I’m sick of the pain.

THURSDAY, 11/29/2018, 9:40 A.M. Good morning, y’all. It’s a beautiful, balmy Thursday morning here in north Texas! Sam is on his way to Costco, and I’m home alone with the TV remote and a big glass of iced tea. What could be better than this?

I design the most adorable luggage tags in the world.

Hello, hello, hello! It’s 10:45 p.m. on a swell Monday night. Sam and I are waiting for a delivery from the hospice pharmacy and watching a cute romantic comedy, Breakfast for Two (1937) starring Barbara Stanwyck, Herbert Marshall and Glenda Farrell. In case you're interested, I'm expecting refills for some of my maintenance drugs ... Amitriptyline, Furosemide, Metoprolol, Gabapentin, Allopurinol and Trazodone. The pharmacy delivers until 1 a.m. (seriously!), so there’s really no way to predict what time they’ll get here.

I’m finally using the latest and greatest versions of Adobe’s Creative Cloud software.

It’s Saturday, a few minutes past 5:30 p.m., and I think I’m finally through with my graphic design projects for today … mostly because my back hurts, my knees hurt, I’m cold, I’ve got a stuffed nose and there’s nobody to talk to because Sam is unconscious on the sofa. He’s still having some severe pain from his teeth — yes, more than one! — and continues to take substantial pain meds that knock him out. I suppose my next good opportunity for human conversation will come on Tuesday morning when our hospice social worker — sweetie-pie Theresa — will be here for a visit.

We’ve decided to postpone Thanksgiving for a couple of days because Sam has a toothache.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! It’s a few minutes after 8 a.m. and I hope you’ll indulge me for a moment so I can post my annual tacky holiday graphic.

Prescription refills make me want to blow my brains out.

It’s Sunday morning, 5:34 a.m., and there’s a lot going on at Howdygram headquarters right now! Sam and I are both wide awake — I never fell asleep last night and he’s been up since 3 a.m. — and actively involved in various projects. I’m fine-tuning this Howdygram post, and Sam is doing laundry. (I can see him running around in the back hallway.) I decided not to write a Howdygram post yesterday. Instead, I spent nine hours glued to my iMac workstation … designing my new line of iPhone cases for The Howdygram Store! Woo-hoo! I’ll include a little more detail (with pictures!) down below. Keep reading …

I have five options for entertainment here.

It’s a bright and sunny Friday, almost 8:30 in the morning, and I never slept a wink last night. Not a single fucking wink! Under the circumstances I really don’t feel too lousy, although I’m sure not sleeping will hit me later like a ton of bricks. By the way, somebody please remind me to ask my R.N. [send me an EMAIL] for a stronger bedtime sedative when I see her today! She’ll be here at 11 to check my vital signs and treat the crappy skin and pressure sores on the back of my thighs. And, of course, my C.N.A. will be here at 10:30 for bathing and hygiene. It’s a busy, busy morning for your favorite bed-bound invalid.

It’s been a busy, productive and highly creative day.

WEDNESDAY, 11/14/2018, 8:19 P.M. I didn’t feel very well today. After my C.N.A. left this morning at 11 (she was here for my Wednesday bathing and hygiene session) I felt achy, thrashed around in bed for a couple of hours, adjusted and readjusted the angles of my head and knees … but I absolutely could NOT get comfortable no matter what I did. I transitioned between hot to clammy to chills, with sporadic gas pains. But when I finally decided to take my temperature — BLAMMO! — that’s when I figured out I had a low-grade fever. So I took two Hydrocodone tablets (each tablet contains 325mg of Tylenol) and eventually felt better by dinner-time. I’ve been eating Popsicles to cool myself off. Sam decided to sleep in the family room with me tonight in case I need him. Thank you, Sam … 

I’ve been re-learning how to eat chicken noodle soup.

MONDAY, 11/13/2018, 4:17 P.M. Know what I’ve been up to today? I’ve been re-learning how to eat chicken noodle soup. There’s a definite trick to this when you’re bedridden, people, and you need a special kind of bowl and different utensils. A few days ago I told Sam I really miss eating hot soup — I love hot soup! — since I’ve been confined to a hospital bed in the middle of our family room, so I decided to figure out how to make it happen.

