Thank God for prescription painkillers. Also braunschweiger.

Hi, people. It’s 5:45 in the morning and I’ve been awake since 4:30 due to feeling like crap. I have a screamy nerve in my right hip with pain radiating down the outside of my leg, my heels are killing me, I’m short of breath and every time I stand up I feel slightly sick to my stomach. It grieves me to report that Marcy’s Pain-O-Meter officially registers at level four right now, but THANK GOD FOR PRESCRIPTION PAINKILLERS. (Also braunschweiger.)

Guess who just bought a new desk lamp for Howdygram headquarters.

This has NOT been the best Sunday. A few key reasons follow for your possible interest.

Drugs are good.

Shalom, how’s the family and happy Saturday night from your pals at Howdygram headquarters! Sam is sleeping through Gandhi (1982) starring Ben Kingsley and a cast of billions and I’m trying to decide if I have enough energy or motivation to shlep myself back into the kitchen to reheat some leftover Chinese food from dinner. I’ve got a quart of hot & sour soup, crunchy things in little white bags, full containers of Hunan Shrimp and Orange Shrimp, two egg rolls rolled up in wax paper and a teeny cup of hot mustard. I’m definitely hungry right now, except it’s 2:15 a.m. and probably not the best time of day (night?) for a major food hoo-hah. Maybe I’ll save it all for breakfast instead and just enjoy a couple of sugar-free Russell Stover marshmallow Easter eggs.

Schock, Cruz and Pence. Let’s take a closer look at three forgettable Republicans.

It’s the wee hours of Saturday morning — shortly after 3 a.m., actually — and Sam is asleep. A few hours ago I promised you a jam-packed political Howdygram post, so glorioski and pass the popcorn ... THIS IS IT! I’ll use convenient subheads to help move the action along, okay?

I can hardly wait to start metering my own clots right here at Howdygram headquarters.

Although you weren’t here to see me feeling extremely miserable on Wednesday and Thursday, I’m pleased to make the following Friday announcement:

I do not feel like crap today.

If you want nice things in Missouri, try not to be poor.

It’s 7:20 a.m., Sam is still asleep, and I’m at my desk in the study waiting for a hydrocodone pill to kick in. These things are pretty damn awesome, but I have to admit that it’s not easy to write Howdygram posts when I’m totally wasted. I sat down to write several times yesterday and just couldn’t get anything off the ground. Today, lucky for you, I’M STARTING EARLY!

Learn how to play your Helpless Senior Citizen In A Wheelchair card.

I have no idea whether or not I’ll be able to write this Howdygram post. I’m desperate for a nap but after two unsucccessful attempts on the chaise in the family room due to that “screaming nerve” in my right hip and thigh I’m afraid I might be destined to sit here like a brain-dead lump of pasta, nodding off at seven-minute intervals with my wireless mouse leaping to its death on the floor. This is AWFUL, people.

The Canadian-born spawn of Cuban immigrants has announced his candidacy for President of the United States.

You should never EVER take hydrocodone on an empty stomach — either accidentally or on purpose — and here’s why: 1) within 30 minutes you’ll feel like throwing up; 2) you will continue to feel like throwing up for the next six hours; and then 3) you’ll want to die.

Free shipping is nothing at which to sneeze.

So what’s the big Sunday morning scoop from the bowels of Howdygram headquarters? LAST NIGHT I ORDERED A NEW PAIR OF SHOES FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MORE THAN FOUR YEARS not counting the memory foam slippers I bought for Hanukkah from FootSmart. I decided to order these pleasant, lightweight mesh slip-on things (pictured below) because even though I travel everywhere now by wheelchair I still have to put something seasonally-appropriate on my feet so people won’t point and stare. Plus they were 40% off with free shipping, and free shipping is nothing at which to sneeze.

Home-delivered Buffalo wings are a very big hoo-hah indeed.

I was just jolted awake from a really nice Saturday afternoon nap on the chaise in the family room even though I’m still really tired. This has been happening to me almost every day for the last few weeks. It seems that I’ve got a “dying” nerve in my right hip — an issue that’s related to diabetic peripheral neuropathy — and it radiates down the outside of my thigh AND HURTS LIKE HELL. The pain starts about 90 minutes into my nap and wakes me up almost immediately like getting slapped across the face. Sometimes it goes away if I shift positions a little, but usually I just have to wake up and get my ass off the chaise. Holy shit, right? NOW IT EVEN HURTS TO TAKE A NAP.

Has Mitch McConnell started a right wing coup d’état?

Show of hands. Have you ever visited any of the Howdygram-approved “Let’s Go Shopping” websites listed in the right sidebar? If you haven’t, WHY THE HELL NOT?! Some of them are truly swell, especially the first one — FragranceShop.com — where you can buy thousands of name-brand perfumes REALLY REALLY CHEAP. And you should also check out their roll-on knockoff designer fragrance oils because the quality is outstanding. I’ve been buying these things for years and keep four or five in a little empty AA battery box in my desk in the study just for the hell of it. Anyway, this morning in a sudden fit of wanting to smell gorgeous I ordered myself all of the following fragrances in the large 3.4-ounce bottles.

You’ll have to settle for smelling like Justin Bieber instead.

Howdy, shalom and how’s the family from our house to yours! It’s a nice, quiet Friday morning here with no remarkable weather, no breaking news, no immediate health issues and no socks to fold. As a matter of fact, the only activity on my agenda is refilling my pill organizer for the week ahead, which involves 10 different prescriptions taken multiple times a day. Trust me, guys, this is a major hoo-hah. And I also inject insulin a shitload of insulin.

Senior citizens love to smell like serene waterlilies.

I think I need another nap before I write this Howdygram post because I’m a little too loopy from my last pile of pills to make any sense. I did, however, manage to place a Prime Pantry order with Amazon: several kinds of crunchy things in bags; four bottles of Nivea body wash in their Serenity and Waterlily fragrances; and four eight-packs of Coke Zero in teeny 12-ounce bottles (for the mini fridge in the study).

Rain is good. (Heavy rain is even better.)

Hi. It’s me, your favorite elderly Internet companion! I woke up about 45 minutes ago for my regular senior citizen middle-of-the-night bathroom adventure and decided to hang out online for a while and buy things, starting with a whole new spring wardrobe from Woman Within consisting of four very nice knit loungers — two with snaps, two without — in pleasant spring colors. There’s no point buying any actual clothes because I’m an old person with mobility issues and almost never leave the house. (I don’t buy shoes, either.)

Closeted Congressman Aaron Schock has partied himself out of a job.

While I sit here pondering dinner — always a worthwhile late-afternoon activity at Howdygram headquarters — I thought it might be fun to share our latest Putz of the Week because the story is a classic, shining example of Republican stupidity. Meet Congressman Aaron Schock of Illinois, who resigned yesterday due to severe over-exposure. And we’re not just talking about his NIPPLES.