Saturday, July 22, 2017

Chives! Sour cream! Bacon bits! Butter!

My sleep pattern is a fucking MESS. It’s almost 5 p.m. and I’m EXHAUSTED, but that’s because I only had slightly more than four hours of sleep yesterday and woke up at noon. I know I shouldn’t whine about this due to being retired and I can grab more sleep any time I want, but Sam and I are on completely different schedules right now like ships passing in the night. I also have some significant PAIN ISSUES to complain about today. Specifically, my tailbone aches, I’ve got burning skin on the inside of my left thigh and I’m having insane electric shock spasms in my toes and heels due to diabetic neuropathy. Also in my thighs. This is extremely horrible. And then I hear the news that serial felon O. J. Simpson convinced a parole board to release him from prison — FOR FUCK’S SAKE … WHY!? — and Senator John McCain has brain cancer.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

The Howdygram bids farewell to Martin Landau.

Shalom and howdy, everybody! It’s 5 o’clock Tuesday morning and I just finished prepping for this Howdygram post. This includes: 1) Googling images for today’s feature about Princess Anne; 2) organizing, cropping and framing the images mentioned in item one; 3) installing today’s free fonts on my iMac; 4) designing today’s free fonts sample list, especially “Diamond Monogram”; and 5) choosing and sizing today’s free digital background images, clipart and assorted doodads from Creative Market.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

At last … I’m getting a visiting foot doctor!

Howdy-do, people! We had a pleasant summery Saturday here at Howdygram headquarters yesterday, featuring surprise thunderstorms, unexpected cactus pears, a copious amount of pishing, an extremely nice lunch (details to follow), and — best of all — I’M GETTING A VISITING FOOT DOCTOR!

On Saturday afternoon I got a call from a home health agency that’s been asked to set up an appointment for me with a traveling foot doctor because I haven’t been able to visit a podiatrist’s office for routine care in more than three years.* I’m diabetic with severe peripheral neuropathy, and these diseases are nothing at which to sneeze, believe me! Please stay tuned for additional information but don’t hesitate to resume your normal routine in the meantime.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

I missed National French Fry Day. Don’t be mad at me.

Hi, people! Happy sweaty Thursday from the crew at Howdygram Tower in north Texas!

IN OTHER WORDS . . . And now I’d like to unravel a couple of possibly misleading statements from my lede. First, there’s no “crew” because I blog alone. (Practically everybody blogs alone, guys.) Second, there’s no “tower,” either … just a nice desk in a nice room in a nice house (kindly check out the photo that appears in the right sidebar). I also have a lot of nice desk doodads, including many pens and a pencil, a pencil cup, a fancy tape dispenser that holds two different kinds of tape in two different sizes, a brand-name stapler, a desk lamp with six lighting modes and a dimmer switch, a lot of small (8½" x 5½") lined tablets, a classy black genuine leather Kleenex box cover, sugar-free Hawaiian Punch singles-to-go, bottled water, my own personal microwave and a teeny fridge. Thank you.

Monday, July 10, 2017

A few more free fonts and a quick summary of Donald Trump at the G20 summit. With pictures!

Shalom and happy Monday morning from my house to yours! This may or may not be a very long Howdygram post, mostly because I haven’t decided what time I want to go to bed. It’s 2:35 a.m. right now, and I’m confused. Also thirsty.

Saturday, July 8, 2017

July is Ronald Colman Month on Turner Classic Movies. Woo-hoo!

Yo, shalom, and howdy-do from hot and sweaty north Texas! It’s 80° at 8 a.m. with an expected high of 95° by mid-afternoon and humidity in the range of 60%. The air will feel like a SWAMP. I can’t recall what this intense heat feels like nor do I want to open the front door to experience this shit for myself, as I’m perfectly content at my desk in an air-conditioned house, without shoes or a brassiere, drinking Crystal Light Peach-Mango tea. I FUCKING LOVE RETIREMENT.

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Senior citizens try to get a grip on the twenty-first century.

My project du jour, which I just finished, involved choosing and organizing cards for my 2018 birthday card list. I design my own greeting cards and order them from my store on Zazzle, mailing about 45 altogether throughout the year to relatives and friends. They’re fucking adorable even if I say so myself, and I’ve got some of the funniest cards on the Internet. I sell a lot of them. Of course I’d be even happier if YOU bought a few, but what the hell … do whatever you want, okay? Some of my designs appear below for your possible interest.

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Wishing y’all a happy Fourth!

Before I launch into one of my Howdygram rants about old age, a serious shortage of sugar-free cookies, U.S. politics or morons in the news — the latter two typically being the same fucking thing — I want to wish each and every one of you a safe and happy Independence Day with tons of hot dogs, potato salad and Popsicles. Yes, it’s always about the food! And if any of you are enjoying a big hoo-hah holiday fireworks display please email a few photos to me and I’ll post them in the Howdygram. Thank you.

Sunday, July 2, 2017

“At some point in the future we’re going to look back and say, how did we do it without space?”

