A pair of perfect Einsteins.

I love the smell of Einsteins in the morning, and I’ve got TWO of ’em for you today, people, because sometimes great things come in pairs! I’ll post them for you now while Sam is on his way to Wal-Mart to buy me a box of insulin syringes. Grab a bagel and get comfortable, okay?

First up, meet David “Einstein” Nicosia of Chicago, a racist jackass extraordinaire with serious anger management issues. Nicosia got really pissed off yesterday in the courtyard at Daley Center Plaza downtown when he spotted an elderly black woman nearby (legally) smoking a cigarette. After he shouted at her to stop smoking, swore at her, shoved her, called her “Rosa Parks” and spit in her face, the woman confronted him and signaled for a police officer, so Nicosia — who’s six feet tall and weighs 240 pounds — turned back and slapped her across the face. He didn’t realize that “Rosa Parks” was actually Circuit Court Judge Arnette Hubbard, 79, the first woman ever elected to head the National Bar Association and the Cook County Bar Association. Whoops.

Next we’ve got a priceless dash-cam video of a routine traffic stop that finally managed to capture the insane aggression of the Miami Police Department. This time, though, the arresting officer had no idea who the “perp” was and obviously wouldn’t let him speak up. As soon as the dude in the car tries to open the door, Officer Einstein pulls him out of the vehicle, slams him to the ground, jumps on top of him, and 150 squad cars pull up like the Keystone Kops to help their comrade-in-arms subdue a violent criminal ... not realizing he was actually Lt. David Ramras, head of the Miami Police Department’s Internal Affairs Division. Everybody has been suspended ... but YouTube, thank God, will live forever.

Thank you for reading this.