Friday, December 30, 2016

Hot damn! A houseguest!

I can’t believe it’s already the end of December. While I sit here musing about the speedy passage of time I should probably mention that my nephew Josh, 21, is coming for a visit next  month — HOT DAMN! A HOUSEGUEST! — and we’re preparing Howdygram headquarters as follows.

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

I’m tired, I’m cold, I have to pee and I still have to shoot a bunch of insulin. It’s a full life, isn’t it?

I’ll begin with an apology for not writing a Howdygram post yesterday or the day before. I am without excuse, so just get over it, okay? (Thank you.)

Sunday, December 25, 2016

I’ll never eat those goddamn frozen egg rolls again.

Hello from Howdygram headquarters on a wet and unexpectedly warm Christmas Day. It’s 80° here, people, and it’s also overcast and drizzling. We were supposed to get thunderstorms an hour ago but apparently was lying again. (They’re pathological about it.) Thunderstorms have been pushed ahead to 7 p.m. but I won’t hold my breath.

Saturday, December 24, 2016

All of a sudden there are intermittent problems with my computer. Also I just ran out of diet root beer.

Happy belated first night of Hanukkah and merry Christmas Eve. Don’t label me a grinch, but I’ve had more than enough of the endless holiday sales, once-a-year discounts and promotional emails, particularly from the eager marketing lunatics at Allegro Medical. I guess they figure nothing says “Merry Christmas” like a box of catheters!

Thursday, December 22, 2016

My new Mac OS is working out well, thank you. Except I don’t understand “the cloud.”

Good Thursday morning, y’all, and HAPPY BELATED WINTER SOLSTICE! Yesterday was an astronomical phenomenon with the shortest period of daylight hours and the longest night of the year, something that means almost nothing to me whatsoever as I’m a housebound old coot with mobility issues and have no fucks left to give about an extra 15 minutes of daylight. Last night I tried to weasel Sam into staying awake for an all-nighter with a few of the classic Christmas movies stored on our DVR, such as: Christmas in Connecticut (1945) starring Barbara Stanwyck and Dennis Morgan; The Man Who Came to Dinner (1942) starring Bette Davis and Monty Woolley; Meet Me in St. Louis (1945) starring Judy Garland; and The Shop Around the Corner (1940) starring James Stewart and Margaret Sullavan. (I hang onto these all year round in case I need a dose of ho-ho-ho. No kidding.) However, Sam didn’t take the bait so we wound up with The Lost World (1960) starring Claude Rains and Jill St. John. I love my life!

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

North Korea’s “Dear Leader” has implemented another clever public policy.

Hi-de-ho, people. This will have to be brief because it’s 3:15 Tuesday morning and I haven’t been to bed yet, a situation that I’ll have to remedy rather soon because pulling an all-nighter doesn’t appeal to me any more. Also, Monday was a rather trying day for me, the details of which appear below for your possible interest.

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Eat your hearts out, people. I’ve got matzo farfel!

It’s 1:30 in the morning and I want a nice hot bowl of soup because I’M FREEZING TO DEATH. After a high temperature of 76° on Saturday afternoon it’s 21° outside right now with winds gusting to 45 m.p.h. The sound of rattling solar screens is driving me nuts and I can’t seem to warm up. Hence the craving for soup. And lo and behold, as I write this post I’ve got a bowl of Simply Asia Shitake Mushroom Rice Noodle Soup rotating in the microwave right here on my desk ... the epitome of senior citizen convenience! And I even have a canister of Manischewitz matzo farfel in front of me. Eat your hearts out, people.

Saturday, December 17, 2016

Yo. There’s a “blue norther” on the way today!

Happy Friday morning to you and yours from the friendly senior citizen (i.e., me) at Howdygram headquarters. I just took a look at our five-day weather forecast online and discovered that we’re expecting a “blue norther” here tomorrow. Holy shit, people! A definition follows for your possible interest.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

I almost considered waking Sam to tuck me in and bring me a big ginger ale on ice with a bendy straw.

It’s very early Wednesday morning and I’m shivering. No kidding, if you weren’t so far away you could actually hear my teeth chatter! THIS IS EXTREMELY SERIOUS. I feel quite ill, shaky, slightly nauseated, feverish and achy with a thumping migraine. I’d go back to the family room and lie down except that’s where I just came from. For the moment, therefore, I need to take drugs, shoot insulin, download a few free fonts and try to calm down. (Good luck with that. I feel like SHIT.) For the time being, that’s the end of The Kvetch Report.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Sam has jury duty today in downtown Dallas, right in the middle of a dense fog advisory.

Hi-de-ho, people, and welcome to the Howdygram! It’s almost 3 a.m. and I’ve been writing email for the last couple of hours. I still have one more to go (to Sam’s sister) but I’ll have to save that for later today. I know she’ll understand.

Monday, December 12, 2016

Monday is “Costco day” at Howdygram headquarters.

I’ve got a million very important subjects to cover in this Howdygram post so I’ll skip all the introductory hoo-hah and just get right to the point, okay? I think I’ll even do my popular neatly-subtitled paragraphs!

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Know what? I’ve got a new brand box of Special K with shriveled strawberries.

Happy Saturday from Texas to you and yours! I thought you might like to know that I didn’t wake up until noon today ... and oy, it was wonderful! I’m really amazed how chronic pain goes away when you get enough sleep. I almost don’t need Norco ... except I took two, anyway, because DRUGS ARE GOOD. And as long as I’m on the subject — you know, kvetching — I guess I’d also like to report that an old neuropathy issue has come back to haunt me.

Friday, December 9, 2016

“The Brain That Wouldn’t Die” is a ridiculous and wonderful schlockfest.

Know what? There’s something warm and comforting about typing furiously in the study at 5:30 in the morning while Sam is still in bed. This is a private, productive and intensely creative time for me that’s usually accentuated by good drugs, low overall chronic pain and — best of all — I don’t have to share my Veggie Straws and Diet Sunkist with anybody. It’s the BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS!

Thursday, December 8, 2016

We hope you’ll consider sending us a donation of $10 or more for no reason whatsoever.

I forgot to wish you a happy Pearl Harbor Day yesterday, although I’m not sure if this qualifies as a real holiday with presents because Hallmark doesn’t have a card for it. You might want to write your congressman about this. (As if he’d give a shit, right?)

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

I’ve been dicking around with the Howdygram again.

So here’s what’s going on around here, organized in neat little subtitled paragraphs because I’m compulsive about things like this.

Saturday, December 3, 2016

I’m feeling strangely doped-up right now.

Howdy, boys and girls ... it’s time for another extraordinary Howdygram post! I decided to use that adjective — learn your parts of speech! — because: 1) I took my bedtime meds about half an hour ago and I’m feeling strangely doped-up right now; 2) there’s nothing to write about; and 3) I can’t think of anything else. See what I mean?

Friday, December 2, 2016

Do almonds have nipples?

Wednesday was a banner day here at Howdygram headquarters. Extraordinary. Unforgettable. Unprecedented. It was AN ALL-DAY SENIOR CITIZEN CYBER SHOPPING SPREE, and my purchases included all of the following ... with explanations wherever necessary. Thank you.