I decided to revamp the Howdygram’s subheads today.

Hello. It’s early Wednesday evening and I just woke up from a 14-hour (that’s not a typo!) nap. FOURTEEN HOURS. The last thing I remember is Sam giving me a bath at 3 a.m., and I felt so good that I passed out afterwards. Trust me, it wasn’t my intention to do that, because I had a lot of “plans” today! These included: 1) eating; 2) uploading at least 200 new designs for iPhone cases in The Howdygram Store; 3) contacting Wal-Mart via live chat to complain that a jar of pitted Greek olives broke in transit; 4) Repeat #1; and 5) Repeat #4. Got that?

Please note that no actual stir-frying ever occurs at Howdygram headquarters.

Yo, everybody. It’s Sunday afternoon, and I hope this finds you healthy, safe and pleasantly quarantined wherever the hell you may be. Sam and I, of course, have barricaded ourselves here at beautiful Howdygram headquarters, a charming subdivision that’s neatly nestled between genuine cattle ranches — and genuine cattle! — here in the Dallas metro area.

Keep an eye out for the zebras and cows.

Happy Thursday night from Howdygram headquarters. Once again Sam and I have been sleeping for a ridiculous number of hours — eight, 10, 12 or more! — at a stretch, barely staying awake long enough to eat a meal. (I spend a lot of quality time with iced tea and pitted Greek olives.)

“Gimbal Egyptian” is a slab serif super-font. Woo-hoo!

I just woke up from a 16-hour nap — seriously, 16 hours! — and thought it might be fun to engage in a little self-expression. You know, write something. It’s 3:15 on a strangely cold Saturday morning (only 46°, believe it or not) for Texas in mid-April, and I just finished an A+ perfect turkey sandwich on white toast with tomatoes. Sam makes the best sandwiches! And the most wonderful side dish was a pair of fabulous movies … Dark Victory (1939) starring Bette Davis and George Brent, and Mad About Men (1954), a sweet little comedy about a mermaid starring Glynis Johns and Margaret Rutherford.

The Howdygram Store is selling cloth face masks now!

MONDAY, APRIL 13, 2020. I have zero motivation tonight. ZERO. Sam and I just finished watching a ridiculous horror movie called The Wasp Woman (1959) starring Susan Cabot, and next up is the biopic They Died with Their Boots On (1941) starring Errol Flynn as General George Armstrong Custer. I don’t know if the Custer biography is accurate or not, but it’s definitely top-notch entertainment with some unforgettable performances.

Former Cubs second baseman Glenn Beckert died on Sunday.

It’s 6 a.m. Sunday morning. I just woke up but have no idea whatsoever when exactly I fell asleep. It’s pretty much the same story day after day after day … huge, inexplicable spans of very sound sleep* wrapped in my big fleece blanket, soaked and overflowing wee-wee pads, frequently shivering, aching legs that I’m scared to move without Sam’s help, lots of pills to take, the incessant sound of rushing air (through my cannula) that destroys my nostrils and the ability to hear things!

Sam is a 24/7 caregiver, nurse, chef, vaudeville comic (don’t ask) and launderer.

Yo, people. Welcome to Thursday night at Howdygram headquarters, where Sam is napping on the sofa nearby and I’m wrapped up in a fleece blanket on my hospital bed with a big glass of sugar-free peach soda and a bowl of pitted Greek olives.

Amazon has face masks and latex gloves.

Happy Tuesday morning, y’all. Sam is hiking around in his favorite forest on the south side of Mesquite and I’m drinking sugar-free punch and noshing on pitted Greek olives. Damn, I love these things!

I think I might get back to sending birthday cards this year!

It’s a couple of minutes after 4 a.m. on Sunday morning, and I have no idea what the hell ever happened to Saturday. I think I slept for 22 out of 24 hours, never saw one stinking minute of daylight, and now I’m lying here in the dark, binge-watching “Bar Rescue” reruns, eating cashew butter — this stuff is so AWESOME! — from the jar with a plastic spoon and peeing like a race horse … actually eliminating far more liquid than I consume.*

I have no idea why I ordered six packages of fine egg noodles.

Hey. Good morning! It’s a few minutes past 8 a.m., Sam is in the study watching videos on YouTube, and I just finished one of my all-time favorite breakfasts … canned Hormel Beef Tamales with a side order of pitted Greek Kalamata olives in a teeny bowl. I suppose I should write my official product review now in case there are other senior citizens wondering what they should eat today.