Sam, David and Aunt Adie demonstrate the world-famous “Sam wave.”

I am fucking miserable right now. FUCKING MISERABLE. Frankly, this might be the worst day I’ve ever had for pain in the history of America. And here’s my official and completely scientific Shit-O-Meter readout to prove it.

I’m probably the only person in history who gets blisters on the bottom of her feet from sleeping.

Good morning from north Texas, y’all, where we’re expecting a high today of 86° with a shitload of sunshine. This would be acceptable summer weather anywhere in the world, but here in Texas it’s still very early spring, so I’d be willing to bet we’re our way to record-breaking heat this year. Not necessarily hotter than usual ... but a lot more 100°+ days.

I don’t know any of the neighbors well enough to request a foot examination.

A new day, a new crisis. Remember when I mentioned “intense heel pain” in the opening paragraph of yesterday’s Howdygram post? I assumed it was diabetic peripheral neuropathy, but it wasn’t. I’VE GOT A BLEEDING BLISTER! Bleeding! I discovered it about an hour ago in the study when I kicked off my slippers and the fabric was covered in blood. HOLY MOTHER OF CRAP. I can’t examine the wound for myself due to zero flexibility, and I don’t know any of the neighbors well enough to request a foot examination while Sam is in California cavorting with his BFF.

I can’t be funny when I feel like shit.

I’ve got a yooge revelation for you, boys and girls: I CAN’T BE FUNNY WHEN I FEEL LIKE SHIT. For the last seven days the skin on the back of my thighs felt like it was burned with a blow torch, and whenever this happens — more often than I care to admit — absolutely NOTHING makes me comfortable. Not even White Castle cheeseburgers or a few extra doses of Norco. The cause of all this is DIABETIC PERIPHERAL NEUROPATHY, the same crap that: 1) makes my toes scream; 2) shoots intense pain through my left heel and “electric shocks” down the outside of my thighs; and 3) turns my hands and fingers numb. I’m presently experiencing all of the above.

Don’t eat Wal-Mart pizza and look out for fleas. Thank you.

Hi-de-ho, everybody, and welcome to the Howdygram! I have some REALLY YUGE NEWS this morning, so pop open a nice can of Diet Sunkist and let’s get started, okay?

Holy moly. I just had a brainstorm!

Happy Thursday morning, people. It’s 6 a.m. and I haven’t been to bed yet. This really isn’t as wretched as it sounds, however, because I enjoy being up all night to horse around at the computer designing things. This time it was more greeting cards, a couple of mugs and fresh category graphics for The Howdygram Store. I also spent quite a few hours organizing a treasure of new high-resolution digital backgrounds and textures that I bought from a designers’ website called Design Cuts ... it’s a gigantic bundle of 2,400 images (53 separate collections) for only $26. (Priced separately they would total more than $2,000.) Holy crap! THIS IS DELICIOUS!

I’ve been dicking around with the Howdygram again.

It’s 4:15 Wednesday morning here at Howdygram headquarters and I haven’t been to bed yet, although for four solid hours (from 10:30 last night till 2:30 a.m.) I was sprawled out on the chaise in the family room watching and sleeping through a couple of my favorite movies, namely The Rains Came (1939) starring George Brent, Tyrone Power and Myrna Loy, and The Seven Year Itch (1955) starring Tom Ewell and Marilyn Monroe.

I’ll gladly provide more information on a need-to-know basis.

Yo from Howdygram headquarters! It’s a spectacular and balmy springtime afternoon that’s bursting with sunshine ... and once again I’m at my desk in the study with a bowl of Campbell’s chicken noodle soup that definitely isn’t hot enough, but what the hell. Also some saltine crackers.

One of my favorite human beings has died.

Holy crap, I really didn’t mean to do this again. It’s been FIVE WHOLE DAYS since my last post! I haven’t been sick, thank God, just all wrapped up in my other favorite addiction ... namely, creating new greeting cards for The Howdygram Store. Here are three of my latest designs for your possible interest. There are 14 new cards in all and I’m still uploading the artwork, writing descriptions, choosing keywords and so on. This is a tedious — but seriously BIG FUN — process.

Guess who signed on for season 24 of ABC’s “Dancing with the Losers.”

I promised a medical update when my lab results were ready, remember? In a word, they turned out REALLY SWELL (okay, two words) and I’d like to share the highlights with you and yours before I forget.