Tweaks, fonts, walker accessories and an overabundance of low-carb pasta rice.

Friday was HOWDYGRAM TWEAK DAY around here, which explains why I was so damn busy achieving a bunch of design updates that I didn’t have time to publish an actual post. My split personality as a Retired Graphic Design Person Who Takes as Lot of Naps popped out a little while ago and pestered me into making a variety of minor and altogether pointless changes to the Howdygram for no reason whatsoever. As illustrated below, these include a new font (Berthold Block Extra Condensed) for the banner, the sidebar titles, the navigation buttons, the copyright block at the bottom of the right column and the Putz of the Week ribbon. (I also increased the size of the post titles by one stinking point. Good luck noticing that one.)

And now for the big news of the day, cleverly summarized!

TIGER MAKES THE CUT ... AND THEN SOME. He did it! Tiger Woods shot a 69 on Friday during round two at the Masters to make the cut. Even better than occasional flashes of the “old Tiger” brilliance in his game was the fact that he actually seemed to be having A SHITLOAD OF FUN out there, which definitely hasn’t been the case for the last few years. He stopped to talk to fans, joke with the other players and even danced the hula with his caddie at the 14th hole. (I might be kidding about the hula thing.) Miraculously, on Saturday he even managed to boost his leaderboard status to fifth place at six under par. Holy shit, Tiger! MAZEL TOV!

DROWNING IN HAPPY PACKAGES. We’ve had millions and millions of deliveries around here during the last couple of days and Howdygram headquarters is overrun with excellent, moderately expensive crap of all kinds. In addition to my $550 CoaguChek XS blood testing meter and assorted accessories and supplies, we’ve also received an Amazon Prime Pantry order, a big box of assorted baloney I can’t remember off-hand from Wal-Mart, a swell touch lamp for my desk and a red leather decorative bench for the master bedroom from Lamps Plus, and my new Medline rolling walker, deluxe walker basket and a handy-dandy plastic walker basket liner (so you transport teeny shit around the house) from Amazon.

OVERRUN WITH LOW-CARB PASTA RICE. Sam made me a gigantic pot of Ciao Carb pasta rice yesterday. This involved eight cups of water, two bags of pasta rice and a couple teaspoons of salt ... and now I’ve got enough to last for days! So far I’ve mooshed it up with leftover Szechwan Chicken and String Beans, stirred it into hot & sour soup, added it to a large batch of Easy Beef Vegetable Soup for Senior Citizens, and there’s still plenty left for Easy Cheesy Rice for Senior Citizens with Shitty Knees in a Pot.

FONTS, FONTS, FONTS. I added a bunch of intensely useful free fonts to my collection today. Holy shit, are these fantastic or what? I’m especially excited about Shocard Block, Barbara Hand and Berthold Imago but I’m not exactly sure I can explain WHY. I’m just really screwy about fonts.

A NEW FLUFFY KNIT THROW FROM AMAZON. I ordered a truly wonderful bright red sweater knit throw last night for the master bedroom. It will replace a tan one that’s started shedding fuzz up my nose. We already have one in dark orange (see below) in the family room and I love it.

ACCESSORIZING YOUR WALKER. I mentioned above that my new Medline rolling walker was delivered yesterday. Yee-haw! This is HUGE, people! I never realized how much a walker could increase my stability, and stability is extremely important because senior citizens such as moi tend to get dizzy, forget where they’re going, trip on their memory foam slippers, tip over or otherwise embarrass themselves. However my new walker is a little too wide to fit everywhere around the house so I’ll still need to use my cane from time to time. And to solve my cane transportation conundrum I just ordered myself a CANE TUBE, the clever clip-on device pictured below! I bought one in basic black to match my cane, which is perfect for formal occasions or if somebody says hey, let’s go to Buckingham Palace for a cucumber sandwich.

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The Howdygram is grieved to announce that the Texas Pecan Company, Inc. has issued a recall on several of its products due to salmonella poisoning. The recalled pecans were distributed nationally through the Dallas-based company’s retail store and Internet orders.

The poisoned pecans come in 8-oz. and 16-oz. clear plastic bags and in gift tins sold in November and December 2014 with a pack date of 14320 through 14365, located on the bottom left hand corner of the label. Tell your friends!