You’ve been waiting for news about my “teefs,” right? Fine.
Fine! Here’s the scoop: MY NEW DENTURE WAS A COMPLETE AND TOTAL FAILURE. My dentist and her assistant from
Elite Mobile Dental showed up at 5 p.m., put the denture in my mouth, jiggled it around … and I knew
immediately that it was a no-go. So she scraped things, filed things, smooshed the denture with three wads of adhesive … AND IT WAS STILL ATROCIOUS. As a matter of fact, the teeth were so awful that Sam said I looked like a WEREWOLF. (Immediately thereafter I felt motivated to wax my knuckles and tweeze my eyebrows.)
The dentist said she’d check with the lab tomorrow to find out if anything can be done to improve on the last two shitty dentures they made for me, but we’re not particularly hopeful … and it’s likely that we’ll wind up with a $3,300 refund for the denture that never was.
I’m depressed.
Maybe I should change the subject for a while and get back to the Howdygram’s Yiddish lessons. Here we go ...
Ready, boys and girls? Our first vocabulary word tonight is
shmooz, which means
to make small talk or
to chat. Shmutz means
dirt. A
shtick is
a gimmick or
a routine. To
shtup is
to push or
to poke. It’s also a slang term for
sexual intercourse. A
shpiel is
a sales pitch. A tchatchke is
a toy or
knick-knack. Traif is something that’s not kosher.
Tsouris means
problems or
troubles. Tuchus means your
butt or
bottom. A
tummler is a
master of ceremonies. And finally, a
tush is the same as
tuchus. Stay tuned for the next chapter of Let’s Learn Yiddish!
Just thought I’d mention that I’m feeling really lousy tonight, and it has nothing whatsoever to do with my shitty new denture (see paragraph one). I’m achy, I’m itchy and I’m cold, the baby toe on my left foot is screaming at me, my knees hurt, the skin on the back of both thighs feels like a third-degree burn, and my goddamn bleeding rash has returned with a vengeance. All I really want to do for the next few hours is eat Jell-O and watch some good TV. At the moment I’m wrapping up a nice movie that I recorded earlier today …
The Story of Will Rogers (1952) starring Will Rogers, Jr., and Jane Wyman, and next I think I’ll watch this week’s episode of “Deadliest Catch.” What a life.
Thank you for reading this, and please remember the Alamo so I won’t have to.
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