Tuesday, July 15, 2014

My shitload of exciting Tuesday news bulletins plus a “Real Housewives of New Jersey” recap.

It’s Tuesday and I’ve got a shitload of exciting news bulletins to share with you. So many, in fact, that I almost don’t know where to start!

SAM WENT TO WAL-MART TO BUY STOVE TOP STUFFING. I gave him a short list this morning that included a few boxes of chicken-flavor Stove Top, canned soup, a sack of bagels, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter and fluffy store-brand cream cheese in a tub. I almost considered adding Stove Top to my Amazon Subscribe & Save plan a couple of days ago — in case I ever need to make an emergency Marcy’s World-Famous Senior Citizen Thanksgiving Bowl [see recipe] — but decided I don’t really need 12 boxes at a time due to insufficient pantry space and it’s not like there’s a shortage, right?
BRINKMAN FARMS SHIPPED MY ORDER. Remember last Thursday [see post] when I ordered a bunch of canned meat for senior citizens? IT’S ALREADY ON THE WAY and I’m so excited I might have a nervous breakdown! I can’t tell which of their tasty high-quality meats I’m most anxious to test-drive, but I’m guessing it’s the white meat turkey and ground beef. I hope the canned ground beef doesn’t look like Alpo. (Stay tuned.)

MY NEW MIXING BOWLS ARE HERE. I ordered them yesterday, people [see post]. YESTERDAY! Only the retail geniuses at Amazon could ever figure out how to deliver OVERNIGHT MIXING BOWLS to needy, shopping-impaired old ladies like yours truly. Their speed and service are almost as exciting as a day of Basil Rathbone movies! Incidentally, some products are delivered on SUNDAYS now, too, and I read yesterday that Amazon has applied to the FAA to start testing their new Amazon Air drones for THIRTY-MINUTE DELIVERIES. Trust me on this, everybody: if Amazon ever starts delivering my crap with a space-age flying robot I’ll find a way to wait outside for it even if I’m in a wheelchair.
SOMEBODY INVITED ME TO A REVERSE MORTGAGE SEMINAR. I’m at “that age” now. As soon as you start collecting Social Security everybody thinks you’re ready for hearing aids, a cremation plan, discount colonoscopies, “the cruise of a lifetime,” adult diapers, assisted living and (now) a reverse mortgage so you can stay in your house without coughing up another dime until you drop dead or Fonzie comes over to drink coffee in your den. Holy crap.

I JUST STRAIGHTENED UP THE KITCHEN. This is a VERY HUGE DEAL because I haven’t had much energy lately ... a lot less than usual, which is even hard for ME to believe. In any event, we had a significant mountain of new stuff on the kitchen table — from Amazon, Wal-Mart, Kroger and Costco — that had to be moved and organized before the maid comes tomorrow, so I decided to give it a shot by myself because I’ve been extra-whiny about chronic pain in my hands, feet and knees (and also short on sleep) for the last few days and always feel guilty asking Sam to help with so much around the house. The big news is I GOT ALMOST EVERYTHING PUT AWAY except for a few things I’m saving for Sam because he’s 6'5" and I’m not.

MY “REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY” SEASON PREMIER RECAP. In a nutshell, the Howdygram is not convinced that Bravo’s “big cast shakeup” this season is a whole lot better than the barely-literate, money-grubbing bimbos they featured in seasons one through five. At the present time we’re dealing with the following storylines:
  1. The Giudices (Teresa and “Juicy” Joe) have pled guilty to bank fraud, wire fraud, income tax evasion and lying to a bankruptcy court and will be sentenced to prison in September. It would have been sooner except Juicy’s father just died.
  2. Their four daughters are freaked-out weepy little neurotics from way too much exposure on TV and having parents who are criminals and idiots.
  3. Dina Manzo has a kaput marriage, a hairless cat and a two-legged Chihuahua. 
  4. We meet a new set of gold-digger Italian twin sisters named Nicole and Teresa — yes, another Teresa! — with shockingly enormous mammaries.
  5. Amber (she’s new, too) is a scary control freak who just spent the last five years of her life obsessing that her former friend Melissa (a returning housewife from earlier seasons) ignored her when she found out she (Amber) had breast cancer, an accusation she could prove in a heartbeat by an old snotty Facebook post from 2009 except it got deleted. This woman clearly holds some serious freakin’ grudges. (I think I love her.)
  6. The new RHONJ husbands are substantially more repulsive than the ones Bravo dropped from last season, particularly a bald loudmouth jackass named Rino who’s married to one of The Implant Twins, although I don’t know which one. (Until now I honestly didn’t think anybody could be more obnoxious than Richie Wakile. I was wrong.)
I sincerely hope #5 from the preceding list won’t be a major plot line this season because it got boring after the first three minutes. Also, I am mildly concerned that Melissa doesn’t seem to have any genuine girlfriends.

It might be time to wrap up this post. I just realized it’s already 7:30 p.m., I haven’t peed since 3 and I really have to give some serious thought to dinner, although tonight should be a no-brainer since there’s a fridge full of leftover Chinese from yesterday. God bless you, egg foo young.

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