There’s good news and bad news today at Howdygram headquarters.

The GOOD NEWS first: I THINK I FINALLY GOT ENOUGH SLEEP. In case you’re interested, I slept until 7 this morning, went back to bed at 9:30, slept again until 1:15, ate lunch, stretched out on the chaise in the family room at 2 and slept again until 5:15. I feel ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE, which is Marcy-speak for “considerably less rotten than yesterday.”

And now for the BAD NEWS. Sam just called me from California on Face Time AND HE’S REALLY, REALLY SICK. I noticed when we talked last night that he had an annoying dry cough; today it sounds more like BLACK LUNG DISEASE. Plus his voice has sunk to basso, he feels like shit and assorted concerned relatives are making intermittent emergency runs to the drug store for Robitussin and Tylenol. Fortunately, Sam doesn’t have much to do for the next few days (he’s not coming home until Sunday) so he can pretty much stay in bed and let his sister and brother-in-law figure out how to make him comfortable. I wonder if Marian would tuck him in and kiss his head if I offered to send her 50¢.

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I’m pretty sure a Putz of the Week award would lighten the mood right about now, so let me announce our latest honoree: Governor Piyush “Call-Me-Bobby” Jindal of Louisiana, a Republican so delusional he thinks he’s white, mainstream and electable to national office. WHEN PIGS FLY, PIYUSH!

Jindal spoke recently at a dinner in Iowa hosted by the conservative American Renewal Project about the dangers of Republicans appearing to be merely FISCAL conservatives — or as he called them, “cheaper Democrats.” He said Republicans would not be able to win the White House in 2016 if they didn’t take a strong stand on the issues important to SOCIAL conservatives.

“The GOP is not only the party that fights for smaller government, lower taxes, school choice and energy independence, it’s the party that fights to protect innocent human life and traditional marriage,” he said. WTF! Does this shitbag seriously think the right-wing isn’t already spewing their views on race, police violence, climate science, marriage equality, guns for everybody, abortion and creationism in public schools?!

“The reality is I’m here today,” Jindal told the audience, “because I genuinely, sincerely, passionately believe that America’s in desperate need of a spiritual revival. I love to quote Winston Churchill. ‘You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing after they’ve exhausted every alternative.’ That’s where we are as a country. We have tried everything and now it is time to turn back to God.”

What the hell would Call-Me-Bobby know about spiritual revival? He’s an ex-Hindu RADICAL CATHOLIC who rivals Rick Santorum on his hatred for women’s reproductive freedom, birth control, marriage equality and LGBT rights.

Before the speech conservative radio talk show host Jan Mickelson told The Des Moines Register that Jindal had “to be able to speak the dialect. This is a crowd that can hear whether he speaks the right language, with the right connotation, with the right context.” Holy shit. So Jindal might “pass” if he SOUNDS white enough? Has Mickelson looked at this dude’s FACE?

So here’s the problem with Bobby Jindal. No other state aspires to be anything like the dismal “social utopia” of Louisiana, which ranks DEAD LAST in every category required for a decent human life, including social services, education, health care, income/poverty, crime and governance.

In other words, Louisiana is the armpit of America and Bobby Jindal is the gland that makes it stink. And considering the fucking mess he’s made of his state, it’s no surprise whatsoever that he wants to base his fledgling presidential campaign on SOCIAL issues. The “I Can Do for America What I’ve Done for Louisiana” platform isn’t exactly a winning strategy.

Bottom line: Call-Me-Bobby is asking the GOP to take a stand on something other than hating President Obama — but it’ll never work. And Republicans will never believe Jindal is a white guy, either. Trust me.

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It’s already 10 p.m. so maybe I should take a nice hot shower, eat dinner and watch tonight’s episode of “Project Runway All Stars.” For lack of better inspiration I’m considering braunschweiger sandwiches on toasty low-carb onion rolls. I love my life.