Vienna Sausages with a squirt of Grey Poupon mustard. This is an excellent lunch for me.

Top o’ the mornin’, everybody, and a happy Saturday to you and yours! It’s 4 a.m. and I’ve been wide awake for almost an hour already. Except all of a sudden I’m feeling frustrated and tongue-tied because I don’t know what the fuck to write about my black insulin bag, and I can’t believe it’s taking such a ridiculous number of words to explain this. Jesus.

THE “BLACK BAG HOO-HAH.” When Sam went to sleep last night I was tucked in on the chaise lounge with my fabulous rolling tray table and most of my bedtime essentials: 1) a couple of Popsicles; 2) a stack of napkins; 3) a beverage on ice with a long bendy straw; and 4) the TV remote. About 30 seconds after Sam got into bed I realized that he forgot to turn on my oxygen generator, so I shouted for him to come back … and he did.

Unfortunately, a few minutes after Sam went back to bed a second time I realized that I also didn’t have my little black insulin bag, which was on the other side of the room on my rolling computer desk. I decided I’d wait until Sam got up this morning to ask for my it, though, because he usually wakes up around 3:30 a.m., and that’s still an acceptable hour to inject a dose of “overnight” insulin. And now I hope somebody can explain why the hell I’ve had so much trouble expressing this. Was it maybe brain freeze from too many Popsicles?

It’s a few minutes past 1 p.m. now, and I just finished another one of my more bizarre flavor craving meal choices … two teeny cans of room temperature Vienna Sausages with a squirt of Grey Poupon mustard. This is an excellent lunch for me … I can eat these soft little weenies when I’m lying down on the chaise, and Grey Poupon is the perfect accompaniment, even with a William Powell movie playing in the background.

Don’t laugh at Vienna Sausages. They’re very nice little meat sticks.

I order assorted whatnots from Wal-Mart all the time in order to satisfy my strange and various flavor cravings. You’ll also find a few cans of Skyline (“original” Cincinnati) Chili in my pantry, plus … Chef Boyardee Ravioli, Jif peanut butter, cans of Dinty Moore Chicken & Dumplings, Hormel Compleats Salisbury Steak (the only variety I can eat without any lower “teefs”), instant Cream of Wheat packets, Stove Top Chicken Stuffing, Bear Creek Hot & Sour Soup Mix, and Mountain House freeze-dried Rice and Chicken for senior citizens who can’t stand up to cook things any more. Get it?

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I should probably try to grab a quick nap now because there’s nothing else to do and there’s an an old favorite movie on TV … It’s a Mad, Mad Mad Mad World (1963) starring Spencer Tracy and every comic born since the turn of the last century. (Seriously.) This includes Carl Reiner, Terry-Thomas, Jonathan Winters, Mickey Rooney, Phil Silvers, Jim Backus, Sid Caesar, Joe E. Brown, Milton Berle, Sterling Holloway, Edward Everett Horton, the Three Stooges, Zasu Pitts, Buster Keaton, Paul Ford and on and on.

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