The Howdygram 2: This is very cool, people. I’ll never have to wait for butt wipes or Velveeta again!

There’s so much exciting shit going on here today I think I could have a NERVOUS BREAKDOWN. To help keep it all straight and address each topic with equal emphasis I’ll divide this post into convenient subtitled sections. Because everybody knows how much I love convenient subtitled sections!

CHECK OUT WAL-MART’S NEW “SHIPPING PASS”. Wal-Mart has always wanted to be Amazon and today they’re giving it a shot. I signed up for Wal-Mart’s brand new “Shipping Pass” this morning, an Amazon Prime knockoff service that gives you FREE THREE-DAY SHIPPING on zillions of products for a flat annual fee of $50.

Products that don’t qualify for Shipping Pass will still ship free but take four to six days. In MY case, however, it will always be four days because Howdygram headquarters is centrally located in Texas and Wal-Mart already has a few dozen distribution centers here. THIS IS VERY COOL, PEOPLE. I’ll never have to wait for butt wipes or Velveeta again!

CHECK OUT MY NEW FREE FONTS. I’m pretty sure you don’t care but here they are, anyway. And as always, please let me know if you want any of these fonts and I’ll send the file(s) via email.

MY FRIDAY SHOPPING ADVENTURES. Today was a VERY EXCELLENT DAY around here for online purchases! First, I ordered myself the following BRAND NEW OFFICE CHAIR from Brylane Home, designed for serious people with large and exceptionally deserving fannies. I used a 20% off coupon code that also included free shipping, for a total savings of $56.99. You should never sneeze at a substantial discount like that!

Next I ordered a box of neon bendy drinking straws from Amazon due to not knowing what the hell happened to the bendy straws we already had.

I also ordered — from Amazon again — a package of Smead adhesive fasteners so I can attach homemade artsy-fartsy labels to the big storage baskets on our new étagère in the kitchen. I’m a genius, guys. I originally considered hang tags but decided on labels instead. I’ll take a few pictures afterwards.

OUR KITCHEN DEFINITELY ROCKS. Check out the before & after pictures! Refaced cabinets change EVERYTHING and the whole kitchen looks totally amazing. Even the FOOD tastes better! This weekend we’ll reload all the drawers and cabinets (everything had to be emptied before Kitchen Solvers could reface them) and organize the storage bins on our new black metal étagère.

Incidentally, I give the dudes from Kitchen Solvers TWO THUMBS UP for professionalism, punctuality, workmanship and being really nice to a pain-wracked senior citizen (yours truly) who did her best to stay out of their way. THANK YOU, ERIC AND RANDY. Feel free to stop by for lunch any time you have a craving for Beefaroni.

DON’T MISS THE BELMONT STAKES TOMORROW. As far as I can tell the big race is scheduled for 3:30 p.m. Central time tomorrow (Saturday) on NBC, where American Pharoah will try to win the first Triple Crown in 37 years. Let’s face it, people: Even if he wins, American Pharoah is no Secretariat.

American Pharoah’s time of 2:03:02 at the Kentucky Derby was the fourth-slowest time in the last 15 years, and two weeks later at the Preakness he ran 1:58:46, representing the slowest winning pace at Pimlico since Citation in 1948. It was raining that day, but still ... HOLY SHIT.

I will always be Team Secretariat and don’t think any horse will EVER beat his Triple Crown achievement in 1973. Secretariat ran the Kentucky Derby in 1:59 and the Preakness in 1:53, both times breaking track records that still stand. Then Secretariat ran the Belmont in 2:24 flat, the fastest 1½ miles on a dirt track in history with a never-matched margin-of-victory record of 31 lengths. I was 23 years old at the time and watched all three races on TV with a lot of popcorn.

In case y’all need a reminder to NEVER VOTE FOR RICK PERRY NO MATTER WHAT, I’d like to post the following video of his jaw-dropping, highly-stoned speech to a herd of New Hampshire Republicans in 2012, the first time he decided to run for president. Perry had to suspend his campaign due to being a moron and there’s really no reason to assume the same thing won’t happen again.

And finally, a quote from the lunatic fringe! The 2016 Republican clown car stopped briefly yesterday at Fox News to allow Senator Lindsey Graham just enough time to drop a quote that summarizes his entire campaign strategy. Graham made it excruciatingly clear that his administration would go to war WHETHER THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WANTED IT OR NOT.

Fox & Friends co-host Steve Doocy said, “This is a tough message. A lot of people are just worn out by war.” To which Graham responded, “Then don’t vote for me.”