Thursday, August 2, 2018

Maybe it’s time to start thinking about Manischewitz matzo balls for lunch.

Happy Thursday morning to you and yours from Howdygram headquarters! It’s 10:37 a.m. and I just woke up. I realize this must sound slothful and indolent to those of you who still lead productive lives, but I’m retired, handicapped and housebound … and already I can tell I’m having difficulties today with tremors. The tremors mostly affect my hands and fingers … crazy, jerky, repetitive motions. For instance, if I’m deleting a series of emails by pressing the “delete” key, my fingers will continue to strike the keyboard for minutes afterwards until I make a conscious decision to actually move my hand. Very weird, very annoying … and very scary sometimes, too, especially when the tremors start up all over my body, and that includes my tongue, my mouth, my arms and my legs, and even occasionally my eyelids! Today, so far, the tremors are limited to my fingers and both hands.

And as long as I’m “kvetching” right now I’d also like to discuss my WRETCHED IMMOBILITY for a moment. I can’t remember, for instance, how it feels to stand up and walk into another room of my house ... and while I’m at it, I don’t even remember what the other rooms look like any more. It’s awfully sad. I’ve got a terrific home with terrific furniture … and I think I’d kill for a chance just to sit in my own living room again!

Jesus, maybe I need to calm down a little. I’ll move on to another subject and maybe start thinking about lunch. (I want chicken soup with a bunch of Manischewitz matzo balls.)

You’ll be pleased to know that I’ve added more cute mug designs to The Howdygram Store. I uploaded four last night, and I think there are three more that I haven’t finished up yet. I also created a special-request mug for Sam that I liked so much I decided to sell it, too. (I’ll share Sam’s mug design with you in a few days. Stay tuned.)

Yesterday, just for the hell of it, I treated myself to the $2 (nope, that’s not a typo!) Jumbo Summer Graphics Bundle from Design Cuts, a website that also offers a lot of free graphic elements for designers, too. But back to yesterday’s purchase, I actually trashed about 30% of the bundle’s contents because there’s no way I’d ever use them ... Photoshop brushes, Lightroom pre-sets, photography mock-ups, and so on. But it really didn’t matter. I wound up with enough terrific graphics, backgrounds, patterns and clip art (and even a few fonts) to knock that purchase price right out of the park. Check ‘em out!

Adorable summer clipart for greeting cards and invitations.

Floral wreaths, bouquets and pretty banners in assorted shapes.

Summer pastel glitter backgrounds and seamless patterns.

Sweet children’s illustrations for cards and party invitations.

You may not understand this, but all of a sudden I feel inspired to start creating something new! I want to put together a cute line of children’s party products (paper plates, cups, drinking straws, table confetti, invitations, thank you notes) for The Howdygram Store. Woo-hoo!

Jesus, what a fantastic collection of FREE FONTS today … and they’re not only gorgeous, they’re also the bargain of a lifetime. For instance, “Gatefold” sells on for $120 and “Bellfort Draw” sells for $96. On other websites, “Merci Heart,” “Angelines,” “Riverside” and “Tall Abbey” are selling for at least $29 each.

I’ve got download links for several of these after the graphic (below). Please send me an email if you want “Riverside,” “Angelines” and/or “Tall Abbey” as well. Okay?

I have a number of interesting little subjects to discuss with y’all this afternoon, therefore I’ll emphasize them with bright red subheads so you won’t fall asleep by accident. (Or on purpose.)

First, please note that I HAVE GORGEOUS FEET. My hospice C.N.A. has been “working” on them for the last couple of months with an excellent alpha-hydroxy exfolliant cream and a foot brush. After years with puffy, dry “alligator” feet — and a lot of scaly, very dry skin that’s typical for diabetics — my feet are finally beautiful enough to model sandals in Vogue! (I might be exaggerating. Deal with it.) I’m actually thrilled about this, though, because it’s been years (decades, even) since I’ve made any headway feeling positive about my body. And it’s certainly been a long time since I’ve been happy with my FEET. Oy!

Also, Sam has made THE SKIN ON THE BACKS OF MY THIGHS just as gorgeous as my feet! If you’re a long-time Howdygram reader I’m sure you know what’s been going on with my thighs … years and years of horrible burning skin pain, mysterious wounds and leaking pressure sores. (I’m sorry if this is too much information. Please skip ahead to the next subject if you want to.) Anyway, after all kinds of medical attention for the wounds and pressure sores, Sam is finally tackling the awful, crusty dry skin with a high-beam flashlight, warm compresses and light abrasion … and he’s winning! Sam announced a couple of days ago that my skin looks fabulous. I might ask him to take a couple of pictures for me, because obviously I can’t see what’s going on back there.

If you like CHEAP, TASTY FOOD, you need to try these products: Chef Boyardee Mac & Cheese and Margaret Holmes Seasoned Italian Green Beans. You may or may not be able to find these in your local supermarket, so save yourself some frustration and order them online from Wal-Mart. Both products are absolutely yummy. I’m especially impressed with the Chef Boyardee Mac & Cheese … it’s better than Kraft’s boxed versions and just as good as many name-brand frozen casseroles. And as for the green beans, they really taste homemade and don’t even need a pinch of salt. Impressive!

Canned mac & cheese and seasoned Italian green beans … brilliant!

I’m having MORE BREATHING DIFFICULTIES this afternoon. Sometimes I hesitate to alert Sam because he gets mildly hysterical, but there’s no point “pretending” I can breathe when I need to be using oxygen! Please stand by while I ask Sam to hook up the generator for me. Thank you.

I just sent Sam to the supermarket on an EMERGENCY CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM RUN. This is serious stuff! I’ve been craving chocolate ice cream for weeks, and today’s the day I’m finally through suffering.

Sam just called from Braum’s, a chain of ice cream shops located all over Texas and Oklahoma. There’s a Braum’s here in Mesquite about a mile from home, and apparently they carry a huge line of no sugar added frozen yogurt flavors (who knew?) … and I’m so excited I can hardly stand it! I asked Sam to bring home a container of their Chocolate Malt flavor, I think it’s one of those stupid “three pint” bogus half-gallon wannabe sizes. But I’ll take it!

Once again, boys and girls, the USDA is grieved to announce that it’s not safe to eat FRESH HEALTHY SHIT any more. It was always a “given” that you’d turn to salads and fresh wraps when you wanted to take off a few pounds. Wrong! Now all you’ll get is a fucking case of cyclospora, especially if you live in Illinois! Federal food safety inspectors are warning of another potentially yooge contamination, this time affecting salads and wraps sold by Trader Joe’s, Walgreens and Kroger. Check your refrigerators … the products all have “sell by” dates ranging from July 18 to July 23. (Actually, if you still have any fresh salads dating back to July 18, they’re probably sprouting penicillin by now.)

Please avoid the contaminated salads at Trader Joe’s. 

Illinois already has seen a spike in nasty cyclospora cases all spring and summer, with more than 620 people infected in previous unrelated outbreaks. Bottom line: If you live in Chicago and you want a salad, take the train to Milwaukee.

Thank you for reading this, and hey … if you have a few free minutes before you go to bed tonight please do your best to remember the Alamo, okay?

No comments: