Friday, August 8, 2014

Welcome to Grand Central Station, the suburban Dallas residence formerly known as Howdygram headquarters.

IT’S A MADHOUSE AROUND HERE, PEOPLE. So go get yourself a popsicle or couple of cookies and I’ll explain how come. Because inquiring minds want to know.

FOUR OBNOXIOUS OVERNIGHT HYPOGLYCEMIA INCIDENTS. Seriously, I was up and down ALL DAMN NIGHT fighting with low blood sugar, which is something that wakes you out of a sound sleep like a slap across the face. All of a sudden your eyes are wide open and you’re trying to figure out WHY. What the fuck? Did I hear a burglar? Did Sam stop breathing? Eventually you figure out what’s going on because the room is spinning, you feel clammy and you’re hungry enough to eat a king-size pillow, so you reach for the jar of glucose tablets on the nightstand and start shoveling them into your mouth by twos. One time I had to wake Sam because I needed his help unscrewing the stupid jar. The fourth and final time — at 5:30 a.m. — I just got up and sat like a lump in the study because I wanted to blow my brains out already. In case you’re interested, I eventually went back to bed at 7 and slept for three hours.

A SALVATION ARMY SURPRISE. I was supposed to call them between 8 and 9 this morning to get a “two-hour window” for picking up our old leather chaise today ... except their truck pulled up at 8:05 WITH ZERO ADVANCE NOTICE and Sam had to vault out of bed to answer the door. Holy crap, right?

THERE’S A CREW OF YAHOOS HAMMERING IN OUR YARD. A few screwballs from Sunnyvale Fence are FINALLY doing the routine warranty maintenance (replacing nails, repairing the gate) that Sam has been requesting for almost a year and a half. I hope they’re done in time for my after-lunch nap or I’ll have to get ugly about this.

THE NEW TOILET, ROUND TWO. Anybody remember the shiny new American Standard Cadet 3® water-saver toilet with a clever slow-close seat [see post] that was installed on Monday in our hall bathroom? Just in case you don’t we allowed it to take a selfie with Sam’s new iPhone, which appears below.
So what’s the issue with our toilet? It ROCKS. Literally. Our handyman severely over-caulked the damn thing to the floor — picture 100 pounds of porcelain on an inch-thick wad of WHIPPED CREAM — so now we’ve got voluminous white goo squishing out all around the john and a person needs a SHOULDER HARNESS to remain seated during toileting festivities. (I might be exaggerating about the harness, but not by much.) Gary is coming back tomorrow afternoon to start over. Please pray for us. Thank you.

Hey, I thought I’d like to throw in another installment of “then & now” pictures ... a variety of heart-throbs from the late 1950s and early 1960s. I think they all look pretty damn good, especially Richard Chamberlain at 80. Fun fact: Frankie Avalon has been married to the same woman for 51 years; they have eight children and 10 grandchildren. (Yikes.)

And finally ... I have another fun and easy old people’s recipe to share with you this afternoon: CANNED POT ROAST FOR SENIOR CITIZENS WITH TASTY FAUX JUS. I finally opened the 28-oz. can of Brinkman’s chunky beef that I ordered online a few weeks ago AND IT’S WAY BETTER THAN I EXPECTED. The meat is soft, lightly seasoned and tastes EXACTLY like a good pot roast that’s been on the stove for five hours! I got so damn excited I drained the liquid from the can, microwaved the meat for a few minutes in a puddle of McCormick’s instant au jus gravy mix (I recommend the giant canister from Amazon) and poured everything on top of a toasty low-carb dinner roll. If you don’t have diabetes like yours truly you can also use noodles, potatoes or rice. Or just eat the meat right out of the bowl with a side order of dill pickles. (Dill pickles go with EVERYTHING.)
Thank you for your continuing support.

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