Lower dentures, round two.

I hadn’t planned to start another post until after dinner tonight, but what the hell … I’ll give it a shot now instead! It’s about 15 minutes past noon and I’m watching the silent version of Don Juan (1926) starring John Barrymore, Myrna Loy and Mary Astor. Frankly, this is boring as hell and I don’t think I’ll be able to stand it much longer. Meh!

Wishing you a happy Mother’s Day and an expensive buffet with unlimited shrimp.

MOTHER’S DAY, 6:43 A.M. Good morning one and all. It’s not quite 7 a.m., Sam just left for his daily walk at Samuell Park, and I’ve been up since the crack of dawn … ready to start my day with another Howdygram post. Today, of course, it’s a little different. It’s MOTHER’S DAY, and I’d like to wish lots of love — and hopefully an expensive Mother’s Day brunch with unlimited shrimp — to all you mamas out there.

A new agony for my goddamn left foot.

SATURDAY, 9:17 A.M. Howdy, howdy, howdy! You’ll surely be pleased to know that I’ve had an above-average morning so far, including: 1) a nice bath with Sam’s able assistance; 2) an anticipated email from my Baylor HouseCalls nurse practitioner; and 3) a bowl of Pepperidge Farm cheddar goldfish.

Don’t miss it … an Andy Hardy movie marathon starts Tuesday night on TCM!

FRIDAY, 6:45 A.M. It’s the crack of dawn here in north Texas and Sam is out for his morning walk at Samuell Park in south Mesquite. As for me, I just finished a juicy breakfast croissant and wrote an email response to the office manager (Kendall) at Elite Mobile Dental.

MGM actually made an entire movie — in Technicolor! — about Jane Powell and a fucking corset.

Shalom, howdy, yo and how’s the family from your friends at Howdygram headquarters! It’s around 10 p.m., Sam is asleep next to me on the sofa, and I’m pondering an email to the office manager — an individual named Kendall — at Elite Mobile Dental. He wrote to Sam this afternoon expressing surprise that I rejected my lower denture yesterday without “giving it an honest effort,” so I’m mulling whether or not to have them bring it back so I can try different kinds of adhesive (Fix-O-Dent powder and Sea Bond strips) to see if either of them works better (and is less disgusting) than paste.

Remembered the Alamo lately?

It’s Wednesday night, nearly 11 p.m., and I only have one subject on my mind for this post: TEEFS. Or rather, a lack of teefs.

I slept until 10:30 this morning … like a goddamn princess!

Know what? I HAD A GOOD DAY TODAY! I slept until 10:30 a.m. — seriously, like a goddamn princess! — and immediately announced to Sam that I wanted to spend all day in the study with my beautiful iMac, working on assorted projects and designing more mugs and greeting cards for The Howdygram Store. So I shlepped to the study without my walker and enjoyed eight glorious uninterrupted hours of productive design time. It was FABULOUS … and I didn’t even need an emergency pish break because I decided not to take Lasix this morning!

Sam can’t stand Maurice Chevalier. I’m pretty sure it’s that creepy song he sings about little girls in “Gigi.”

MONDAY, 8:54 A.M. Good morning, boys and girls. I’m pleased to announce that I feel better today so far! As long as I take my pain meds at regular intervals I should be able to sit here comfortably, composing the Howdygram for hours. But you never can tell. Sometimes agony creeps up on me with no warning whatsoever and whacks me right between the eyes, and I have to shlep back to the chaise and collapse.

Pleasant Sunday entertainment: “Rosemary’s Baby” and a lot of Hydrocodone.

Yo, everybody ... I’ve had another achy, shitty, disgusting day. Therefore I decided to cheer myself up by watching Rosemary’s Baby, that creepy horror movie from 1968 starring Mia Farrow and John Cassavetes, followed by a large dose of Hydrocodone for the pain, a two-hour nap, and a lovely feast from China City. The aforementioned “lovely feast” included Tofu Tempura, Steamed Dumplings with hot chili sauce and Scallop Egg Foo Young. Dinner was accompanied by A Few Good Men (1992) starring Demi Moore, Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson.

