Convenience products can prevent hysterics in the kitchen due to not being able to stand at the stove.

I’m officially mad about a thing, people. YOU’VE BEEN HOLDING OUT ON ME. Last night I discovered — COMPLETELY BY ACCIDENT — that Libby’s makes tuna-style pouches of COOKED AND SEASONED CRUMBLY GROUND BEEF that are shelf-stable, very cheap (only $1.98) and intensely popular with savvy senior citizen reviewers on the interwebs. WHY DIDN’T ANYBODY TELL ME ABOUT THIS? I just ordered a bunch of them from Wal-Mart plus three cans of Manwich to make up for lost time.

As an old person with chronic pain and mobility issues I haven’t set foot in a supermarket for at least five years (I don’t want to scare people again; see details below) and have no knowledge whatsoever about all the exciting new convenience products that could prevent hysterics in the kitchen due to not being able to stand at the stove. The point is, now that I’ve found out about Libby’s tuna-style pouches of seasoned crumbly ground beef — two kinds! regular and spicy! — I’d be very grateful if you could let me know as soon as possible what else I’ve been missing. THANK YOU.

DETAILS. My last official visit to a supermarket was a trip to Tom Thumb in 2009 while Sam was out of town. I managed to shlep myself to the dairy case for milk and eggs, but on my way up front to the checkouts I was in so much pain —  limping, dragging a leg, leaning over the cart, crying — that customers were backing away. (I’m guessing it was the agony on my face. Also the sobbing out loud.) When a scripted yet cheerful assistant manager finally asked, “Are you finding everything you need today?” I shrieked GET ME TO THE GODDAMN CASHIER so he ran ahead to clear the decks. By the time I got to the parking lot my knees were so stiff I couldn’t sit down in the car and almost thought I’d have to call an ambulance to drive me home, thus inventing the world’s most over-priced grocery delivery service. Holy crap, right?

And I’ll bet you thought I wasn’t enjoying my retirement.