National Pi Day. A chance to celebrate everybody’s favorite dessert and a boring mathematical constant.

Yee-haw and pass the lemonade ... IT’S SUMMER IN TEXAS! Even though I’m a handicapped senior citizen with mobility issues who only leaves the house in a wheelchair four times a year for doctor appointments, I still pay attention to rainfall totals, tornado warnings and daily weather reports ... and according to Weather.com it was almost 90° here today! Holy crap, right?

Free fonts, new mousepads and an apology.

If you were counting on the Howdygram to remind you about Daylight Savings Time you’ve just spent the last 36 hours all fucked-up. Please set your clocks ahead one hour IMMEDIATELY, and if you’re late for work today you should feel free to tell your boss it was my fault. Thank you.

Faster than a speeding bullet ... only seven days for a federal tax refund!

Hi-de-ho from Texas, y’all! It’s an overcast Saturday morning with rain creeping in from the south, Sam is buttering my English muffin in the kitchen and I have nothing whatsoever to do today. This is no huge surprise, however, since I almost NEVER have anything to do ... not counting frequent naps and eating things.

Eating, sleeping and downloading. I love my life.

It’s 6:29 p.m. on a semi-drizzly Friday evening, and this is the first chance I’ve had today to sit at my desk and write a Howdygram post. The rest of the time I’ve been eating, sleeping, downloading and ... well, I think that’s it. Eating, sleeping and downloading. I love my life.

Suggested drinking game keywords for tonight’s GOP debate include “dick size,” “steaks,” “liar” and “con man.”

Hi. While I wait for my morning medications to kick in I promised myself I wouldn’t begin this Howdygram post with another detailed description of my chronic pain issues, which includes relentless leaking pressure sores on the back of both thighs, a bleeding rash, arthritic knees and diabetic peripheral neuropathy in both goddamn feet. So I won’t mention them, okay?

My feet are killing me, I have to pee and I can’t find the goddamn remote.

Another night, another night of lousy sleep ... which clearly can be diagnosed as the cause of my latest ailment: Spontaneous Senior Citizen Mental Illness. I conked out in the family room last night around 11 and woke up at 1:45, dazed and confused. Sam had gone to bed, the TV was off but the lights were on, and I have to admit ... I got VERY FREAKED OUT. The first thing I did was drop the remote for the floor lamp — yes, our floor lamp has its own remote! — which ricocheted off the base of the side table and wound up somewhere under the chaise where I couldn’t see it. I immediately started to CRY because that’s what all adults do when they wake up in the middle of the night in a brightly-lit room and develop a brain hemorrhage thinking ... Jesus Christ, my legs are killing me, my feet are killing me, I have to pee AND NOW I CAN’T FIND THE GODDAMN REMOTE!

Serious weather is on the way. Auntie Em!

There’s finally some SERIOUS WEATHER moving into our area. While the big hoo-hah is still west of Fort Worth right now, by 9 p.m. tonight we’ll be bombarded by thunderstorms, hail the size of Buicks, possible twisters and flying monkeys. The red star on the following map denotes Howdygram headquarters. (The flying monkey is self-explanatory.) Auntie Em!

God bless Sam. He keeps the TV volume low and doesn’t grind his beans for tomorrow’s coffee until I’m awake.

It’s the wee hours of Monday morning (3:42 a.m., to narrow it down a little) and I just woke up from a three-hour nap in the family room. I know what you’re thinking — normal people don’t take naps at this hour — but I’m not exactly “normal people.” I’m a housebound senior citizen on drugs for a shitload of chronic pain issues and I sleep whenever I can. Fortunately Sam has an excellent attitude about this. He tiptoes around the house, keeps the TV volume low and doesn’t grind his beans for tomorrow’s coffee until I’m awake. Bless his little heart.

I love Sundays nights. It’s time for Pop Secret and a “Columbo” rerun!

I’m in pain tonight and I’m not happy. The only spot in the entire house where I can rest comfortably is the chaise in the family room. Actually, the toilet is in the hall bathroom is very comfortable, too, but you can’t sleep on the toilet because your legs go numb after 30 minutes and then you fall backwards when you try to get up and bust the entire toilet in half. (This actually happened two years ago. Sam remembers the incident in great detail in case you have any questions.)

Just say “oy” ... Nancy Reagan dies at 94.

Happy Sunday morning, boys and girls. It’s  As I write this post Sam is out for a walk and I’m enjoying a healthy feast of diet ginger ale, Lipton Cup-a-Soup (cream of chicken) and a sugar-free pineapple fried pie. Grab a napkin! IT’S THE BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS!

This morning I belched a belch from the pit of hell.

Hi-de-ho from Howdygram headquarters, where Sam and I are enjoying a lazy yet gorgeous Saturday in northern Texas with sunshine and spring weather and nothing to do except order a lot of light bulbs from Amazon because Sam doesn’t feel like driving to Lowe’s. Herewith is a screenshot of our current weather forecast courtesy of the lying sacks of poo at Weather.com. For the record, we’re sincerely thrilled with the rain prospects next week as we’ve seen nary a stinking drop for the last couple of months.

Mazel tov to me. I’ve been dicking around with the Howdygram again!

Yee-haw, everybody, and MAZEL TOV TO ME! Our brand new banner design is probably the biggest and goddamn bestest Howdygram re-do I’ve ever had ... not counting June 2014 when our former blog looked like THIS (click here or see below).

The FBI has had a busy week arresting violent assholes who thought they were making fools of U.S. Americans.

I’m following a “live blog” of tonight’s GOP debate on Wonkette.com for the following three reasons: 1) the sight of Trump, Cruz and Rubio make me want to puke; 2) ditto for their voices; and 3) I’ve been trying for 15 minutes to hook up to Fox News’ livestream. It’s not working probably due to my ad blocker software — a lot of websites HATE ad blocker software — but I don’t give any fucks about that. And now you know why I’m doing the “live blog” hoo-hah on Wonkette.com. Plus a chime goes off every time a new entry pops up. I like chimes!

Redesigning things is a fun activity for a housebound senior citizen on prescription painkillers.

Yup, I did it again. I redesigned the Howdygram’s banner and uploaded a bunch of exciting new sidebar title graphics. The point is, sometimes I get bored and redesigning things is a fun activity for a housebound senior citizen on prescription painkillers. Deal with it, okay?

Texans Republicans always love a good, juicy racist.

Happy Super Tuesday from the resident political junkie — i.e., yours truly — at Howdygram headquarters! As far as I can tell from various entertaining “live blogs” around the country it looks like there are no yoooge surprises in the voting results at this time. East coast results are pointing to CLINTON and TRUMP with the exception of Bernie Sanders (Sam’s favorite) in Oklahoma and Vermont, and it’s still too early for any results from Texas. Ted Cruz is hoping to win here — he’s got heavyweights like Rick Perry pulling for him! — but who knows? Trump is still the biggest racist of the bunch, and Texans Republicans always love a good, juicy racist.