Customer service lesson: There are plenty of bozos with squeegees who know how to wash windows.

We have the sads right now at Howdygram headquarters, having just learned that legendary funny lady Joan Rivers died this afternoon. I loved Joan. I loved her voice, the huge fun she had entertaining an audience and every insane, outrageous thing that ever came out of her mouth, including a 20-minute shtick about “afterbirth” when I saw her live show in Las Vegas back in 1981. R.I.P., Joan.

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Hot news flash: CUSTOMER SERVICE NO LONGER EXISTS IN AMERICA. About a week ago I hired a local company to wash the exterior windows of our house but after three consecutive missed and rescheduled appointments I finally told them — about an hour ago, actually — to go fly a fucking kite already. THIS IS NOT ROCKET SCIENCE, PEOPLE. There are plenty of other bozos with squeegees who know how to wash windows, and whenever I’m ready to start horsing around with this crap again I’ll just call SOMEBODY ELSE. (I’ve got a list.)

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Hey, I’ve got another terrific senior citizen recipe for you! My TASTY SENIOR CITIZEN CHILI DOGS are the speediest way EVER to satisfy a craving without stuffing your feet into corrective shoes and shlepping to a restaurant. The ingredients include: 1) two cans of Vienna sausages; 2) one package of Homestyles low carb beef chili (canned chili is okay, too); 3) shredded cheddar cheese; and 4) an optional side dish of sugar-free bread & butter pickles.

Here’s all you need to do. Drain the Vienna sausages and dump them into a nice shallow bowl,  microwave the chili for 60 seconds and pour it on top of the sausages. Sprinkle shredded cheese on top and microwave for about one minute more until it gets melty. THAT’S IT. You wind up with a gorgeous bowl of tasty food that’s a perfect accompaniment to “Project Runway” or your favorite Melvyn Douglas movie. And the best part is, I guarantee that nobody will ever ask to share it with you. (Trust me.)

Thank you for reading this.