The Howdygram 2: I almost considered waking Sam to tuck me in and bring me a big ginger ale on ice with a bendy straw.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

I almost considered waking Sam to tuck me in and bring me a big ginger ale on ice with a bendy straw.

It’s very early Wednesday morning and I’m shivering. No kidding, if you weren’t so far away you could actually hear my teeth chatter! THIS IS EXTREMELY SERIOUS. I feel quite ill, shaky, slightly nauseated, feverish and achy with a thumping migraine. I’d go back to the family room and lie down except that’s where I just came from. For the moment, therefore, I need to take drugs, shoot insulin, download a few free fonts and try to calm down. (Good luck with that. I feel like SHIT.) For the time being, that’s the end of The Kvetch Report.

I’ve got a handful of very pleasant FREE FONTS for you this morning — mostly nice, easy-to-read scripts for a change — plus a sans serif font, “Agu Sans,” which partners with a coordinating script [click here] that I offered several months ago. For the record, all of these fonts are excellent and you should download them right away. Links appear after the graphic. You’re welcome.

Soulmaker in the Mountains • Respect • Kelium • Agu Sans • Grafter • Bontella

I’ve suddenly got breaking news on a couple of topics, so I’ll organize everything into neatly-subtitled paragraphs. Here we go!

KVETCH REPORT UPDATE. I slept like a goddamn rock last night and woke up feeling not too bad this morning. I’m shocked, quite frankly. I was a total mess this morning at 1:45 and my low body temperature (94°) from earlier in the evening had jumped to 99.2°, which is a SUBSTANTIAL FEVER for yours truly. I almost considered waking Sam to tuck me in and bring me a big ginger ale on ice with a bendy straw, but I changed my mind at the last minute. So I watched my favorite “being sick” movie — Yours, Mine and Ours (1968) starring Lucille Ball and Henry Fonda — sucked a green TicTac and passed out on the chaise lounge.

“HANG ‘EM HIGH” MARKS DIDN’T GET PICKED FOR A JURY YESTERDAY. This means he’s free as a bird and can spend all day today hanging out at Texas Workforce Solutions ... which is a fancy-ass name for the state unemployment office. Sam is supposed to submit a request for unemployment pay every other week on Saturdays, which he’s been doing, except it’s really inconvenient to receive the money on a prepaid Visa card from the state of Texas because a person can’t use that to pay the mortgage or the water bill. So Sam arranged for an electronic fund transfer into our checking account instead, which takes three weeks to set up. He skipped last Saturday’s request for payment ... and 24 hours later Texas Workforce Solutions had already locked him out of his online account! Sam tried to call, of course, but kept getting an error message that all lines are busy (probably due to so many employees taking time off for Christmas) and they won’t even let you “hold” for an agent ... which explains why he’s showing up in person today to rattle a few cages. Stay tuned ... but please feel free to continue your normal routine in the meantime. (And don’t forget to floss.)

I’ve got another fucked-up story from the world of Donald Trump. Apparently Cheetolini’s team of half-assed advisors can’t find any A-list talent willing to perform at the inauguration next month, so Donald has been dangling AMBASSADORSHIPS as an incentive. At least two talent bookers have told The Wrap they were promised diplomatic careers if they could deliver “marquee names.”

Because the bookers couldn’t — and wouldn’t — Trump’s team finally enlisted 16-year-old former “America’s Got Talent” runner-up Jackie Evancho, although there was no mention of which ambassadorship she’d receive. (Lower Slobovia comes to mind.) And since a 16-year-old amateur singer that nobody’s ever heard of (and isn’t even old enough to vote) certainly doesn’t have the “star power” to round out the inauguration ceremony, Trump may have to fall back on right-wing nutjobs like Kid Rock and Ted Nugent.

One final thought to bring a smile to your face. Every single marching band in D.C. is boycotting the inauguration. Trump is so fucking unpopular that not even high school marching bands want the opportunity to perform in the inaugural parade, which is typically an honor for any school band that’s asked to participate. But for Donald Trump? FUCK NO.

It’s time to order dinner. Sam said he’d pick up burritos from Chipotle tonight! I CAN HARDLY WAIT ... and thank you for reading this.