Sunday, August 20, 2017

I honestly didn’t know we had Confederate statues in Dallas.

Today’s Kvetch Report includes a list of physical complaints that I might not have mentioned before. To tell you the truth, this shit is getting weirder, more frequent and sometimes scarier than before. Here we go: 1) painful “charlie horse” muscle spasms in both hands and all ten fingers; 2) skin irritation on the back of both thighs requiring shmears of Balmex cream several times a day; 3) wheezy lungs after a nap; 4) severe muscle tremors in my extremities, tongue, lips and (no kidding) eyebrows; 5) diminished appetitite; 6) stuttering and difficulty speaking normal sentences; and 7) a craving for chopped liver.

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Know what’s scary? Wheezy lungs at midnight!

Whoa. I’m feeling COMPLETELY ZONED OUT this morning! I took my regular meds with 20 mg of Norco (as usual) and all of a sudden my head is spinning out of control. My complaints this morning? I’m STUTTERING, I can’t speak a simple sentence, my enunciation is off-the-charts weird, my tremors (a side effect of Gabapentin) have magnified tenfold and my entire body feels jittery. Oy, this is SO FUCKING WEIRD!

Thursday, August 17, 2017

Boy howdy! This year the Texas State Fair runs from September 29 through October 22.

Please don’t ask me to write about politics. I just can’t. And this includes anything with even a hint of Donald Trump or that fucking disgrace that just happened in Charlottesville. I will instead post: 1) my latest herd of new free fonts; and 2) tell you about this year’s competition for the 2017 Big Tex Choice Awards, featuring the latest deep-fried monstrosities at the Texas State Fair food court. I’ll start with the second topic first, okay?

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

I’m a huge fan of the Bolshevik revolution.

Howdy-do. It’s 2:45 Wednesday morning, Sam is in bed and I’ve decided to kill a couple of hours writing a post for the Howdygram, slugging Crystal Light raspberry green tea on ice and designing mugs for my store on Zazzle.com. Also a custom blanket for my best friend’s daughter’s baby shower next month in Chicago. (No, obviously I can’t go. Stop getting so hysterical.) Yesterday I spent most of the day designing greeting cards. It’s a full life, isn’t it?

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Something is amiss here. Sam is sleeping through a monster thunderstorm!

It’s a few minutes past 2 a.m. here, Sam is in bed and I’m SERIOUSLY UNWELL again! There’s no real pain, per se, but my overall complaints include: 1) chills; 2) body aches; 3) uncontrollable pishing every 45 minutes that even wakes me from a sound sleep; 4) migraine headaches due to complaint number three; 5) serious intestinal distress; and 6) a wet rash on several areas of my body that are none of your damn business. Therefore I just took my bedtime meds with 70 units of injected insulin, a pair of Imodium tablets, a juicy dose of Norco — doing my best to prolong the opioid epidemic! — and then poofed myself with Nystatin powder to kill that fucking rash already. Thank you for listening.

Friday, August 11, 2017

I love my life … with the exception of my left foot.

Hi-de-ho and happy Friday from Howdygram headquarters. However, I hope you don’t think that “headquarters” means we’ve got a bustling newsroom here ... because we don’t. We’ve just got one housebound senior citizen in a bathrobe — yours truly — eating leftover egg salad at 1:45 in the morning.

Friday, August 4, 2017

Costco is excellent about returns and refunds.

I know you’ll forgive me for not posting since last Saturday, especially after I list the reasons why. And here we go!

Saturday, July 29, 2017

The only time I’m really pain-free is on the chaise in the family room.

Happy Saturday morning to you and yours. It’s 7:30 a.m., and I’m slowly “coming back” from several very, very weird days on the chaise in the family room because I was in too goddamn much pain to sit or walk. I can’t believe how I’m deteriorating. Since my last post I’ve been dealing with the following issues: 1) severe pain in my left heel from diabetic neuropathy (30%) and twin bleeding blisters (70%); 2) knee pain; 3) burning skin on the back of my left thigh; 4) a urinary tract infection with a low-grade fever; 5) a hyperactive bladder that exploded every 60 minutes, 24 hours a day for three straight days; 6) migraine headaches after waking up to pish out of a sound sleep due to item #5; and 7) a hangnail. I’m sick of this shit. I’m exhausted, my sense of humor is in shreds and I have a craving for spaghetti and meatballs. No kidding.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Anybody know how to make flaming Baked Alaska?

Yo, people! This is the first time since Saturday that I’ve been steady enough to sit at my desk in the study for a couple of hours and type my freakin’ brains out. I’ve been dealing with all of the following health issues: 1) diabetic NEUROPATHY PAIN in my left foot that included my baby toe, arch and heel, plus electric shocks from the top of my foot that radiated into my ankle and shin; 2) a huge BLEEDING BLISTER on the heel of that same foot; 3) severe JOINT PAIN in my knees and elbows; 4) inexplicable major PISHING ACCIDENTS even though I’ve got two bathrooms and two portable commodes for convenient urination; and 5) MIGRAINE HEADACHES due to waking up out of a sound sleep four times in six hours with an exploding bladder. Oy!

