Friday, August 29, 2014

Holy crap. We’re having a surprise thunderstorm!

Hi, boys and girls! It’s a hot, sticky Friday in Howdygramland (94° last time I checked) and there isn’t much going on around here except for: 1) digesting lunch; 2) regrouping my neurons following a lovely afternoon nap; and 3) planning my next meal. In case you give a crap, lunch was Oscar Mayer pickle & pimiento loaf on low-carb rye and dinner will be my latest almost-Italian recipe for senior citizens, which I’ll cover in detail for you RIGHT NOW.

My latest culinary creation — MENTALLY ILL SPAGHETTI FOR SENIOR CITIZENS WITH REALLY SPEEDY MEAT SAUCE — is a double-whammy of joy. It’s a low-carb recipe for diabetics AND an easy meal for seniors with mobility shit who can’t stand at the stove and cook things any more. The ingredients include two bags of angel hair Miracle Noodles, about half a jar of Bella Vita low-carb (or any brand) pasta sauce, one pouch of Libby’s crumbly ground beef, an insane amount of Wal-Mart’s store-brand parmesan cheese and melted mozzarella on top.
Here’s what you do. Empty both bags of Miracle Noodles into a wire strainer, rinse them really well under warm water and then let them drain for a few minutes. While they’re draining you should cut up the noodles with a kitchen shears because they’re about 225 feet long (not an exact measurement). Dump the noodles into a nice saucepan and add your pasta sauce and the pouch of ground beef. If you’re like me, this is a swell time to jazz up your sauce with some hot pepper flakes and a dash of liquid sweetener (I use EZ-Sweetz).

Add a few tablespoons of Wal-Mart’s parmesan cheese — as good as Kraft but MUCH CHEAPER — to thicken the sauce and then heat everything on the stove for about six minutes. Pour into a glass pie pan or a microwave-safe bowl, top with a lot more parmesan and a pile of shredded mozzarella, and nuke it for a couple of minutes until it gets melty. If you have a sense of humor this is actually a fabulous mock-Italian feast. I know you’ll love it as much as I do. The best part is, the noodles have ZERO CALORIES and you don’t have to stand at the stove smashing ground beef into a frying pan.

I’ll close this post with a fun video compilation of a bunch of current celebrities doing TV commercials long before they were famous. I personally don’t know all of these people, but I’m sure you’ll recognize Meg Ryan, Brad Pitt, Morgan Freeman, Michael J. Fox, Britney Spears, Steve Carell, Jason Alexander, Stephen Colbert and a few others.

Holy crap. All of sudden we’re having a SURPRISE THUNDERSTORM!

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