Here’s wishing y’all a very happy Second of July, a day with no significance whatsoever unless you’re the poor slob who has to spend two hours in line at Wal-Mart buying hot dogs for the Fourth. As for Sam and me, we’ll just hang out at Howdygram headquarters with some fabulous old movies, Crystal Light peach/mango iced tea and my favorite guilty pleasure for lunch: Mountain House freeze-dried Spaghetti with Meat Sauce [read my review*] for housebound senior citizens who can’t stand up any more to cook things. Sure looks tasty, doesn’t it?

Thursday, June 29, 2017

I swear to God, Rick Perry is on drugs.

I want to start this post with a very special message for my husband, life partner and soul mate ...

Monday, June 26, 2017

Creative Cloud technology can get a little overwhelming for an old coot like yours truly.

It’s exactly 9 p.m. on a clammy Monday night here in Texas. Sam is unconscious in the family room with a John Wayne movie and I’ve decided to hang back in the study binge-reading a full day of aggravating news stories, 32 stupid emails — wow! incontinence supplies are on sale again at Allegro Medical! — and the Howdygram.

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Let’s watch an out-of-shape, spray-tanned orangutan try to play tennis.

Good morning, boys and girls! It’s just after 4 a.m. and I thought I’d get an early start on today’s post while another round of thunderstorms rolls through here. We’re not expecting any hail or tornadoes ... just lots of thunder, lightning, wind and VERY HEAVY RAIN, the latter of which we need desperately. Sam was out in the garage for a couple of hours with the overhead door open enjoying our big weather hoo-hah with a can of diet ginger ale but finally went to bed about 30 minutes ago. In case you’re interested, the white star on the following map denotes Howdygram headquarters. (You can’t see me waving because it’s extremely dark outside.)

Friday, June 23, 2017

I started taking Lasix again this morning. It’s a nuclear-powered diuretic.

Yo, guys! I honestly meant to write a Howdygram post for the last two days but got caught up with other activities … including all of the following.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Pay no attention to the blogger behind the curtain.

Seriously … remember the bombshell announcement in my last post about the demise of, the best free fonts website on earth that gave away other people’s valuable and expensive creative property? Well lo and behold, wow, forsooth and holy shit ... THEIR WEBSITE CAME BACK ONLINE TODAY and it was packed with so many new free fonts I almost had a brain hemorrhage! Therefore I’ll begin this post with my favorite section.

Friday, June 16, 2017

My favorite free fonts website is gone.

Hello and hi-de-ho from my house to yours! It’s 7:45 p.m. on a muggy Thursday night in Texas, Sam is attending the second (and final) session of a pleasant retirement planning seminar — he actually knows enough about investing to teach a course like this! — and I’m at home enjoying a bag of Mountain House freeze-dried Spaghetti with Meat Sauce for senior citizens who can’t stand up any more to cook things. When I finish my sack of spaghetti I’ll probably get back to my other passion … designing mugs, greeting cards, iPhone cases and miscellaneous whatnots for my own shop on Zazzle. By the way, if you’ve never visited The Howdygram Store you’re missing a terrific shopping experience. Thank you.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

I decided not to celebrate Catheterization Day.

Yesterday was a busy and unforgettable day at Howdygram headquarters. For your possible interest I participated in all of the following hoo-hahs.

Monday, June 12, 2017

I just discovered Instacart grocery service and can’t wait to give it a shot.

Happy Monday morning, boys and girls! It’s 2:25 a.m., Sam is in bed and I think I’m bored. I’m completely fed up with the news — hasn’t anybody impeached that fucker yet?! — and not sleepy enough to go to bed because I conked out in the family room after dinner and woke up about an hour ago. Oy. I’m upside-down again! Right now I’m parked in the study with a fistful of pills, my bedtime insulin injection and a bag of Mountain House’s brand new Homestyle Chicken Noodle Casserole, which I’ll review for you below.

Saturday, June 10, 2017

I haven’t worn a brassiere since 2012, but this is basically a secret so please don’t tell anybody.

It’s been a dismal, dark and thunderstormy day ever since we woke up this morning. As a matter of fact, by 6 a.m. Sam was already seated comfortably in the garage with a full pot of coffee and the overhead door open so he could watch a line of storms roll in from the northwest. Now that Sam’s retired it’s particularly rewarding when the neighbors start leaving for work because we don’t have to. We don’t even have to get dressed! As for me, I haven’t worn a brassiere since 2012, but this is basically a secret so please don’t tell anybody.

Friday, June 9, 2017

Fire up the DVR! There are lots of terrific movies on TCM this month.

As I write this post Sam and I are riveted by James Comey’s testimony before Congress via live streaming video on This is GREAT STUFF, people, and if you’re not watching, you should be. This is just as good as the Watergate hearings from the early 1970s and probably even more significant. Be an involved American today and tune in, okay?

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Let’s hope a new national hero will emerge in 2017 to bring down the Trumps.

Shalom and hi-de-ho to you and yours! It’s a few minutes past 3 a.m. and I’m wide awake due to a full day of extended and consecutive naps on Monday. I wasn’t being a slug, per se … I was just doing my best to deal with some fucked-up pain issues (an official Shit-O-Meter readout appears below) and there’s only one way to do that: RECLINING ... with good drugs, Tic Tacs and Myrna Loy movies.