Sunday, April 23, 2017

My Potato Express was a knock-off from China and I only paid 98¢ for the damn thing.

Happy Sunday, boys and girls. It’s been strange around here today! This morning shortly after breakfast — which included teeny White Castle Cheeseburgers and a large volume of sugar-free lemonade — I got dizzy and slightly nauseated and wound up on the chaise in the family room, where I passed out for FOUR HOURS. (I’m convinced that the dizzy/nausea hoo-hah is related to a lot of morning meds on a very empty stomach.) When I woke up at 1:30 the only thing I wanted was a hot shower, a fluffy shampoo and a nice clean nightie.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Adobe fonts were unbelievably expensive in the 1980s. A lot like buying lox.

Hey. Hi, everybody. It’s 4 a.m. and I’m totally jazzed and wide awake in the middle of the night, probably because Sam and I both conked out in the family room after dinner and slept for about four hours. When I woke up at 1 a.m. I decided to migrate into the study to horse around with my brand new iMac ... and I’m still horsing around.

Friday, April 21, 2017

I tweezed my eyebrows today.

Following seven-and-a-half hours of glorious, uninterrupted sleep last night, it’s my pleasure to welcome y’all to the Howdygram. Know what? I’m always amazed by how swell a person can feel after a good night’s sleep! And instead of shlepping myself directly into the study to check email and take my standard handful of morning meds, I chose instead to start my day (at 11:45 a.m.) with a nice hot shower, my favorite body wash, a fluffy shampoo and a fresh bathrobe. I EVEN TWEEZED MY EYEBROWS. I love being retired!

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Our new iMacs are here. I’m so excited I can’t stand it.

Hi, boys and girls. I’ve been trying to write a Howdygram post for three days but it’s been difficult getting started, and I honestly can’t figure out WHY. I guess I was feeling emotionally droopy, generally blah and not very energetic. Incidentally, to those of you who panicked that I got sick again and landed back in the hospital, please calm down. I’m fine.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Remember Bernie Madoff? I hope his teeth fall out the day before Thanksgiving.

It’s Easter Sunday, 2:45 a.m., Sam is asleep and I’m enjoying Hormel Compleats meatloaf and mashed potatoes with tasty brown gravy because my stomach was really empty and Hormel’s little airplane-sized meals are just enough to fill me up in the middle of the night. Personally, I think this is the best variety Hormel makes ... not counting their chili with beans.

Friday, April 14, 2017

How come Jesus illustrations always make him look like the guy who rotates your tires at Pep Boys?

Good morning, boys and girls. With our Liar-in-Chief dropping the Mother of All Bombs in Afghanistan — what the fuck?! — and threatening a nuclear attack on North Korea, I’ve decided to spend a great deal of time today watching William Powell as The Thin Man and creating a pile of adorable greeting cards for The Howdygram Store. Reality is just a little “too real” right now and it’s scaring the shit out of me.  Please raise your hand if you think Twitter should shut down this asshole’s account!

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

I’ve got the best husband on earth.

I forgot to use an important graphic in yesterday’s Howdygram post so I thought I’d take care of that omission right now.

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Greetings from the land of flying ravioli.

Good morning. It’s 4:25 a.m. and I’m covered head-to-toe in Chef Boyardee mini ravioli. I didn’t do this on purpose, of course. I was trying to consume a ridiculously late dinner that I had to skip eight hours ago due to getting food stuck in my throat, but this time the problem was SEVERE TREMORS in my hands, wrists and fingers. I was eating, carefully, and trying to hold onto that cute Chef Boyardee microwaveable cup when my wrist jerked. Everything landed in the lap of my nightgown except for two ravioli and a shpritz of meat sauce, which sailed onto the memory foam floor mat under my desk.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Sam, David and Aunt Adie demonstrate the world-famous “Sam wave.”

I am fucking miserable right now. FUCKING MISERABLE. Frankly, this might be the worst day I’ve ever had for pain in the history of America. And here’s my official and completely scientific Shit-O-Meter readout to prove it.

Monday, March 27, 2017

I’m probably the only person in history who gets blisters on the bottom of her feet from sleeping.

