Thanks to some cheerful U.S. mail I am no longer very crabby.

A few hours ago I decided to write a Howdygram post about being VERY CRABBY TODAY. Fortunately for all concerned I’m feeling a whole bunch less crabby now than I did then, thanks to a long nap after lunch and some cheerful U.S. mail that Sam dropped on my desk before he left for work. This included all of the following.

• Why I should consider immediate cremation with the Neptune Society. I hope they don’t mind if I die first.
• An invitation to gum a free steak dinner at Texas Land & Cattle Restaurant in Rowlett if I sit through a 60-minute senior citizen retirement planning presentation. Just a thought, but isn’t it a little late to start planning for retirement WHEN YOU’RE ALREADY RETIRED?
• Absolute Hyundai of Mesquite is so happy I’m an old person living within 15 miles of their stupid fucking dealership that they want to give me a MAYBE TOTALLY FREE BRAND NEW SONATA with a trunk that’s big enough for a wheelchair. I don’t trust these people.
• King Super China Buffet on Towne Crossing Boulevard is now offering a senior discount AND Sunday frog legs. I’d rather get a cortisone injection than eat frog legs.
• In case I’m already not convinced of my advancing age, Grove Hill Mortuary and Cemetery wants to treat me to a funeral-planning seminar and a FREE DINNER WITH CLOTH NAPKINS at the Olive Garden, which conveniently is right next door to the Chinese buffet mentioned above. It just doesn’t get any better than death and linguine.

I ask you, how could anybody still be very crabby after a mail haul like THAT?

For your possible interest the following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) Texas Land & Cattle Restaurant in Rowlett; C) King Super China Buffet with Sunday frog legs; D) Olive Garden; and E) Absolute Hyundai. Not pictured: My podiatrist’s office at Belt Line Road and Guthrie in Garland.

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The Salvation Army is coming tomorrow to haul away our old sunken leather chaise and Macy’s will be here on Saturday to deliver a brand new NOT sunken one. I am beside myself with total joy and can hardly wait to jump on for my first official nap. Glorioski!

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Guess what I’m making for dinner tonight! NO-STRESS SLOPPY JOES FOR SENIOR CITIZENS WITH CRAPPY HANDS AND KNEES served on toasty low-carb onion rolls! The recipe is easy enough for damn near everybody. You just pour one nice can of Manwich into a little pot, add three teeny pouches of Libby seasoned crumbly ground beef and smoosh them together for a couple of minutes over low heat. You don’t have to thaw any frozen meat in advance or stand at the stove for half an hour smashing raw beef in a frying pan. And here’s a SECRET GOURMET HINT! I usually throw a shot of cayenne pepper into my Manwich and sometimes salt, depending on the state of my taste buds. (They’re doing well at the moment, thank God.) Everything tastes better with cayenne pepper and salt.

Thank you for reading this.