There’s nothing quite like a good movie with Xavier Cugat and Carmen Miranda.

It’s a lovely, clammy Saturday night, and tonight we’re watching West Side Story (1961) starring Russ Tamblyn, Richard Beymer, Rita Moreno and Natalie Wood. Right now they’re all at the local Friday night dance, the scene where Maria (Natalie Wood) and Tony (Richard Beymer) meet for the first time, and everybody immediately has a brain hemorrhage because he’s American and she’s Puerto Rican. Even worse, their relatives belong to opposing gangs — the Jets and the Sharks — who constantly beat the shit out of each other for control of a cruddy little inner-city neighborhood. Adapted from Shakespeare’s “Romeo and Juliet,” it’s a great story with great music, great dancing and great performances. West Side Story won 10 Oscars. Whoa ... THAT’S A LOT OF GODDAMN STATUES!

Happy Cinco de Mayo, Mexico’s annual mayonnaise celebration!

I’ll begin today’s Howdygram post with a festive holiday greeting to one and y’all … we wish you a very HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO, Mexico’s annual MAYONNAISE CELEBRATION! And here’s my annual Cinco de Mayo graphic, complete with five jars of Hellmann’s (the preferred brand of Howdygram headquarters). Enjoy … make yourself a bowl of tuna salad!

Tomorrow I’m going to wash my hair with one of those no-rinse shampoo shower cap thingies for coots.

FRIDAY, 9:18 A.M. It’s pouring rain right now but Sam decided not to postpone his “do” list this morning. Therefore he’s on his way to the barber shop for a haircut and then to Wal-Mart for a few grocery essentials … frozen steak fries, bananas, baby carrots and Wal-Mart’s store brand frozen batter-dipped fish fillets because they’re the best frozen fish fillets we’ve ever had. They’re tasty, they’re the perfect size, they don’t smell when you bake them and we can make dinner for two in our toaster oven. I recommend pairing them with Wal-Mart’s store brand tartar sauce and some steak fries. WHAT AN OUTSTANDING MEAL!

Lou Gehrig never missed a game ... and it killed him.

THURSDAY, 9:35 A.M. It’s a dark and overcast morning, and Sam is sitting in the garage — on his favorite retired desk chair — waiting for some YOOGE THUNDERSTORMS to roll in from Fort Worth. If you’d like to share this thrilling weather event with us please send an email as soon as possible … and bring your own cookies. Thank you.

Learn how to make Marcy’s World-Famous “Mish-Mosh” Soup. It’s inexpensive, tasty and easy.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me today. I’M A FUCKING MESS. To wit: 1) my wet rash is back and it’s driving me insane; 2) my knees hurt; 3) the baby toe on my left foot is SCREAMING at me; 4) I’m shivering and my body temperature is 95°; 5) I have a headache; 6) I’ve got neuropathy “electric shocks” zapping the outside of both legs; 7) Baylor HouseCalls still hasn’t faxed this month’s Hydrocodone prescription to my Wal-Mart pharmacy; and 8) I can’t think of anything else. Okay, okay ... I realize that I whined about most of these issues in last night’s Howdygram post … but I thought you should know that I still feel like shit today and plan to continue complaining for at least the next couple of hours, at which time I’ll enjoy Marcy’s World-Famous “Mish-Mosh” Soup and a movie.

Sam said I looked like a werewolf. Immediately thereafter I felt motivated to tweeze my eyebrows.

You’ve been waiting for news about my “teefs,” right? Fine. Fine! Here’s the scoop: MY NEW DENTURE WAS A COMPLETE AND TOTAL FAILURE. My dentist and her assistant from Elite Mobile Dental showed up at 5 p.m., put the denture in my mouth, jiggled it around … and I knew immediately that it was a no-go. So she scraped things, filed things, smooshed the denture with three wads of adhesive … AND IT WAS STILL ATROCIOUS. As a matter of fact, the teeth were so awful that Sam said I looked like a WEREWOLF. (Immediately thereafter I felt motivated to wax my knuckles and tweeze my eyebrows.)