It’s shortly after 6 p.m. Saturday evening, Sam is in California AND I’M NOT. As I write this post he’s driving around North Hollywood in a brand new Mustang convertible
— with the fucking top down and a loud radio! — while I’m trapped alone at home in north Texas, writhing in pain with irritated, bleeding thighs. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?
Okay, okay ... calm down. I just wanted to find out if you’re paying attention. I’M ACTUALLY FINE. After uploading my last post I enjoyed a delicious five-hour nap on our magic chaise in the family room followed by peeing, a handful of potato chips, a nice vine-ripened Norco tablet and a fresh ice cold can of Diet Sunkist. LIFE IS GOOD.
My thighs are pretty awful, however. Here’s the latest Shit-O-Meter reading.
He already gets more than enough free press so I resent including him in the Howdygram, but I have to write a few paragraphs here about Donald Trump — narcissist, asshole extraordinaire and Republican candidate for president. This time we’ll review his remarks to the Values Voter Summit, a right-wing show-and-tell session for candidates to out-Jesus each other in front of a mob of rabid conservatives. After drawing prolonged boos from the audience for referring to the previous speaker, Senator Marco Rubio, as “this clown,” Trump held up a Bible that his grandmother gave him as a boy and veered from topic to topic during a rambling and altogether pointless 11-minute speech, which focused mainly on illegal immigrants from Latin America. Because there’s certainly nothing more Christ-like than hating immigrants and insulting the other candidates.
Then Trump pandered to the crowd by feigning concern about the erosion of religious liberty. “The word Christmas, I love Christmas,” Trump said. “You go to stores, you don’t see the word ‘Christmas.’ It says ‘happy holidays’ all over. I say, where’s Christmas?”
“I tell my wife, don’t go to those stores,” he continued. “I want to see Christmas. You know, other people can have their holidays, but Christmas is Christmas. I want to see ‘Merry Christmas.’ Remember the expression, ‘Merry Christmas?’ You don’t see it anymore. But you’re going to see it if I get elected, I can tell you that right now.”
Yeah, sure. Except you forgot to mention how you’d accomplish this.
Actually, as I see it, Donald Trump isn’t running for President. He wants to be CEO of the United States. The big boss. He looks at America like his own private gigantic company with yes-men and the military and cabinets full of loyal idiots doing exactly as he says or they’re “fired.”
Except government doesn’t work that way ... and Trump doesn’t know it! This egomaniacal shitstain seriously thinks that border walls get built, millions get deported and world leaders magically drop dead JUST BECAUSE HE SAYS SO. Every day it's another WTF moment with this clown. Donald Trump is worse than hemorrhoids and wants to run his ridiculous presidential campaign on a “Merry Christmas” platform because “Happy Holidays” is an attack on Christians.
I have an even better idea. WHY DON’T ALL OF YOU BIBLE-HUMPING FOOLS JUST GO TO HELL.
Let’s all check out the lovely, outrageously overpriced furniture and décor in today’s email ad from
Ballard Designs. That green cabinet, for instance, sells for $1,099.99. It’s nice. But I bought a slightly smaller but very similar piece from
Kirkland’s a few years ago for $229 on sale that’s every bit as gorgeous and looks like a million bucks in our entry foyer.
As for everything else in Ballard’s ad, the mirror is pretty but NOT worth $300, the $625 leopard chair is just plain stupid, and that $2,500 gaudy orange rug would give me nightmares.
Jesus H. Christ on a soda cracker.
I think I need a nice wet shower and a nap because my last dose of Norco has me feeling a little strung-out here. Thank you for reading this. Shut the light when you’re done, okay?
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