Saturday, March 17, 2018

Freeze-dried Mountain House entrées are ideal for housebound senior citizens like yours truly.

Yo from Howdygram headquarters! It’s a weird Friday night here in north Texas, where I’m multi-tasking with barbecue potato chips, screaming pain in my baby toe and our movie-du-jour, Jersey Boys (2014), the story of the 1960s pop group the Four Seasons, starring — ready for this? — Vincent Piazza, Erich Bergen, Michael Lomenda and John Lloyd Young as Frankie Valli … all were apparently in the original Broadway cast. I never heard of any of them. To tell you the truth, the only familiar face was Christopher Walken’s as a mobster named “Gyp.” But the movie is terrific, and the music is even better!

Friday, March 16, 2018

It’s officially impossible to sit, walk or smile … and I want to strangle somebody.

Howdy, people. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to sit here typing tonight due to having a thoroughly miserable day of pain (details follow) and not feeling especially motivated towards creativity of any kind whatsoever. It started when I woke up this morning at 7, and four hours later I was already too uncomfortable (actually, I was crying) and couldn’t continue to sit in the study. As I write this post: 1) the skin on the back of both thighs feels like a third degree burn; 2) there’s a screaming baby toe on my left foot caused by gout and a massive ingrown corn; 3) neuropathy pain in both heels that’s reminiscent of plantar fasciitis plus shooting sparks on the outside of my right thigh; and last but not least 4) arthritis pain in both knees. Therefore it’s officially impossible to sit, walk or smile ... AND I WANT TO STRANGLE SOMEBODY!

Thursday, March 15, 2018

Mentally ill emails, round two.

Good evening, boys and girls. It’s me — Marcy — and I’m writing to you with gleeful hysteria (and two little cups of sugar-free Jell-O) from my new favorite location in the family room ... now that I’ve got my new MacBook Pro! No kidding, this is one of the most wonderful things that’s ever happened to me ... not counting the discovery of pre-cooked pasta in a microwaveable pouch. Don’t forget that I’m a handicapped senior citizen with all kinds of mobility issues, so it’s heaven being able to write a Howdygram post after dinner without shlepping back into the study to use my desktop Mac. (It takes forever to haul myself from room to room around here. You never realize how big your house is until you can’t walk any more.)

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

It’s always the right time for Nick and Nora.

I’m writing this post from the comfort of our sofa in the family room ... with my brand new MacBook Pro! It arrived late this afternoon right before Sam started to make dinner. I tried to control my rising hysteria but I think he knew that I wanted to skip the meatballs, rip open the carton and start horsing around IMMEDIATELY.

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

My new MacBook Pro will be here today. Holy crap.

Show of hands! Does everybody love the Howdygram’s NEW LOOK? The biggest change — okay, the only change — is a new text color. I switched it from a neutral taupe to dusty blue, which is actually a lighter version of the color in our cowpoke mascot’s neck scarf. I continue to dick around with the Howdygram’s design features because: 1) I enjoy it; 2) it’s free; and 3) I don’t have anything else to do.

Monday, March 12, 2018

Old pictures and new teeth.

Hi-de-ho, dear readers! It’s 7 o’clock Monday morning and I’m taking pills, reading email and killing time until Elite Mobile Dental shows up with a wax mold of my new lower denture. They’re supposed to be here at 8:30, and I’m thoroughly goddamn excited about this because I’ve had seriously insufficient lower teeth for decades … and no lower teeth at all for the last six weeks! Stay tuned for additional developments but please feel free to resume your normal routine in the meantime. (Thank you.)

Sunday, March 11, 2018

Please forgive me for taking such a long break since my last post on February 25.

Here’s wishing y’all a pleasant Sunday from Howdygram headquarters! It’s a peachy-keen spring day here in north Texas with temperatures in the mid-60s and a shitload of sunshine. Sam just got home from a trip to Wal-Mart and I’m parked in the study with a banana. It’s a perfect day. The only thing that could make it better is a nice long nap and a William Powell movie. (Note to self: Schedule a nice long nap and a William Powell movie.)

Sunday, February 25, 2018

From what I can tell, about 65% of NBC’s televised prime-time Olympics coverage has been about snowboarding.

Hi-de-ho, people. It’s another cold, wet day in north Texas. We’ve got a full day of storms and heavy rain in the forecast … and the fun is expected to start around 10 a.m. (two hours from now) after Sam swings by our polling place to take care of his early voting responsibilities. (It’s the Democratic primary for the November election.)

Thursday, February 22, 2018

Creativity, thunderstorms, new fonts … and that asshole is still in the White House.

You have to forgive me. I’ve been a little too wrapped up in my other addiction — greeting card design — for the last seven days and really haven’t set aside any extra time to write a Howdygram post. However I did put all that “design time” to good use. I created about 14 new cards for The Howdygram Store, including two new collections … “Me and the Cat” and some pretty soft-touch watercolor landscapes.

Thursday, February 15, 2018

Aljona Savchenko and Bruno Massot of Germany demonstrate the crowd-pleasing “flying crotch.”

