Saturday, March 14, 2015

Everything’s bigger in Texas. (Including the bullshit.)

What does a wide awake senior citizen with shitty knees and feet do for fun at 5 a.m. on Saturday morning? I MAKE LISTS OF THINGS TO DO. Today these include: 1) excursions for Sam to Costco and Tom Thumb as we’ve apparently run out of groceries; 2) do a shitload of laundry; 3) do a post office mail drop drive-by; 4) clean out the freezer; and 5) telephone assorted friends, acquaintances and siblings. Of all of these I’m probably mostly intrigued and sexually aroused by number 4. Our freezer is packed with fantastic crap from Schwan’s except I don’t remember what I bought, when I bought it or where the hell Sam put it. So it will be BIG FUN today to zero in on all of the following tasty whatnots, wherever they may be. Is this gorgeous, or what? COME ON OVER AND EAT THINGS WITH ME!

The Lone Star State’s very own iconic ice cream company, Blue Bell Creameries, evidently is mighty excited to announce its first-ever PRODUCT RECALL after murdering three unsuspecting slobs with Listeriosis. To help spread the good news faster than bacterial contamination, Blue Bell’s home page looks like THIS today:
Beloved Blue Bell has proudly issued a recall for many of its popular frozen snacks but said a number of its other products are not affected in case you’re feeling lucky. The contaminated bars were all made in Texas — EVERYTHING’S BIGGER IN TEXAS! — on a single production line at the Blue Bell plant in Brenham, according to the Texas Department of State Health Services. Please DO NOT EAT the following (or feel free to send them to our moron former fetus legislator in Austin):
  • Chocolate Chip Country Cookie Bars
  • Great Divide Bars
  • Sour Pop Green Apple Bars
  • Cotton Candy Bars
  • Scoops
  • Vanilla Stick Slices
  • Almond Bars
  • No-Sugar-Added Mooo Bars (regular Mooo Bars are not included)
Symptoms of Listeriosis include fever, muscle aches, headache, stiff neck, confusion, loss of balance and convulsions. Then you die. Thank you.

I love Saturdays, don’t you? It’s 11:45 a.m, the dishwasher is running, there’s a juicy load of laundry spinning in the washer and Sam is on his way to the post office and Costco. We’re so goddamn productive a person could have a nervous breakdown! For your possible interest the following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) the Garland post office on Oates Drive near Broadway; C) Costco in Rockwall; and D) my cardiologist’s office. My next appointment with Dr. Singh is Tuesday morning. (Try to control your excitement.)
Oy, I need a nap. I take a killer combination of morning meds that really knocks me for a loop, including hydrocodone and a strong blood pressure drug. My head has almost smacked into the keyboard twice in the last 10 minutes. It’s been nice hanging out with you but I’m done for now. Shalom to you and yours.

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