Saturday, July 14, 2018

Introducing the world’s first Live Blog Opioid Festival.

Happy Saturday morning to you and yours! I have absolutely zero plans for today, and that’s a good thing because I’m virtually immobile and there’s nowhere I really want to go, anyway. Being home is fine with me. I’ve got Sam, plenty of Popsicles, all kinds of assorted canned goods in the pantry, a million reruns of “The Andy Griffith Show” on Netflix and lots of great movies stored on my DISH Network DVR. And after the hospice pharmacy delivers my liquid Morphine today, I’ll have everything in the world! Woo-hoo!

Friday, July 13, 2018

I ordered Campbell’s Brown Gravy with Legitimate Onions and two jars of Manischewitz Borscht with Diced Beets.

And so I show up on this hot, sticky Friday morning to discover that I’m not connected to the Internet ... with no incoming emails and no access to the Howdygram. Fortunately I can still compose today’s post with my MacBook’s Text Edit software, so all this free time won’t be a total loss. I can’t do much about the graphics, though, or those nice bright red subhead titles or the attractive horizontal rules that I always insert between sections. As soon as my connection comes back I’ll do a speedy copy-and-paste hoo-hah and get on with my life.

Thursday, July 12, 2018

We had a seven-hour thunderstorm today. When the power went out my oxygen generator had a brain hemorrhage.

Hi-de-ho, everybody! It’s the crack of 9:30, and I woke up half an hour ago to discover that I never took Wednesday’s bedtime meds — including pills AND insulin — because I apparently conked out last night after I ate my Popsicles. Therefore I injected last night’s bedtime insulin (Lantus Solostar) and took most of my bedtime pills a few minutes ago … at least, the ones that won’t be duplicated when I take my Thursday morning meds. This is both irritating and depressing, however, because it’s not a unique situation. I’VE DONE THIS TWICE SINCE MONDAY … and now Sam and I have to figure out how to prevent it from happening again. I guess just kissing me goodnight isn’t enough any more. Now he has to sit down on the bench next to me … and watch me swallow my pills and inject  my insulin!

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

Ever notice how just about all the citizens of Mayberry are single women except for Barney and Andy?

Welcome to the crack of dawn at Howdygram headquarters! It’s 2:03 a.m. and I’m not sleepy following three short but very effective naps, the last of which ended at 11:50 p.m. last night. So let’s just say I’m not tired any more and we’ll let it go at that, okay? I’m comfortably positioned on my chaise in the family room with a convenient glass of Golden Peach soda on ice. If I need anything I can always wait an hour or two until Sam wakes up … usually around 3:30 a.m. Yes, we keep insane hours around here.

Tuesday, July 10, 2018

Welcome to the home of the Ear Wound, the Big Red Nose Bruise and the Screaming Baby Toe.

I am completely upside-down ever since I pulled that screwy all-nighter the day before yesterday. It’s not that I’m turning into a graveyard-shifter or anything, but I find myself conking out for hours on end and I’m never awake long enough to start — or finish — a Howdygram post. I apologize for that. I tried to write a post last night but never got past the lede paragraph. (And it was a good one, too. I might use it again sometime.) Incidentally, Sam is in the same predicament … so at least we’re doing this together!

Monday, July 9, 2018

Do you think you’d remember if you received the same birthday card from me two years in a row?

I’m not sure how to begin this post because I’ve never been this unconscious before. I first opened my eyes today at 9 a.m., put on my glasses, took my morning drugs and fell back asleep … and I remained comfortably asleep until 6:45 p.m. Eighteen consecutive hours of glorious sleep, and that’s NOT a typo, people! I woke up today at 6:45 p.m.

Saturday, July 7, 2018

It was an eventful Saturday full of new pains, new injuries and some cool movies on Cinemax.

