The news from Catheterland tonight is excellent.

Holy crap. Yesterday was the WORST. THURSDAY. EVER.

I want to grab a short nap before someone starts yanking on my tubes again.

Happy Wednesday morning, boys and girls! It’s almost 3 a.m., and I’m waiting for Sam to wake up because I think I’M STARVING TO DEATH. He usually tumbles out of bed by 4 a.m. to enjoy a big pot of coffee and go for a two-hour walk while it’s still dark outside — retirement rocks! — but today I desperately need food before he gets involved in his regular routine. My request will include a toasted English muffin with pepper jack cheese, one large navel orange, a glass of iced tea and an excellent classic movie: Bombshell (1933) starring Jean Harlow and Franchot Tone. (This is actually an adorable screwball comedy that parodies Harlow’s life.)

Tofu Italian sausage is actually as delicious as it sounds.

Here’s what’s going on tonight at Howdygram headquarters: NOTHING. Sam is asleep on the sofa, I’m drinking iced tea, and we’re both not watching The Guns of Navarone (1961) starring Gregory Peck and David Niven. This is an excellent movie if you can remind yourself to mute the volume at crucial points in the story, because The Guns of Navarone is a nonstop festival of explosions, noise, sound effects, wailing Nazi sirens and guns. MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF GUNS!

Sometimes I fall asleep mid-sentence. My hospice team says this is part of a “decline.”

Yo. It’s almost 5 p.m. and I thought I’d get started on another Howdygram post before I fall asleep. (Because it would be awfully hard to get started after I fall asleep. I’m just saying.) I’ve been nodding off quite a bit for the past couple of days, sometimes even mid-sentence when I’m talking to Sam. My hospice team says this is actually part of a “decline.”

An oxygen cannula delivers “forced air” up your nose but has a few drawbacks.

Happy Tuesday morning from Howdygram headquarters. It’s almost 2 a.m., Sam is in bed, and I’m enjoying a few hours of quiet time with a brand new creative project for The Howdygram Store (details follow). In the meantime I’d like to tell you what’s been going on around here.

I only have two nostrils.

Don’t get hysterical or recalibrate your monitor … in case everything looks slightly different but you can’t figure out what, I just spent half an hour tweaking the Howdygram’s colors! Now the text is a pleasant yet different shade of light blue instead of a dull blue/gray, and the post headlines are a darker navy than before. I also added some additional letterspacing here and there to make everything a little more legible.

I would like to recommend Loma Linda Swiss Stakes with Tasty Tan Gravy in a Can.

Hello, people. Here’s wishing y’all a swell and peaceful Monday! It’s 4:45 p.m., Sam is in the study trying to find a photo on the Internet, and I’ve decided to squeeze in a Howdygram post while I’m still pain-free with no burning bladder spasms and no migraine headache. My project-of-the-week involves some drug experimentation.

About migraines, nausea and uncontrollable floating arms.

I’ve been working on a Howdygram post for the last several days but had no opportunity to wrap it up or publish it. Why? Because I’ve had a couple of bizarre medical emergencies — or “Incredible Medical Escapades” — going on behind the scenes here, the second of which brought me perilously close to ending my own life due to overwhelming helplessness, hopelessness and pain.

A bleeding, itching heat rash … up close and personal.

Happy Saturday, boy and girls. It’s a few minutes before 6 a.m., Sam is out in the woods enjoying his pre-dawn “constitutional,” and I’ve decided to spend some time at the keyboard composing another Howdygram post. Lucky you.