Thursday, May 17, 2018

There’s a weekend of huge thrills coming up at Howdygram headquarters.

WEDNESDAY, 5/16/2018, 9:47 P.M. I’m not exactly sure what’s going on with me tonight, but I haven’t felt very creative. Or cheerful. Or anything. I’ve started and deleted three Howdygram posts, and now it’s already approaching 10 p.m. and I’m ready to lie down and conk out. Jesus.

But first, an announcement: I HAVE INDIGESTION. Tonight’s dinner was a fish fillet sandwich and steak fries, but I think I ate too fast and probably too much. And leaning forward to type this post isn’t helping, either. Maybe I should just shut everything down and finish tomorrow. Oy.

THURSDAY, 5/17/2018, 7:45 A.M. Yo! It’s a pleasant day here at Howdygram headquarters. I was up shockingly early this morning (shortly after 6 a.m. with low blood sugar) Sam is already out for his daily walk, and afterwards he’ll stop at Wal-Mart for a few groceries, beverages and various whatnots as we prepare for Sandi’s visit tomorrow.

My left foot is killing me. It’s that goddamn baby toe again — screaming, deformed, swollen, purple and hideous — in addition to neuropathy pain and a huge leaking blister on the bottom of my heel. At least twice a day the blister glues the inside of my slipper to the bottom of my heel, and the pain is excruciating every time I try to peel that goddamn slipper off my foot. I’ve got plenty of good drugs on hand but they’re not helping much any more. SECRET HINT: I hereby request a morphine drip for my birthday this year!

However, I’ve got other complaints this morning as well: 1) I’m short of breath; 2) my knees are stiff and horrible; 3) there’s a bleeding rash on various parts of my body that are none of your business; 4) I’m very sleepy; and 5) my blood sugar is out of whack. I desperately want to lie down on the chaise but I have to wait for Sam to get back from his errands … he shampooed the carpet in the family room before he left and still has to push the furniture back where it belongs. I assume he’ll get around to it sooner or later. (Hopefully sooner.)

Woo-hoo! I recorded one dozen Andy Hardy films on Turner Classic Movies on Tuesday night and most of the day on Wednesday. Sam and I have been watching (and enjoying) them … but it will take some time to eventually see them all.

I think it was an interesting move for MGM to introduce audiences to their new starlets by pairing them with Mickey Rooney in some of these films, including Esther Williams, Judy Garland, Donna Reed, Kathryn Grayson, Ann Rutherford and Lana Turner!

Lewis Stone, Mickey Rooney and Faye Holden as the Hardy family.

THURSDAY, 4:03 P.M. My new hospital-style tray table arrived about an hour ago and Sam just finished assembling it for me. THIS DAMN THING IS FANTASTIC! I can finally use my MacBook comfortably when I’m resting on the chaise, and I’ll also be able to use this table for meals. It’s really attractive, very sturdy and well-made.

This would be a fine Hanukkah present for your favorite housebound coot.

And here’s what I’ll use on my tray table to help support my laptop and raise it up so I can actually see the keyboard while I’m typing. I just ordered this adjustable stand from Amazon. Only 15 bucks!

A comfortable adjustable laptop stand with poofy cushions.

Sam and I decided to take a break from Andy Hardy for a little while, so we’re watching one of our favorite movies: The Adventures of Robin Hood (1938) starring Errol Flynn, Olivia de Havilland and Basil Rathbone. (The costumes and music are glorious.)

And now it’s time for an early dinner … I’m requesting spaghetti and meatballs tonight with grated parmesan cheese and lots of napkins. I’ll be back later, God willing.

THURSDAY, 8:00 P.M. Howdy, everybody … it’s me! Sam (as usual) is asleep on the sofa, and I’m watching Fort Apache (1948) starring Henry Fonda, Shirley Temple and John Wayne. I love this movie so much I could watch it every week! There’s something gratifying about seeing Henry Fonda, who plays a fucker named Lieutenant Colonel Owen Thursday, get his comeuppance in nearly every scene by enlisted men and other officers who clearly can’t stand him. Thursday [SPOILER ALERT!] eventually gets killed in an Apache ambush near the end of the movie in a scene that’s a direct rip-off of Custer’s Last Stand. This was the first of John Ford’s classic cavalry “trilogy” movies. The other two are She Wore a Yellow Ribbon (1949) and Rio Grande (1950). (Please memorize this information. There will be a pop quiz tomorrow.)

Henry Fonda (center, standing) as Lt. Col. Owen Thursday in “Fort Apache.”

Tomorrow is Friday, and it leads into a weekend of HUGE THRILLS here at Howdygram headquarters, itemized for you in neatly subtitled paragraphs, as follows.

MY BEST FRIEND SANDI IS ARRIVING FROM CHICAGO ON FRIDAY MORNING. Her flight lands at 10:36 a.m. at DFW Airport, and she and Bob will probably get to our house around noon … just in time for lunch. I can’t wait to see her (and meet Bob). Woo-hoo!

DONT MISS THE ROYAL WEDDING ON SATURDAY. “Today” on NBC will offer six hours of live coverage starting at 3:30 a.m. as Prince Harry and his American cutie-pie Meghan Markle take their vows and give their ritzy guests a chance to show off a lot of ridiculous and fancy hats. I’m going to record the entire six-hour broadcast. Oh boy!

THE PREAKNESS FESTIVITIES GET UNDERWAY SATURDAY AT 5 P.M. I don’t really know the names of all the colts who are entered in the Preakness, but Kentucky Derby winner Justify has been the favorite to win. However, it seems that Justify all of a sudden has a bruised back leg … and that could change everything! Post time is around 5:30 p.m. Central time.

It’s almost 10 p.m. and high time for a bunch of pills, an insulin injection and hauling my carcass back to the chaise for a good night’s sleep.

Thank you for reading this, and if you can’t remember the Alamo then I hope you’ll do your level best to turn out the lights when you’re done here. Shalom!

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