Thursday, May 25, 2017

Our tree has bugs on it.

Yo, everybody. It’s 2:25 a.m., and I just woke up from a juicy extended nap and entertainment break in the family room that included an episode of “People’s Court,” Broadway Melody of 1940 starring Fred Astaire and Eleanor Powell, and the first 45 minutes of The Eddy Duchin Story (1956) starring Tyrone Power and Kim Novak, because at that point I had to get up and pish already.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Zazzle is advertising The Howdygram Store on MSN.com.

Happy Tuesday, boys and girls! I’ll try to remain cheerful as I write even though I’ve had a couple of shitty days this week, health-wise. I refer specifically to the following specific physical complaints, which are basically the same as Sunday’s: 1) screaming toes; 2) electric shocks in my left heel; 3) pain in both knees; 4) burning skin on the back of my thighs; 5) unexpected and frequent bladder explosions; and 6) feeling lightheaded. Put them all together and you feel like TOTAL CRAP. I’ll post my latest Shit-O-Meter readout for your possible interest.

Sunday, May 21, 2017

I highly recommend teeny microwaves.

Hello again. It’s 2:20 p.m. here in north Texas, and I just woke up about half an hour ago because I didn’t go to bed until 6 a.m., and nothing — neither Sam nor a noisy round of thunderstorms — woke me up. For lunch I just made myself a pouch of Mountain House freeze-dried Spaghetti with Meat Sauce, which is a perfect entree for senior citizens who can’t stand up any more to cook things, plus a tasty bottle of Crystal Light Peach Mango Green Tea. I buy their “singles to go” variety.

Saturday was a little rocky for me.

Hi, people, and happy Sunday morning from Howdygram headquarters! It’s 3:15 a.m. and I’ve been nursing a “bleeder” for the last two hours. TWO HOURS! When you take a blood thinner (Coumadin) even a teeny little nick with a cuticle scissors can turn into a scene from M*A*S*H ... and that’s exactly what’s going on here while I try to write this post. I guess I’ll have to wait until my finger stops gushing so I can bandage the goddamn thing and go to bed. I’ve already decided that tonight’s sleeping movie will be How to Marry a Millionaire (1953) starring Lauren Bacall, Marilyn Monroe and Betty Grable. It’s an all-time favorite of mine.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Waiting for tornadoes.

Yo from north Texas, everybody! We’ve got tornado watches all over the place here in the Dallas metro area right now with “a dangerous night ahead” forecast by the lying sacks of poo at Weather.com, who never seem to get it right. I don’t need any tornadoes, hurricanes, wind or hail, but we sure could use a few hours of nice, heavy rain to fill up the Lake Ray Hubbard reservoir in time for summer.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Times Roman makes me want to puke.

WEDNESDAY MORNING, 8:45 A.M. Hi-de-ho, friends. It’s a balmy morning, Sam is outside on the patio with a pot of coffee, and I’m in the study trying to adjust to using a new browser (Safari). Ever since our new iMacs were installed a few weeks ago I’d been experiencing a never-ending list of irritating issues with Firefox — frozen screens, videos that don’t play, URLs that refuse to load, etc. — so when Sam told me he read recently that Firefox is no longer compatible with the latest Mac OS I finally knew it was time for me to move on. So I’m trying to work with Safari.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Sam and I can’t accept the agonizing reality that an orangutan is living in the White House.

Hi, people. I wanted to unwind for a while with the Howdygram because it’s been another crazy national news day and my brain is completely fried. The big headline of the moment ... apparently Trump blabbered top secret intelligence information to the Russian spies he hosted last week in the Oval Office. You know, just to show off. The entire world is on high alert because of Donald Trump’s incompetence, and he proves his critics right — once again — this time by trying to impress RUSSIAN SPIES!

Monday, May 15, 2017

I wasted a whole Sunday. God, it was wonderful.

I’m back, after practically sleeping through (and wasting) a whole Sunday. Mostly I was conked out on the chaise in the family room, which is the best damn spot in the house, watching movies with ice water and Sam, not necessarily in that order.

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Sayonara, thank you for reading this and remember the Alamo.

Before I forget, the Howdygram would like to wish y’all a very happy Mother’s Day in case you’re a mother, an expectant mother, a grandmother, or just have a uterus that’s ready for action. In your honor I even invented the following tasteful graphic and uploaded a similar version to my Facebook page. So I definitely think I’ve covered all the angles for Mother’s Day, am I right?

Friday, May 12, 2017

I’ve been dicking around with the Howdygram again.

It’s a beautiful Friday morning here at Howdygram headquarters, and Sam just unpacked the new LED desk lamp that I ordered from Amazon. IT’S GORGEOUS. For your possible interest here’s a photo with all of the best features labeled with neat little arrows. Sam said he’d plug it in for me next time I’m away from my desk, such as when I take my shower or a nap. Believe it or not, I actually plan to do BOTH within the next half hour or so!

