As of last night Sam and I are officially having That Discussion again. Power scooters.

Hi, people. I don’t know if you just didn’t give a crap about this or if nobody wanted to win a tin of emergency underpants, so here’s the answer to my “Do You Know Who This Is” photo from yesterday morning’s Howdygram post. Better luck next time, okay?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg, 81, is a JUDICIAL GODDESS, a sparkling gift to America from President Bill Clinton in 1993 and the liberal conscience of the U.S. Supreme Court, especially as an advocate for women’s rights and civil liberties. I love this brilliant woman to pieces and so should you. I mean it. If you don’t already love her, START NOW.

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Because I have so damn many mobility problems due to knee pain, foot pain, muscle pain in my legs and being an old shlepper in general, as of last night Sam and I are officially having That Discussion again: POWER SCOOTERS. I just spent several hours online researching all the various models, features and prices and decided to put together the following photo montage of my top six favorites. These cute things don’t come cheap, but thank God most include a free basket hanging off the steering column and a cup holder for a Marcytini-to-go or they wouldn’t be worth anywhere near $2,500.

Other expenses required for a purchase like this include a handy-dandy scooter carrier for the back of our car, installation (I think U-Haul does this) and a waterproof stretchy scooter cover so birds can’t shit all over it. This is also a good idea in case it rains, although fat chance of that since it almost NEVER rains here. Stay tuned for more information, okay?

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It’s 10:15 Friday morning and Sam is on his way to multiple local Wal-Marts right now to pick up my insulin syringes [see previous post for details]. He also promised to buy me a present because I have a serious craving for sugar-free Jell-O cups ... and I’m even expecting a call on Face Time when he gets to the refrigerated case so he can show me all the available flavors! My favorites are peach, raspberry and yellow. (FYI, yellow = lemon but it’s more fun to say “yellow Jell-O.”)

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Today at lunch Sam and I will finish watching John Ford’s 1955 dreck-fest The Long Gray Line starring Tyrone Power and Maureen O’Hara, the most atrocious movie ever made not counting The Wasp Woman and Alligator People. In The Long Gray Line Ford attempts to tell the real life story of a dweeb named Marty Maher, an Irish immigrant who started waiting tables at West Point in 1899 and wound up teaching cadets how to swim for 50 years. (Not the same cadets for 50 years. There were new cadets every year.) The story is stupid as hell and the performances are cartoonish, especially Tyrone Power with a fake brogue acting like Gomer Pyle and Maureen O’Hara doing a recycled shtick from The Quiet Man (except she’s a little too old for it this time). Donald Crisp is on hand as Tyrone Power’s father wearing leprechaun outfits.

Thank you for reading this.