Nobody really gives a crap about fancy-ass oil-rubbed bronze drawer pulls.

And so it begins! The Howdygram’s 2015 Kitchen Cabinet Remodeling Hoo-Hah will commence Tuesday morning with a visit from a Home Depot design specialist. I’m looking for a dark wood veneeer finish (right now we have maple) with the addition of a corner storage unit because you can never have too many shelves for your Hormel canned tamales. However, Sam thinks we should skip the cabinet hardware because nobody really gives a crap about fancy-ass oil-rubbed bronze drawer pulls or brushed nickel knobs. And they would probably wind up costing a million dollars, anyway.

The Home Depot consultant will be here at 11 a.m. tomorrow. I hope I don’t have to wear a brassiere for this.

---

Here’s a late-breaking news tidbit from our The Happiest Senior Citizens Do Drugs department: I’M COMPLETELY STONED. I can’t keep my eyes focused on the monitor and I’ve dropped my cordless mouse on the floor three times in the last 15 minutes. God bless Norco! Prescription painkillers are amazing little doodads but definitely tend to throw a cloud over your brain. Maybe I should go back to bed for a while. Sleep is swell when you can get it, not to mention it’s one of the few activities that successfully reduces my chronic pain level. I was at a level “6” for most of the weekend; here’s my Shit-O-Meter report for today.

---

It’s 8:49 a.m. and Sam just left the house on a variety of useful Monday morning errands that includes getting a haircut, picking up my Benazepril prescription at Wal-Mart and his weekly Costco excursion for teeny tacos, breakfast burritos, an industrial-size bag of Brownie Brittle and pasta salad if they have any. The following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) Pro-Style Barber Shop across from the Mesquite Post Office (they accept coupons from other barber shops!); C) our nearby Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market where we buy prescriptions, teeny sugar-free apple pies and braunschweiger; and D) Costco in Rockwall, directly across I-30 from my cardiologist’s office. Not pictured: Sam in his underwear.

---

Know what? I just contacted Kitchen Solvers to get another estimate for cabinet refacing. I FEEL LIKE SUCH AN INTELLIGENT HOMEOWNER! Kitchen Solvers has a nice website and their contact salesdude was prompt and very nice. He wants me to count all the cabinet doors and drawer fronts in the kitchen so he can give me a preliminary estimate, no doubt to skip the in-home consultation if we can’t afford him. (We can afford him.)

In the meantime I think I’ll haul myself into the kitchen to consider what’s for lunch because I’m starving. My options include leftover Easy Beef Vegetable Soup for Senior Citizens, leftover shrimp egg foo young and Oscar Mayer pickle & pimiento loaf on a low-carb dinner roll. I love my life.