I’ve always believed I was raised by wolves in the forest.

I’m going to type this post at tip-top speed because it’s 4:30 a.m. AND I HAVE A MILLION THINGS TO TELL YOU! (Years ago I was clocked at 125 words per minute ... so you’d better hang on.)

THE eBAY SHOPPING CART HOO-HAH. I’ll begin by announcing the happy outcome: THE SELLER AGREED TO CANCEL MY ACCIDENTAL COMMITMENT and won’t force me to buy two CoaguChek XS meters. As I mentioned in yesterday’s post, I was in a major panic that eBay and their bullshit seller-centered rules were trying to railroad me into paying for TWO CoaguCheck meters, one for $679.95 that was simply sitting in my shopping cart for 15 minutes and the other for $550, which I’d just won at auction. Customer service said I would have to write a carefully-worded email to the seller begging him to cancel my order because I’m a mental case senior citizen who doesn’t know what the fuck I’m doing. Ironically, the panic, begging and self-deprecation all turned out to be unnecessary when I discovered that BOTH METERS WERE BEING SOLD BY THE SAME SELLER and he’d be a real jerk to antagonize a customer by refusing to cancel the other order. I was right. This morning he dropped the $679.95 meter from my shopping cart and I was so happy my brain blew up.

As soon as I set up my fancy new CoaguChek XS I’ve decided to order a sign for the front yard (don’t tell Sam, okay?) and maybe a matching hat. (Hats are important.) My new meter and test strips shipped this morning. Yee-haw! WELCOME TO THE HOTTEST NEW DESTINATION IN TEXAS!

A SNACKY PRIME PANTRY REFILL. Last night to kill a little time I ordered a pile of snacks from Amazon Prime Pantry. This is truly nothing to write home about, as Amazon orders go, but I’ll share the specifics nevertheless in case you’re sincerely interested or have nothing better to do. You’ll note that I included my usual balanced diet of crunchy crap in bags and processed crap in cans. Many times I do not bother to even heat the canned crap or scrape it into a bowl as I’ve always believed I was raised by wolves in the forest.

NEW MOBILITY DOODADS ON THE WAY. I am pleased to report that I ordered the rolling walker and wire walker basket pictured in yesterday’s Howdygram post, and Amazon says that both have already been shipped. The world is an amazing place.

WHEELCHAIR SHOES REVISITED. I forgot that I promised you a recap of the salient features when my new wheelchair shoes arrived, so here it is at last. For the price (i.e., very cheap) they’re surprisingly NOT made from corrugated cardboard but coated with a shiny embossed beige plastic that’s supposed to look like fabric, there’s a memory foam footbed, rubbery treads on the bottom, they’re comfortable AND THEY ACTUALLY FIT ... although it doesn’t really matter since I only plan to wear them in my wheelchair during the hot summer months so I wouldn’t look like a jerk in my black winter corrective shoes.

RENOVATING HOWDYGRAM HEADQUARTERS. Within the next two or three weeks Sam and I will embark on a pair of unrelated remodeling adventures here at Howdygram headquarters: DELUXE RAIN GUTTERS and REFACING OUR KITCHEN CABINETS! Estimates will commence as soon as we decide what we actually want so we won’t be wasting anybody’s time. I’m insanely excited about this, people. Now I can finally get the dark wood kitchen I’ve always wanted! With A BUILT-IN CORNER DESK! And FANCY SHELVES! And A LAZY SUSAN! And A LOT OF SERVANTS! Holy crap!

A MIDDLE-OF-THE-NIGHT HOME DÉCOR SHOPPING SPREE. Yup, I’ve been busy! Last night in addition to the Amazon Prime Pantry order pictured above I also ordered some gorgeous home décor from my new best friends at Lamps Plus. This includes a very large leather vase filled with red silk whatnots, a red leather bench for the foot of our bed in the master bedroom and a pair of excellent LED night lights. Why night lights, you ask? Because it’s always a good idea not to walk into a wall in the middle of the night AND we’re expecting houseguests next month. (Details follow.)

HOUSEGUESTS EXPLAINED. Sam’s younger sister Tammy and his nephew Josh are coming to visit in May. Actually, they’ll be here for three days as their first stop on a Texas road trip. This is a great big hoot since we never have visitors except for a Schwan’s delivery every other Wednesday and our maid. I helped Sam put together a big list of things to do in Dallas, and he emailed it to Tammy so she and Josh can decide what they want to see. Possibilities include The Sixth Floor Museum, a tour of the Cowboys’ AT&T Stadium in Arlington, The George W. Bush Presidential Library at SMU, the Dallas Arboretum, a Texas Rangers game and lots of local food. (I always vote for food.) I don’t have the mobility or stamina to do any of these things with Tammy and Josh so I’ll stay home with a jar of pickles while Sam plays host.

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You may have noticed fewer politically-charged Howdygram posts lately due to getting burned out on the never-ending flood of FUCKING MORONS IN THE NEWS. I refer to the expanding GOP 2016 clown car, gay-hating pizzerias, Congress in general and the mouth-breathers in the Texas legislature. However I do have a story about Senator John McCain I’d like to kick around for a few minutes. (You remember John McCain, right? He’s the asshole who gave us Sarah Palin, Queen of the Wasilla Hillbillies.)

John McCain announced earlier today that he’s planning to seek a sixth term in the Senate, but the Senate Conservative Fund (SCF) is not impressed. They want to replace McCain with a “real” conservative, a “Constitutional” conservative, whatever that means, seeing as the people who espouse to be a Constitutional conservative demonstrate zero comprehension of the actual Constitution.

The President of the SCF is noneother than Ken Cuccinelli (remember Ken? He wanted to ban oral sex as a Virginia gubernatorial candidate, which should give you a clue what being a “Constitutional” conservative really means), who wants to recruit a new candidate to beat Senator McCain because he has allegedly spoken to Democrats. 

The SCF has pledged to repeal Obamacare (oh my God, stop it already) and claims to be “pro-life” while hilariously declaring in the same breath that they exist to “defend the second amendment” (aka, are NRA stooges). Defend it from what?! NOBODY WANTS YOUR GODDAMN GUNS!

Conservatives are apparently determined to hand the Senate back to the Democratic Party in 2016 and we’ve seen the GOP’s circular firing squad in action before. While the Howdygram agrees that it’s time for John McCain to go, the answer is definitely not replacing him with a “Constitutional conservative.” (Those shitbags are TERRIFYING.)

Senator Lumpy McDouchebag is now 78 years old. Where else would a fossil at his age draw a decent salary with great benefits, do very little work and have aides who hand you scripts of your opinions so you can show up on TV every fucking Sunday to pretend you’re involved in world affairs while you insult THE MAN WHO WON TWO NATIONAL ELECTIONS for the White House. McCain is an odious tool who isn’t the least bit interested in performing actual public service. He’s a despicable, vindictive, ego-driven, war-mongering POS who continues to use his questionable military service to advance a political career. For this alone, he should get his saggy ass kicked all the way back to Arizona.

Wow, that felt GREAT! Thank you for reading this!