Kindly humor me for a few minutes while I share the story of Marcy’s Catheter Hoo-Hah.

It’s the wee hours of Monday morning, just a few minutes before 1 a.m., and I thought this might be a fine excellent opportune moderately convenient time to begin another post. I just finished watching Victor/Victoria (1982) starring Julie Andrews, Robert Preston and James Garner, and I’m pretty sure I couldn’t fall asleep right now even if I tried.

Thanksgiving is meaningless for us now as a “foodie” holiday. Blintzes, anyone?

Know what’s really fucked-up? I was just online Googling random shit in the middle of the night and decided to click a link to a website about the early warning signs of Multiple Sclerosis. Incidentally … NEVER DO THIS, dear readers, because you’ll always find a way to convince yourself that you’ve got whatever deadly disease — and designer drug — they’re selling today.

You need a really strong stomach to watch a sappy Gary Cooper movie.

Yo, everybody. It’s 7:15 p.m. on a cold Friday evening here in north Texas. According to the meteorology gods at Weather.com we’re expecting the low tonight to dip down to 32° … and that’s damn cold for us at this time of year because our temperatures are typically in the 60s through New Year’s Day.

I didn’t write a single word of Howdygram copy yesterday due to a severe case of the “drowsies.”

TUESDAY, 11/06/2018, 10:16 A.M. It’s Election Day, and Sam is on his way to Tom Thumb to buy his Election Day Pumpkin Pie. To tell you the truth, I’m not interested in following any dragged out Election Day results on TV, or even online, because I just spent the last two years of my life with a revolting GOP anvil in the pit of my stomach, and I simply can’t take any more of this. Therefore this evening I plan to take an extra Hydrocodone (or two) and sleep until the results are final. You know … until TOMORROW.

Do the right thing. Eat a healthy breakfast on Tuesday and remember to vote for Democrats!

Dear Howdygram readers:

If you haven’t already voted, today is Election Day … and it’s your chance to do the right thing. PLEASE VOTE A STRAIGHT DEMOCRATIC TICKET … and let’s take back America! Make plans to get to your polling place early today, and remember to bring along the right I.D.

Thank you.

Somebody wake me when the shit’s over!

SATURDAY, 11/3/2018, 9:45 P.M. Holy mother of crap … we’ve got YOOGE THUNDERSTORMS rolling through here right now! Overall their features include: 1) thunder; 2) lightning; 3) flickering power; 4) pounding rain; 5) crazy wind; 6) a ton of noise; and 7) general scariness. Sam is sitting in the garage with the overhead door open, enjoying the show and maybe drinking a bottle of Clear American fizzy water. It’s 68° outside and a very pleasant time of night for storm appreciation. As for me, I’m enjoying a bottle of Diet Snapple Peach Tea and watching Support Your Local Sheriff (1969) starring James Garner, Harry Morgan, Walter Brennan, Joan Hackett … and Bruce Dern as the hilarious town moron, Joe Danby. I don’t think it gets much better than this, do you?

Ocean Spray’s Cran-Pineapple flavor is even better than lasagna.

FRIDAY, 11/2/2018, 11:35 A.M. Good morning from Howdygram headquarters! I’m sipping a large tumbler of Diet Ocean Spray Cran-Pineapple juice and Sam is on his way to pick up another Wal-Mart Grocery order. Upon further consideration, however, and because I truly have absolutely nothing better to do with my life … I’ve tried a lot of Ocean Spray’s flavor combinations and firmly believe that Cran-Pineapple, pictured at left, is definitely the best of the lot. For the record, I think it’s even better than lasagna! (Cran-Raspberry runs a close second.)

Happy birthday to me!

First of all, before I forget, please allow me to illustrate the importance of November 1. You already know the song and the melody, so please join in!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ALL US BEDRIDDEN OLD COO-OOOTS,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.