What the hell was that noise?

I started writing this post at least four times today but didn’t get very far. Don’t be mad at me, okay? Crap happens! But to give you a rough idea what kind of day it’s been at Howdygram headquarters it’s my pleasure to provide the following complete rundown. Pour yourself a Marcytini, get comfortable and thank you.

VERY SHITTY PAIN IN MY LEFT KNEE. I’m talking INTENSE, people. It was the kind of pain that makes you cry when you try to stand up even if you’re using your brand new rolling walker with a ritzy basket and Sam is in the room being a complete sweetheart. My Shit-O-Meter registered at level 8 this morning. Holy crap, right?

SAM & MARCY’S FANCY SHOWER ADVENTURE IS UNDERWAY. Oh boy! Donna from ReBath was here this morning to help us design THE BATHROOM OF OUR DREAMS. (Yes, we dream about bathrooms.) We’re getting a bigger shower with gorgeous dark stone walls, a bigger sit-down bench than we have now, a fancy-schmancy wall-mounted “rainfall” shower head and a separate hand-held sprayer, built-in shampoo and soap shelves, two 12-inch handicapped grab bars, a gigantic made-to-order glass shower enclosure, matching stone trim around our garden tub, and new vanity counters. When ReBath is finished we’ll ask Kitchen Solvers to reface the vanity cabinets (we already hired them to do the cabinets in our kitchen) and our handyman Gary will paint for us and hang new mirrors. (Please remind me to start shopping for mirrors.)

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT NOISE. We heard something loud and weird while Donna was here measuring our master bathroom but Sam couldn’t figure out what it was or where it came from so we decided it couldn’t be very important. Three hours later after Sam was already at work and I aborted a nap in the family room due to nausea and a migraine, I shlepped into the study for a nice cold soda and OH SHIT, GUESS WHAT. A can of Coke Zero had exploded in the mini-fridge, pushed the door open and there was soda dripping on EVERYTHING! (Now we know what that mystery noise was.)

A DECENT NAP AT LAST AND THEN A SHOWER. Instead of eating dinner tonight I decided to indulge in three hours of nice juicy sleep IN OUR NICE JUICY BED followed by a nice juicy shower. It was a truly glorious evening because I smell good and I feel good.

PLEASE DO NOT LAUGH AT ME. A couple of days ago for no discernible reason whatsoever I watched an episode of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” and — God help me — I ENJOYED IT. This led to binge-watching entire two months of past episodes back-to-back with popcorn, and now I regret to announce I’m addicted. KUWTK is a guilty pleasure. Where else can you find a roomful of vapid, exquisite narcissists eating buckets of salad in their Calabasas mansions while discussing manicures, hair extensions, Kim has a sinus infection, somebody is stealing Khloe’s birth control pills, who is mom dating and should we go to London next week to promote shampoo. These women get paid a fucking fortune just for showing up. They are human money machines with extremely large breasts.

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Sam will be home from work any minute now so I guess I’d better wrap this up and get ready to start kissing somebody. Nice of you to drop in tonight. Say hi to the family for me, okay?