Introducing Rootin’-Tootin’ Sam’s Wild West Toenail Clinic.

I feel compelled to write a second Howdygram post today due to very juicy incoming weather for the weekend and the pending launch of our exciting new Rootin’-Tootin’ Sam’s Wild West Toenail Clinic. There’s so much news I can hardly stand it!

JUICY INCOMING WEEKEND WEATHER. After practically zero precipitation since the second week of June, it looks like Dallas is in the crosshairs for HYSTERICALLY INTENSE WEATHER that begins Thursday morning and runs through Sunday. We’re talking about eight to 12 inches of torrential rain and THUNDERSTORMS. We love thunderstorms! I’ll try live-blogging during the worst of it, but I’m not sure if I can type underwater with rubber gloves. Please stay tuned for additional information.

ROOTIN’-TOOTIN’ SAM’S WILD WEST TOENAIL CLINIC. It’s very difficult for me to get to the podiatrist for three very important reasons: 1) the doctor’s office isn’t designed for patients who arrive in a bariatric wheelchair; 2) I’m not steady enough on my feet any more to walk through the office suite on my own; and 3) it’s hell for Sam to shlep me in and out of the car. Therefore I’m proud to announce the grand opening of Rootin’-Tootin’ Sam’s Wild West Toenail Clinic, featuring two brand new tools that accommodate DIABETIC FEET. These include a heavy-duty precision toenail clipper from Germany with rounded safety tips because diabetic toenails are extremely thick and our feet are extremely sensitive, and two packages of WoundSeal powder that stops bleeding instantly in case of a boo-boo ... especially created for diabetics who take Coumadin (a blood thinner), like I do, and don’t clot on their own. This is so wonderful I might have a nervous breakdown!

---

And finally, I’ve got a new Putz of the Week for you ... GOP Congressman Paul Ryan (R-WI), the ferret-faced entitled frat boy from Wisconsin who apparently received a “Lean-In Award” from Facebook’s Sheryl Sandberg for trying to weasel part-time hours from Congress in exchange for serving as Speaker of the House so he can spend more time at home with the wife and kids in addition to the 228 days of paid vacation he already receives.

 

Fuck you, Sheryl Sandberg, for not doing your homework on this one.

Paul Ryan voted against the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act in 2009 and he doesn’t support equal pay for women. In 2009 Ryan also voted against a bill to provide four weeks of paid parental leave for federal workers. And Paul Ryan’s bullshit “war on poverty” is really a war on POOR PEOPLE. He voted to cut the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP, more commonly known as “food stamps”) and purposely misrepresented data that proved food assistance programs were working properly.

Ryan, a multi-millionaire, is currently demanding extra time off from Congress — in addition to 228 days of paid vacation — to stay home and horse around with his kids, but he wants to make it harder for poor families to do the same and has called for cuts to child-care subsidy programs that benefit low-income Americans.

Even worse, Paul Ryan has referred to rape as a “method of conception.” In an August 2012 interview he said, “the method of conception doesn’t change the definition of life.” And Ryan has co-sponsored legislation on two separate occasions that would eliminate exceptions in abortion bans concerning rape, incest, or the health of the mother. The second bill contained a provision allowing for pregnant women from states banning abortion to be sued by the men who raped them if they chose to undergo the procedure in another state.

HOLY FUCK. The only award this asshole qualifies for — aside from Putz of the Week — is Selfish Bastard of the Decade. He cares about nobody but himself and goes out of his way to make sure that poor Americans suffer a living hell without food, child care and affordable women’s health services. Paul Ryan is a piece of shit.

Thank you for reading this.