads for The Howdygram Store, my number one favorite new addiction as a retired graphic artist. Not only does this provide an ongoing creative outlet for me, I also earn a few bucks in royalties whenever Zazzle sells my products. MONEY IS TERRIFIC. Stay tuned ... I’ll share a few of my new designs later in this post.

Never trust the inmates.

Happy first day of June, boys and girls! I’ve decided to squeeze in this Howdygram post between all the heavy thunderstorms and pounding rain we didn’t get, thanks to the lying sacks of poo at Weather.com who wouldn’t recognize a heavy thunderstorm if it blew into town wearing a goddamn name tag. What a bunch of fucking idiots. When I went to bed last night we were expecting four hours of severe weather starting at 6:45 a.m. — FOUR HOURS! — and we got exactly nothing.