Howdy-do and shalom, everybody! It’s a nice, quiet Saturday morning here. I’m chillin’ on the chaise in the family room while Sam’s on his way to Costco for a trunkload of our favorite edible merchandise (chicken salad, teeny tacos, guacamole and so on) plus a quick stop at the store’s food court on the way out so we can decide what’s for lunch today. I learned a couple of days ago that Costco has been featuring grilled Italian sausage sandwiches — Chicago-style, with soggy green peppers and onions! — at their stores all over the United States, so I asked Sam to find out if ours has them, too. (Plan B would be a Kosher hot dog with onions. Costco always has hot dogs.) Stay tuned. This could be HUGE.

Thursday, July 5, 2018

My favorite cereal is Special K with petrified strawberries and almond milk.

Know what happens every year after the Fourth of July? THE FIFTH OF JULY! Woo-hoo!

Wednesday, July 4, 2018

The Howdygram keeps me sane, focused, authentic and entertaining (I hope).

Whoa … where the hell did 2018 go? We’re already into the second half of the year — it’s the Fourth of July, for God’s sake — and before you can blink your pruny little eyelids I’ll be writing posts about wonderful ideas for Hanukkah presents and where to buy them. (Hint: How come you’re not shopping at The Howdygram Store?) In the meantime ... happy Fourth from Sam and me, and I sure wouldn’t mind a couple of grilled hot dogs if you’ve got any extras. Also cole slaw. (Actually, I’d rather just have the cole slaw. Nix the hot dogs.)

Tuesday, July 3, 2018

The Fourth of July should only be celebrated on the weekend when people have time.

Hey, boys and girls … I’ve had a busy day! It’s only 2 p.m., and so far I ... 1) woke up at 7:45 a.m. while Sam was still out enjoying his daily walk; 2) consumed my last antibiotic tablet chopped-up in a mound of Cool Whip; 3) took my regular breakfast-time drugs, including extended release Morphine and good ol’ ordinary Norco; 4) printed a Wal-Mart grocery list for Sam, who went to the store as soon as he got home from his walk; and 5) fell back asleep immediately after typing item #4. Holy crap.

Monday, July 2, 2018

Ensure is a liquid meal replacement for senior citizens with shitty appetites. (Like me.)

Another hot, sticky summer day in Texas … at 9:45 in the morning it’s already 89° outside, and the temperature is expected to reach 103°. As I write this post I’m waiting for a hospice C.N.A. to show up for my first bathing and powdering hoo-hah of the week. She’s running late today and can’t get here until noon, but I don’t mind because there’s nothing else to do, anyway.)

Sunday, July 1, 2018

Louie Gohmert (R-TX) is a moron, a pussy and a coward. Forgive me if I sound mean, but I will elucidate.

SATURDAY, 11:45 P.M., 6/30/2018. Hi-de-ho, everybody … it’s a hot and sticky Saturday night, and Sam and I are enjoying one of our favorite go-to action movies, The Taking of Pelham One Two Three, the original from 1974 starring Walter Matthau and Robert Shaw. We always love this movie. ALWAYS! Sam is curled up on the sofa and I’m on the chaise with a Popsicle. For the record, I’m seriously under the weather tonight. I haven’t had a repeat of that problem from yesterday when I couldn’t swallow any food, thank God, but my issues tonight are actually just as bad.

Saturday, June 30, 2018

Nobody needs to stand around in triple-digit heat listening to a crowd of Southern Baptist pastors.

It’s 9:42 a.m., Saturday, June 30, and Sam should almost be downtown by now for the Families Belong Together rally. Sam and I aren’t the children of immigrants — but our parents were — and I can’t imagine what life would have been like for our families if America hadn’t opened her arms at the beginning of the 20th century. My father’s parents came from Russia, and mom’s came from Hungary and Romania … all of them were Jews escaping persecution and fleeing to the only country on earth that would welcome them. And nothing has changed in 2018. Refugees still come to America hoping to escape persecution, get an education and build a successful life, except now that door has been slammed shut in their faces by the swollen orange baboon in the White House. I’m proud that Sam is making his voice heard today.

