Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Closeted Congressman Aaron Schock has partied himself out of a job.

While I sit here pondering dinner — always a worthwhile late-afternoon activity at Howdygram headquarters — I thought it might be fun to share our latest Putz of the Week because the story is a classic, shining example of Republican stupidity. Meet Congressman Aaron Schock of Illinois, who resigned yesterday due to severe over-exposure. And we’re not just talking about his NIPPLES.
It seems that our closeted Congressman Schock, who’s DEFINITELY NOT GAY, employed a full-time not-gay personal photographer for years at the taxpayers’ expense ... an adorable little best friend and intellectual companion highly-skilled professional named Jonathon Link who’s on call round-the-clock and accompanies Schock everywhere he goes to snap pictures of the Congressman skiing, surfing, dining out, posing in stylish clothes, shopping for antiques and flexing his credible six-pack abs while vacationing in Beverly Hills, Patagonia, Miami and India. Also on the taxpayers’ dime.

Stories about Schock’s potential misuse of taxpayer and campaign funds have been cropping up with increasing frequency since the Washington Post published photos of his outrageous definitely not gay $40,000 “Downton Abbey” office décor six weeks ago, featuring red carpeting, pheasant feathers, gilded mirrors and elaborate “period lighting” in the Rayburn House Office Building.
Even if you’re not one of the poor schmucks in Schock’s home district in Peoria, Illinois, here for your possible interest are some additional revelations about the congressman’s spending habits and jet-setting lifestyle that preceded his resignation.
  • The Associated Press noted that Schock’s  campaign funds paid more than $24,000 for tickets to various shows and concerts in 2014, including a $1,928 expense from to purchase tickets to a sold-out Katy Perry show.
  • Schock sold his $128,000 Peoria-area home to a campaign donor shortly before the 2012 election for $925,000. The sale prompted Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington, a watchdog group, to file a complaint against Schock.
  • On the day Schock resigned, Politico reported that he’d billed his campaign and the federal government for approximately 170,000 miles that he logged while driving his Chevrolet Tahoe from January 2010 through July 2014. Unfortunately, when Schock sold that car last summer it only had about 80,000 miles on the odometer.
  • He had a $5,000 replica of President Obama’s lectern built at the taxpayers’ expense.
The problem isn’t only that Aaron Schock is a crook and a liar ... it’s that HE PAID A PHOTOGRAPHER TO DOCUMENT EVERYTHING FOR INSTAGRAM. What a putz.

Hydrocodone is AWESOME, people! I’m so zoned-out right now I just dropped my cordless mouse on the floor for the third time in 15 minutes. Maybe I should nuke a few Schwan’s cheesy breadsticks and watch The Brain That Wouldn’t Die (1962) starring Jason Evers and Virginia Leith, which is mostly a lighthearted love story about a woman named Jan Compton who gets decapitated in a car wreck. Lucky for Jan, her boyfriend is a doctor who’s experimenting with risky transplant techniques and decides to preserve her talking head in his lab until he finds a suitable replacement body. The candidates, of course, all turn out to be STRIPPERS.
Others in the cast include Eddie Carmel as a failed transplant experiment who’s chained up in a closet in Dr. Cortner’s lab and Anthony LaPenna as Kurt, the doctor’s lab assistant, who accidentally gets a little too close to the monster. This is an excellent scene that involves Kurt getting his arms ripped off while Jan’s head laughs maniacally from the pan on the counter. Sam and I actually own this fine film on DVD.

Have a really pleasant evening, okay?

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