Sorry, girls. He’s off the market.

I finally figured out why I spent the Fourth of July unconscious in the family room with chills, joint pain, pistachios and a blanket: I HAD A FEVER AND I FELT LIKE CRAP. (This was definitely my shortest kvetch report EVER. You’re welcome.)

And now for a big fat international headline from our Repulsive Peruvian Prisoners in the News department! Yesterday convicted criminal slimeball Joran van der Sloot, 26 — who’s serving a 28-year sentence at the federal penitentiary in Lima, Peru, for the 2010 murder of Stephany Flores — married his conjugal visit girlfriend Leidy Figueroa because she’s expecting their first child in September. A portrait of the bride of Frankenstein appears below for your possible interest. The couple is registered at Macy’s if you’d like to send a gift.

You may recall that van der Sloot first made news in 2005 as the primary suspect in the disappearance of 18-year-old American teen Natalee Holloway and was arrested twice in Aruba but never charged. This was really unfortunate because VAN DER SLOOT WAS GUILTY AS HELL. Two years later he extorted $25,000 from Holloway’s mother, promising information about the location of her daughter’s remains, but took off with the cash for a poker tournament in Peru, which is where he murdered the aforementioned Stephany Flores. Peruvian authorities have agreed to extradite van der Sloot to the United States for trial when he’s eligible for release in 2038. With any luck maybe he’ll be dead by then.

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And now I think I’ll head to the family room for a juicy morning nap accompanied by the second half of The Alligator People (1959) starring Beverly Garland, Richard Crane and Lon Chaney, Jr. This memorable sci-fi dreckfest tells the intriguing story of a newlywed (Garland) whose husband (Crane) disappears on their honeymoon after receiving a mysterious telegram from home. She spends the next six months searching everywhere for him until his college fraternity records point her to a plantation in the Louisiana swamps, where hubby has turned into a piano-playing alligator wearing polyester pants and loafers. (I couldn’t make this stuff up, people.) Lon Chaney, Jr., is the plantation’s deranged handyman with an atrocious accent and a pickup truck.

If you plan to drop in later please give me some advance warning. I’ll send Sam to the store for snacks.