Happy Thursday morning to you and yours! We’re experiencing a highly pleasant (and well-deserved) balmy pre-spring day here with an expected high around 80°. Following an unusually long Texas winter (three months!) with temperatures that rarely rose above 40°, Sam is so fucking happy he’s planning to go for a walk at one of his favorite parks followed by a quick trip to Wal-Mart for saltines, Claussen dill pickles and a bottle of low-dose aspirin. I’ll hold down the fort here at home because I’m a handicapped and housebound senior citizen. (I’m actually okay with this.)

Monday, February 12, 2018

I apologize for my absence last week.

Yo, shalom, howdy and happy Monday from Howdygram headquarters! It’s another cold and cloudy day here, following three months of more cold and cloudy days. Texas is definitely sick of winter. Yesterday we even had a small ICE STORM, which melted by mid-day due to a brief period of sunshine and an afternoon high that hit 50°. We’re all looking ahead to Wednesday with a high in the 60s and a steady spring warm-up every day thereafter. We even have thunderstorms in the forecast. At last!

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

A big Wal-Mart order, a visit from my HouseCalls medical team and our brand new feature, Let’s Learn Yiddish!

The stock market finally had an “up” day today — thank God! — so I’m feeling cheerful enough to suck* on an Atkins energy bar and write a quick Howdygram post. I’ll break the good financial news to Sam when he’s through with his afternoon nap.

Monday, February 5, 2018

Take care of your teeth … you’ll miss ’em when they’re gone.

It’s a bitter cold and overcast Monday morning here at Howdygram headquarters … about 34° with plenty of clouds. Tonight it will drop to freezing; tomorrow we’re expecting significant thunderstorms. This is an excellent situation, and I’m not complaining because we really need rain around here. Bring it on!

Friday, February 2, 2018

I am now living, breathing combination of Walter Brennan and Sylvester the Cat.

Hi-de-ho and happy Friday morning to you and yours! Sam is picking up a few grocery essentials at Wal-Mart — hummus, cheese, chicken lunch meat, braunschweiger, and a nice loaf of bread — while I hold down the proverbial fort here at Howdygram headquarters. And I also want to thank you in advance for putting up with me, as I’ve had a very difficult month bouncing back from another health scare (cellulitis in my right leg), a two-week fever and hospitalization at Baylor’s nearby medical center in Sunnyvale. As a result I’ve had almost zero energy whatsoever, a shitty appetite, a lot of difficulty moving around in the house, and I’ve even had to go back to using my walker so I won’t fall down.

Monday, January 22, 2018

Panda Express has really decent Chinese food to go.

I’m finally clawing my way back to life today after struggling through some harrowing events. I’ll describe them for you in the following subtitled paragraphs.

Thursday, January 11, 2018

The inside of our garage is an office chair graveyard.

Greetings and salutations from north Texas, where it’s dark, dreary, 42° and shrouded in fog. This is the kind of aggravating weather that makes housebound senior citizens such as yours truly want to beat their indoor plants to death with a cane. Or maybe I need to take an extra handful of anti-depressants.

Saturday, January 6, 2018

“Parnell” starring Clark Gable and Myrna Loy is the latest addition to my list of The Worst Movies Ever Made.

Hi-de-ho and happy Saturday! It’s a lovely, sunny winter day here in Texas, and our forecast high will be 62° by mid-afternoon. For those of you who live in the miserable, frozen north, such as all of my relations and pals in Chicago, you have my deepest sympathy. I don’t know how you can stand it. (Forgive me if I’m being obtuse.)

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

My wish for the new year ... holy mother of crap, why doesn’t Mueller DO SOMETHING already!?

About that post headline … I mean it with every fiber of my soul! I’m sick of this goddamn, slow-as-molasses investigation by special counsel Robert Mueller, and I WANT SOME ACTION already. It can’t be possible that he doesn’t have enough dirt on the Trump crime family by now to start taking them down. Every time I hear Donald Trump’s voice or see his ugly face I want to SCREAM … or PUKE … OR BOTH!

Sunday, December 31, 2017

It’s New Year’s Eve, Sam has “cabin fever” and I’m ordering Chinese food.

It’s 2 p.m. on a bitter cold New Year’s Eve. The outside temperature is 26° with a wind-chill of 13°. THAT’S FUCKING RIDICULOUS FOR TEXAS, people. And it’s also been dark, dismal and overcast for the last several days, which only makes it feel worse. Sam has developed “cabin fever,” a temporary mental illness that develops whenever you’re stuck indoors for a prolonged period of time and can’t get out to enjoy the sunshine. There isn’t any sunshine, and it’s just TOO DAMN COLD.

Friday, December 29, 2017

A senior citizen shopping splurge that went off the rails.

I didn’t know for sure if I wanted to write a post today as I’ve been swamped with so many other pressing activities here at Howdygram headquarters. These include: 1) breakfast; 2) downloading new clipart for greeting card projects for The Howdygram Store; and 3) taking a shower.