Good morning from north Texas, y’all, where we’re expecting a high today of 86° with a shitload of sunshine. This would be acceptable summer weather anywhere in the world, but here in Texas it’s still very early spring, so I’d be willing to bet we’re our way to record-breaking heat this year. Not necessarily hotter than usual ... but a lot more 100°+ days.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

I don’t know any of the neighbors well enough to request a foot examination.

A new day, a new crisis. Remember when I mentioned “intense heel pain” in the opening paragraph of yesterday’s Howdygram post? I assumed it was diabetic peripheral neuropathy, but it wasn’t. I’VE GOT A BLEEDING BLISTER! Bleeding! I discovered it about an hour ago in the study when I kicked off my slippers and the fabric was covered in blood. HOLY MOTHER OF CRAP. I can’t examine the wound for myself due to zero flexibility, and I don’t know any of the neighbors well enough to request a foot examination while Sam is in California cavorting with his BFF.

Friday, March 24, 2017

I can’t be funny when I feel like shit.

I’ve got a yooge revelation for you, boys and girls: I CAN’T BE FUNNY WHEN I FEEL LIKE SHIT. For the last seven days the skin on the back of my thighs felt like it was burned with a blow torch, and whenever this happens — more often than I care to admit — absolutely NOTHING makes me comfortable. Not even White Castle cheeseburgers or a few extra doses of Norco. The cause of all this is DIABETIC PERIPHERAL NEUROPATHY, the same crap that: 1) makes my toes scream; 2) shoots intense pain through my left heel and “electric shocks” down the outside of my thighs; and 3) turns my hands and fingers numb. I’m presently experiencing all of the above.

Friday, March 17, 2017

Don’t eat Wal-Mart pizza and look out for fleas. Thank you.

Hi-de-ho, everybody, and welcome to the Howdygram! I have some REALLY YUGE NEWS this morning, so pop open a nice can of Diet Sunkist and let’s get started, okay?

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Holy moly. I just had a brainstorm!

Happy Thursday morning, people. It’s 6 a.m. and I haven’t been to bed yet. This really isn’t as wretched as it sounds, however, because I enjoy being up all night to horse around at the computer designing things. This time it was more greeting cards, a couple of mugs and fresh category graphics for The Howdygram Store. I also spent quite a few hours organizing a treasure of new high-resolution digital backgrounds and textures that I bought from a designers’ website called Design Cuts ... it’s a gigantic bundle of 2,400 images (53 separate collections) for only $26. (Priced separately they would total more than $2,000.) Holy crap! THIS IS DELICIOUS!

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

I’ve been dicking around with the Howdygram again.

It’s 4:15 Wednesday morning here at Howdygram headquarters and I haven’t been to bed yet, although for four solid hours (from 10:30 last night till 2:30 a.m.) I was sprawled out on the chaise in the family room watching and sleeping through a couple of my favorite movies, namely The Rains Came (1939) starring George Brent, Tyrone Power and Myrna Loy, and The Seven Year Itch (1955) starring Tom Ewell and Marilyn Monroe.

Saturday, March 11, 2017

I’ll gladly provide more information on a need-to-know basis.

Yo from Howdygram headquarters! It’s a spectacular and balmy springtime afternoon that’s bursting with sunshine ... and once again I’m at my desk in the study with a bowl of Campbell’s chicken noodle soup that definitely isn’t hot enough, but what the hell. Also some saltine crackers.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

One of my favorite human beings has died.

Holy crap, I really didn’t mean to do this again. It’s been FIVE WHOLE DAYS since my last post! I haven’t been sick, thank God, just all wrapped up in my other favorite addiction ... namely, creating new greeting cards for The Howdygram Store. Here are three of my latest designs for your possible interest. There are 14 new cards in all and I’m still uploading the artwork, writing descriptions, choosing keywords and so on. This is a tedious — but seriously BIG FUN — process.

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Guess who signed on for season 24 of ABC’s “Dancing with the Losers.”

I promised a medical update when my lab results were ready, remember? In a word, they turned out REALLY SWELL (okay, two words) and I’d like to share the highlights with you and yours before I forget.