Friday, June 29, 2018

As much as I enjoy “bath time,” Sam and I are putting my hospice through the wringer right now.

It’s Friday morning, 9:15 a.m., and it’s Sam’s birthday! To celebrate, he’s in the study making phone calls (we’re attempting to change electric providers) and I’m on the chaise lounge in the family room eating a couple of Popsicles and watching Funny Girl (1965) starring Barbra Streisand. I’m also waiting for my hospice C.N.A. to come over at 10 for my final professional bath of the week. She does a very good job — every Monday, Wednesday and Friday — and I look very clean and shiny afterwards except for the spots that she dusts with Nystatin powder. She also covers my shins and feet with AmLactin cream because otherwise I’ll look like an alligator.

Thursday, June 28, 2018

Please forget about the Alamo for a while because nobody needs to do any stupid sightseeing in triple-digit heat.

I regret to announce that yours truly is severely under the weather right now, although the story actually began last night. Around midnight I didn’t feel well, I was shivering, and Sam took my temperature. It was extremely low (94°) … and that’s typically a precursor to a high fever within a couple of hours. In the past I’d usually wind up unresponsive in an ambulance on my way to the closest emergency room, but last night the high fever never materialized. I got lucky. I took Tylenol, 20mg of Norco, bundled myself up on the chaise lounge and Sam turned up my oxygen generator to the highest setting.

Wednesday, June 27, 2018

I wonder if they’ll ever find a starving family in Dallas that wants half-gallon jars of hot Chicago-style giardiniera.

Shalom and howdy! I woke up exceptionally early today (before 7 a.m.) following a shitty, shitty night with a migraine and nausea that started around 1:30 in the morning. Sam sat up with me in the family room because somebody had to listen to me moan and hold the bowl, right? (I think he eventually just fell asleep on the sofa.)

Tuesday, June 26, 2018

If you dislike descriptive prose about bowel movements, please feel free to skip the following paragraph.

I’ve had quite a day so far, dear readers. It’s currently 2:25 p.m., Sam is conked out on the sofa and I’m watching the original Ghostbusters (1984) starring Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd and Sigourney Weaver. (It’s almost over. The Stay-Puft marshmallow man just blew up.) We’re enjoying a one-month free trial from Netflix. Yee-haw.

Incidentally, if you dislike descriptive prose about bowel movements please feel free to skip the following paragraph.

Monday, June 25, 2018

Sam is my full-time caregiver, and he deserves as many Dairy Queen blizzards as he can get.

Woo-hoo … Sam and I are trying SOMETHING NEW today! Instead of waiting until late afternoon (around 5 p.m.) for me to get up off the chaise and use my computer, I’m giving it a shot around 10 a.m. instead … which is the time I used to migrate into the study in years past. It was Sam who suggested this, actually, because he has more energy in the morning to shlep things around in the family room, crawl on the floor to relocate my catheter bag and scoot under the desk to plug in my computer and lamp. It’s definitely a lot of work. He’s my full-time caregiver and he deserves as many breaks — and Dairy Queen blizzards! — as he can get.

Sunday, June 24, 2018

We have remotes for all the lamps in the family room. I don’t have to move a muscle to turn them on or off.

It’s Sunday, 1:45 a.m., I’m wide awake and Sam is in bed. To tell you the truth, though, I’d conk out in a flash if I powered down my MacBook and turned out the lights in the family room. I’m awake but I’m definitely sleepy, and I just ate the last two Popsicles. Sam promised to buy more at Wal-Mart this morning.

Saturday, June 23, 2018

Vienna Sausages with a squirt of Grey Poupon mustard. This is an excellent lunch for me.

Top o’ the mornin’, everybody, and a happy Saturday to you and yours! It’s 4 a.m. and I’ve been wide awake for almost an hour already. Except all of a sudden I’m feeling frustrated and tongue-tied because I don’t know what the fuck to write about my black insulin bag, and I can’t believe it’s taking such a ridiculous number of words to explain this. Jesus.