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Sean Spicer is a national joke representing a national disgrace. He should have resigned three months ago.

TUESDAY MORNING. About an hour ago — around 2 a.m., I think — I woke up from a nap in the family room ... with VERTIGO. No kidding, people, the entire room was spinning in a tastefully-decorated clockwise circle and nothing would stop it. I sat up on the side of the chaise lounge and tried to get my bearings, but after 20 minutes of this I started to feel nauseated from the constant motion and had to lean over sideways to rest my head. I eventually made it to the bathroom for a middle-of-the-night senior citizen bladder party and then into the study, which is where I am right now. The vertigo is still coming back every few minutes and I’M NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS. Maybe I’ll feel better with a large dose of Norco and some Cheetos.

Monday, May 8, 2017

In case you’re interested, I spill things and I bleed.

I thought I started a Howdygram post last night before I finally went to bed at 4 a.m., but apparently I was wrong. So I’ll start one NOW instead. Yee-haw!

Friday, May 5, 2017

It’s time once again for our beloved annual mayonnaise festival. Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Shalom y’all, and HAVE A SWELL AND MERRY CINCO DE MAYO from your friends at Howdygram headquarters. The following celebration graphic says it all!

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Frankly, you can never have too many woodland animals.

Shalom, good morning and happy Tuesday to you and yours. It’s 3:15 a.m., and for a pleasant change of pace I’ve got Sam here in the study with me! He’s wide awake with a fresh pot of coffee, feeling the after-effects of too many long naps on Monday, and I’m enjoying my usual upside-down “night owl” schedule. Deal with it, okay?

Friday, April 28, 2017

The Howdygram Store is selling my adorable greeting cards like goddamn hotcakes.

Sometimes I think weirdness is the only constant at Howdygram headquarters. For instance, I had a doctor’s appointment on Tuesday afternoon that I had to cancel at the very last minute — and I mean this LITERALLY — due to not being able to get into the car. I just couldn’t lift my left leg high enough ... sixteen fucking inches! I was so disappointed I wanted to cry. Sam called Dr. M’s office while I was still twisting around in the garage and told the scheduling desk that I wouldn’t be there ... and why.

Sunday, April 23, 2017

My Potato Express was a knock-off from China and I only paid 98¢ for the damn thing.

Happy Sunday, boys and girls. It’s been strange around here today! This morning shortly after breakfast — which included teeny White Castle Cheeseburgers and a large volume of sugar-free lemonade — I got dizzy and slightly nauseated and wound up on the chaise in the family room, where I passed out for FOUR HOURS. (I’m convinced that the dizzy/nausea hoo-hah is related to a lot of morning meds on a very empty stomach.) When I woke up at 1:30 the only thing I wanted was a hot shower, a fluffy shampoo and a nice clean nightie.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Adobe fonts were unbelievably expensive in the 1980s. A lot like buying lox.

Hey. Hi, everybody. It’s 4 a.m. and I’m totally jazzed and wide awake in the middle of the night, probably because Sam and I both conked out in the family room after dinner and slept for about four hours. When I woke up at 1 a.m. I decided to migrate into the study to horse around with my brand new iMac ... and I’m still horsing around.

Friday, April 21, 2017

I tweezed my eyebrows today.

Following seven-and-a-half hours of glorious, uninterrupted sleep last night, it’s my pleasure to welcome y’all to the Howdygram. Know what? I’m always amazed by how swell a person can feel after a good night’s sleep! And instead of shlepping myself directly into the study to check email and take my standard handful of morning meds, I chose instead to start my day (at 11:45 a.m.) with a nice hot shower, my favorite body wash, a fluffy shampoo and a fresh bathrobe. I EVEN TWEEZED MY EYEBROWS. I love being retired!

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Our new iMacs are here. I’m so excited I can’t stand it.

Hi, boys and girls. I’ve been trying to write a Howdygram post for three days but it’s been difficult getting started, and I honestly can’t figure out WHY. I guess I was feeling emotionally droopy, generally blah and not very energetic. Incidentally, to those of you who panicked that I got sick again and landed back in the hospital, please calm down. I’m fine.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Remember Bernie Madoff? I hope his teeth fall out the day before Thanksgiving.

It’s Easter Sunday, 2:45 a.m., Sam is asleep and I’m enjoying Hormel Compleats meatloaf and mashed potatoes with tasty brown gravy because my stomach was really empty and Hormel’s little airplane-sized meals are just enough to fill me up in the middle of the night. Personally, I think this is the best variety Hormel makes ... not counting their chili with beans.