Saturday, January 24, 2015

I treated myself to a fun new fashion accessory today. It’s the Handy-Dandy Senior Citizen Leg-Shlepper!

Hi, people. This is a happy day at Howdygram headquarters due to finally taking a new prescription medication — Gabapentin — that really relieves a lot of my pain. I FEEL LIKE A DIFFERENT PERSON. Gabapentin also makes me sleepy, sluggish, blurry and slow, but I can live with that. I have nowhere to go, I don’t drive, I’m not entered in a race and nobody gives a shit if I’m cockeyed.

And as long as I’m on the topics of meds, Sam has a big fat prescription pick-up for me today at Wal-Mart! This includes: 1) Glyburide; 2) Metoprolol; 3) a three-month supply of Novolin R bottled insulin; and 4) a 60-day supply of Lantus insulin in convenient injectable pens. In case you’re interested, a couple of these prescriptions are brand new for me. Blue Cross made me switch from Humulin R — which I’d been using without incident for years — to Novolin R because they’re refusing to pay brand-name prices for insulin starting January 15, and Metoprolol is the beta blocker drug that Dr. Singh prescribed on Wednesday for my heart condition. Metoprolol is supposed to make me drowsy like Gabapentin (see previous paragraph) and has an additional weirdo side effect that intrigues me: I WON’T BE ABLE TO TELL WHEN I HAVE HYPOGLYCEMIA ANY MORE. Crap! My new meds are pictured below for your possible interest. Feel free to share this with your friends.

Adding to the joy of my never-ending physical challenges — diabetes, diabetic neuropathy, plantar fasciitis, high blood pressure, arthritis, atrial fibrillation and hangnails — I treated myself to a fun new fashion accessory today: THE HANDY-DANDY SENIOR CITIZEN LEG-SHLEPPER from the nice people at This is a convenient and affordable device that will drag my legs in and out of the car without asking Sam to help me, which can get embarrassing if a lot of normal people are staring at you in a parking lot. (Yes, friends, I’m really immobile. Did you think I was kidding?)
The Handy-Dandy Senior Citizen Leg-Shlepper is a perfect present for all the hard-to-buy-for old people on your Hanukkah list or get one for yourself, just for the hell of it!

If you’re a regular Howdygram reader you already know how much I love, right? Well glorioski ... last night I discovered another totally amazing feature of Amazon Prime membership that I never knew existed! YOU CAN SHARE YOUR FREE SHIPPING BENEFIT WITH UP TO FOUR FAMILY MEMBERS. They don’t have to live at your address and — this is top secret! — technically don’t really have to be related to you, either, as long as you sign them up as a brother, sister, daughter, etc. You’ll need to know everybody’s birthdays (month and day) and email addresses to get started; they’ll need to know YOUR birthday to login and use your Prime shipping benefit. I’m so excited about this I think my head might explode.

Here’s what you do. On go to the Your Account drop-down menu from the navigation bar at the top of the page and choose Your Prime Membership.
Scroll down towards the bottom of the Your Benefits page, open Invite a Household Member, and the rest is really self-explanatory.
Everybody’s going to love you for this. I guarantee it.

And last but definitely not least, has anybody noticed the latest hoo-hah about the royal family? Apparently Prince Andrew has been accused of paying big money for underage sex slaves employed by billionaire Jeffrey Epstein on Epstein’s private Caribbean island. This is the juiciest shit I’ve ever heard and I’m pretty sure the queen must be crapping diamonds.
Epstein is already a convicted sex offender. These latest allegations arose from a lawsuit brought by women who say they were exploited by Epstein between 1999 and 2002 when still underage, and Epstein also loaned them out to rich and influential men all over the world. Two plaintiffs insist that one young girl “was forced to have sexual relations with Prince Andrew when she was a minor” in London, New York and on Epstein’s Caribbean island. That’s one hell of a timeshare, isn’t it?

Andrew, 54, is fifth in line for the throne after: 1) his older brother Charles, 66; 2) William, 33; 3) Prince George Chubbycheeks, 18 months; and 4) Crazy Harry, 30. Of course we shouldn’t forget Prince Fetus, who’s currently incubating inside the Duchess of Cambridge. He’s due to arrive in April, at which time Prince Andrew will drop to sixth place and can comfortably continue screwing schoolgirls without such close scrutiny.
Thank you so much for reading this.

No comments: