I wish somebody would come over as soon as possible to empty the trash for me.

Here, in neat, well-ordered paragraphs, is a comprehensive list of every fun activity that’s on tap today at Howdygram headquarters. Thank you for putting up with me.

#1: I NEED SLEEP. All of a sudden I’m miserably exhausted again, and vaulting out of bed this morning at 5:45 with low blood sugar didn’t help much, either. My goal for the day is a minimum of two juicy naps separated by one hour for lunch and basic digestion. I can’t begin my first nap, however, until I complete fun activities #2 and #3, detailed below.

#2: I NEED FROZEN THINGS. Schwan’s shows up at 11:15 every other Wednesday with our biweekly order of nice-quality whatnots ... and today’s the big day! This time I ordered corn dogs for me and two bags of Sam’s favorite mozzarella sticks because we ran out last week and he appeared to be despondent. (Or maybe he was just hungry.)

#3: I NEED SOUP. Due to impending shitty winter weather — a high of only 35° with heavy clouds and wind; 18° expected overnight — it’s my immediate goal to make an oversized vat of my favorite homemade senior citizen soup AND DON’T TRY TO STOP ME. The ingredients include two boxes of chicken broth, dehydrated soup veggies, Costco canned chicken and a cup of raw low-carb rice-shaped pasta. And it’s all for ME, people.

#4: I NEED A SERVANT. The trash bin under my desk is overflowing and I wish somebody would come over as soon as possible to empty it for me. I’ll make it worth your while. I HAVE SUGAR-FREE RUSSELL STOVER MARSHMALLOW SANTAS!

#5: I NEED ENTERTAINMENT. I can hardly wait to sleep through the following fine films today: The Sting (1973) starring Paul Newman and Robert Redford; and The Master of Ballantrae (1953) starring Errol Flynn and Roger Livesey. (Nobody ever wore tights better than Errol Flynn.)

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And that, dear friends, is all there is. As soon as Sam calls me on Face Time from California I’m heading straight into the family room to put my feet up and wait for Schwan’s. I’m so tired right now I’m afraid I’ll land face-down on the keyboard.

I’d like to wish a happy day-before-Elvis’ birthday to you and your loved ones. Thank you.