Note to parents: Do not raise entitled assholes. Thank you.

Yo, everybody. As I write this post I’m being bombarded by weird noises from the laundry room while an energetic service technician named Ricardo performs a routine tune-up on our GE Profile gas dryer (pictured below) and sucks stray lint from the vents and hoses. I’m told this is a really swell thing to do every couple of years, which makes sense. It’s definitely cheaper than buying a new dryer.

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And now for some huge news from our Greasy Breakfast Sandwiches Will Save the World department. Today’s the day that McDonald’s officially begins serving ALL-DAY BREAKFAST in case you need an Egg McMuffin for dinner or can’t go to bed without pancakes. Franchise owners aren’t thrilled about this and already complain that McDonald’s menu is too big for “fast food,” but apparently they didn’t get a vote. An Egg McMuffin would be awesome right now.

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Here’s an excellent Tuesday afternoon video clip of a drunk University of Connecticut brat having a nervous breakdown after the student union cafeteria runs out of bacon jalapeño mac and cheese. And it turns out that it’s not the first time this idiot’s temper (and his big mouth) landed him in jail.

In this viral video 19-year-old Luke V. Gatti of Long Island, New York, repeatedly berates and shoves the cafeteria manager, who asked him to leave for openly carrying an alcoholic beverage. After the cafeteria staff finally decides they’ve had enough abuse Gatti is forced to the floor, students cheer and police take over. This is nine minutes of excellent video entertainment and I strongly recommend an accompanying bag of Pop Secret.

For the record, in 2014 Gatti was arrested while attending the University of Massachusetts for screaming “fuck you ni**er” at a police officer attempting to break up a street party and two weeks later he was arrested again on the same street for assaulting another cop.

Note to parents: DO NOT RAISE ENTITLED ASSHOLES. Thank you.

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I am grieved by the need to post a late Tuesday afternoon “whine list” as I’m presently experiencing a shitload of chronic pain issues all at the same time. These include raw and bleeding skin on the back of both thighs, pain in the arch and heel of my left foot, stabbing pain in my left knee and assorted other shooting pains at various other locations in and on my body. In a word, I’m FUCKING MISERABLE right now, which the following Shit-O-Meter reading will confirm.

The only thing that ever makes me feel better is a Norco tablet and lying down on the chaise in the family room with TicTacs and a William Powell movie. I plan to do all of the above as soon as possible after I finish this post. A shower would be really nice, too. We have the biggest, fanciest, wettest remodeled shower in Texas.

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Traitor, narcissist, and self-proclaimed patriotic whistleblower Edward Snowden recently told the BBC that he has “volunteered to go to prison with the government many times” but has never received a formal plea-deal offer. He said that “so far they’ve said they won’t torture me, which is a start, I think. But we haven’t gotten much further than that.” In an interview broadcast Monday on the BBC’s “Panorama” program, Snowden said that he and his lawyers were still waiting for U.S. officials “to call us back.”

I’m not too sure I’d count on that, Eddie-boy. We all knew this would happen eventually when you got bored with all that freedom and privacy in Russia ... am I right? Well, you can just GO AHEAD AND ROT THERE, you little chickenshit! Guess you finally figured out that living in exile in a vile place that hates Americans is far worse than going to prison for breaking the law. And it must be hell not being able to find a decent corned beef sandwich!

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Thank you for reading this.