Why I can’t sleep tonight. Four reasons.

Before I launch into the aforementioned four reasons — and they’re definitely worth waiting for, by the way — please allow me to begin with a big fat thank you for visiting the Howdygram at this ridiculous hour of the morning. So, THANK YOU. Now we can move on.

I can’t sleep tonight because ...

I FEEL LIKE CRAP. As of 4:25 a.m. my current complaints include a low-grade fever, my head is pounding, really lousy joint pain in my hands, knees, elbows and shoulders plus “electric shocks” in both feet due to diabetic peripheral neuropathy. I tried to stay in bed as long as possible but eventually you just have to accept the fact that IT EVEN HURTS TO LIE DOWN.

THERE’S A SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD. It’s “The Limpy Dimp” (I wouldn’t joke about this) from 1938’s Hold That Co-Ed starring George Murphy, John Barrymore with hilarious hair, Joan Davis and Jack Haley.

“The Limpy Dimp” is possibly the most politically-incorrect musical number I’ve ever seen. It’s a parade of college students marching to the state capital to ask the governor for dough to finance their football team — led by twinkletoes George Murphy, who you’re supposed to believe is a FOOTBALL COACH — all singing and dancing like they’re HANDICAPPED. Here’s a video in case you don’t believe me.

I NEED MORE CREAM OF MUSHROOM SOUP. I’m so terrified of running out that I had to add a 12-pack of family-size cans to my July Subscribe & Save order from Amazon. Personally, I think Amazon offers a fine value for this product. Only $25.27 for a dozen 26-oz. cans of TASTY WHITE WALLPAPER PASTE with MICROSCOPIC FLECKS OF FUNGUS!

SAM IS CONVERSING IN HIS SLEEP. For the last three hours there’s been a lot of animated talk going on in the bedroom that doesn’t involve yours truly, and it’s very distracting when there’s no way to turn down the volume. (Plus I can’t figure out what he’s saying.) I considered waking him up but there’s no point. Why should both of us sit around like zombies in the middle of the night?

Thank you for reading this.