My new air mattress is atrocious.

It’s 2:30 Thursday morning and I’m NOT a happy little camper. I’ll begin with a Shit-O-Meter misery readout and follow with a list of all the varied and sundry reasons why I’m feeling like crap today.

Catheters, rain gutters and remembering Cincinnati Chili.

Hello, hello, and happy Tuesday morning. While I wait for a thunderstorm to roll through here I think I owe you guys an explanation: I don’t write Howdygram posts very often any more because I’m always asleep! Sam estimated that I slept about 18 hours yesterday and spent the rest of the time trying to keep my eyes open, deciding whether or not I was hungry, and (finally) should I watch a movie or design another greeting card for The Howdygram Store now that I’ve moved on from iPhone cases.

It almost feels like we’re getting a whole new house. Woo-hoo!

Hi, people … I’m back! It’s been a whole week since my last post, and that’s due to: 1) a bunch of very shitty health issues; 2) requiring an inordinate amount of sleep; and 3) concentrating on a variety of creative projects in-between sleeping and vomiting. I’ll elucidate for you below. Thank you.

According to a body language expert, Donald Trump wears shoe lifts to increase his height.

I’m past the crisis now, so it’s safe to make the following statement: TODAY WAS ONE OF THE LOUSIEST DAYS OF MY LIFE.

My life is certainly a whirlwind of fun and frivolity, isn’t it?

Sam and I had a rather blah Sunday. He’s been bored and cranky from the triple-digit heat — and the fact that you can’t go anywhere that involves parking your car in the sun — and I’m feeling achy and crappy even though we enjoyed a nice little bowl of chili for dinner (Sam and I always love a nice little bowl of chili) and watched one of our most cherished classic movies, Humphrey Bogart and Katharine Hepburn in The African Queen (1950), which we hadn’t seen for an awfully long time. Rather than delete The African Queen, though, I think I’ll save it in the “Keepers” folder on our DVR because I don’t want to wait another 10 years before I see it again.

I have a huge announcement: I just finished dinner.

I’m having a fidgety, uncomfortable and moderately miserable day today. At the moment my complaints include insane swings between burning hot feet and chills, body aches, crappy mentally ill skin (simultaneously fiery hot, ice cold, itchy and shitty … don’t ask!) all over my back, and — here’s the weird one — THE ROOF OF MY MOUTH IS ITCHY! According to WebMD that last one is probably from an allergy or a yeast infection. Since I already know I’ve got both, the cause is probably a toss-up. I’m a mess.

The dog ate my homework.

Good morning, people. It’s 9:28 a.m. at Howdygram headquarters and I’m waiting for my hospice R.N., Rachel, who’s supposed to be here within the next two minutes (but I won’t hold my breath). It’s time for my weekly checkup and an evaluation of the cellulitis infection in my right leg. I was diagnosed with the infection last week and started taking an antibiotic on Sunday. Stay tuned.

Chinese has been my cuisine-of-choice for almost seven decades. Ask anybody.

A good and happy Tuesday to you and yours. It’s almost 10 p.m., and Sam and I just finished watching this week’s episode of the Discovery Channel’s “Deadliest Catch.” Hard to believe this is already season 14. Yup, a whole 14 years of misery, frozen spray, broken bones, rogue waves and egomaniacal captains. Mostly I love the photography, though, which is goddamn impressive on a high definition TV.

This is really an awfully teeny price to pay for so much fucking inspiration!

I feel like I’ve been cut off from the entire world. This has been my reality as a housebound invalid for the last several years; I’ve only been bedridden since May 2018. Actually, I guess that’s an accurate statement when you consider that I was unconscious for four days last week. When I finally “came back” on Sunday morning the world was a different place, including so many new mass shootings I can’t keep track of them all. Donald Trump must be so goddamn proud of himself. What a pile of WORTHLESS EXCREMENT!

How did I lose four days!?

When I woke up this morning and checked the date on my computer I realized something was very lousy seriously crappy COMPLETELY FUCKED UP. It couldn’t be August 4. How did I lose four days!?