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Chives! Sour cream! Bacon bits! Butter!

My sleep pattern is a fucking MESS. It’s almost 5 p.m. and I’m EXHAUSTED, but that’s because I only had slightly more than four hours of sleep yesterday and woke up at noon. I know I shouldn’t whine about this due to being retired and I can grab more sleep any time I want, but Sam and I are on completely different schedules right now like ships passing in the night. I also have some significant PAIN ISSUES to complain about today. Specifically, my tailbone aches, I’ve got burning skin on the inside of my left thigh and I’m having insane electric shock spasms in my toes and heels due to diabetic neuropathy. Also in my thighs. This is extremely horrible. And then I hear the news that serial felon O. J. Simpson convinced a parole board to release him from prison — FOR FUCK’S SAKE … WHY!? — and Senator John McCain has brain cancer.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

The Howdygram bids farewell to Martin Landau.

Shalom and howdy, everybody! It’s 5 o’clock Tuesday morning and I just finished prepping for this Howdygram post. This includes: 1) Googling images for today’s feature about Princess Anne; 2) organizing, cropping and framing the images mentioned in item one; 3) installing today’s free fonts on my iMac; 4) designing today’s free fonts sample list, especially “Diamond Monogram”; and 5) choosing and sizing today’s free digital background images, clipart and assorted doodads from Creative Market.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

At last … I’m getting a visiting foot doctor!

Howdy-do, people! We had a pleasant summery Saturday here at Howdygram headquarters yesterday, featuring surprise thunderstorms, unexpected cactus pears, a copious amount of pishing, an extremely nice lunch (details to follow), and — best of all — I’M GETTING A VISITING FOOT DOCTOR!

On Saturday afternoon I got a call from a home health agency that’s been asked to set up an appointment for me with a traveling foot doctor because I haven’t been able to visit a podiatrist’s office for routine care in more than three years.* I’m diabetic with severe peripheral neuropathy, and these diseases are nothing at which to sneeze, believe me! Please stay tuned for additional information but don’t hesitate to resume your normal routine in the meantime.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

I missed National French Fry Day. Don’t be mad at me.

Hi, people! Happy sweaty Thursday from the crew at Howdygram Tower in north Texas!

IN OTHER WORDS . . . And now I’d like to unravel a couple of possibly misleading statements from my lede. First, there’s no “crew” because I blog alone. (Practically everybody blogs alone, guys.) Second, there’s no “tower,” either … just a nice desk in a nice room in a nice house (kindly check out the photo that appears in the right sidebar). I also have a lot of nice desk doodads, including many pens and a pencil, a pencil cup, a fancy tape dispenser that holds two different kinds of tape in two different sizes, a brand-name stapler, a desk lamp with six lighting modes and a dimmer switch, a lot of small (8½" x 5½") lined tablets, a classy black genuine leather Kleenex box cover, sugar-free Hawaiian Punch singles-to-go, bottled water, my own personal microwave and a teeny fridge. Thank you.

Monday, July 10, 2017

A few more free fonts and a quick summary of Donald Trump at the G20 summit. With pictures!

Shalom and happy Monday morning from my house to yours! This may or may not be a very long Howdygram post, mostly because I haven’t decided what time I want to go to bed. It’s 2:35 a.m. right now, and I’m confused. Also thirsty.

Saturday, July 8, 2017

July is Ronald Colman Month on Turner Classic Movies. Woo-hoo!

Yo, shalom, and howdy-do from hot and sweaty north Texas! It’s 80° at 8 a.m. with an expected high of 95° by mid-afternoon and humidity in the range of 60%. The air will feel like a SWAMP. I can’t recall what this intense heat feels like nor do I want to open the front door to experience this shit for myself, as I’m perfectly content at my desk in an air-conditioned house, without shoes or a brassiere, drinking Crystal Light Peach-Mango tea. I FUCKING LOVE RETIREMENT.

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Senior citizens try to get a grip on the twenty-first century.

My project du jour, which I just finished, involved choosing and organizing cards for my 2018 birthday card list. I design my own greeting cards and order them from my store on Zazzle, mailing about 45 altogether throughout the year to relatives and friends. They’re fucking adorable even if I say so myself, and I’ve got some of the funniest cards on the Internet. I sell a lot of them. Of course I’d be even happier if YOU bought a few, but what the hell … do whatever you want, okay? Some of my designs appear below for your possible interest.

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Wishing y’all a happy Fourth!

Before I launch into one of my Howdygram rants about old age, a serious shortage of sugar-free cookies, U.S. politics or morons in the news — the latter two typically being the same fucking thing — I want to wish each and every one of you a safe and happy Independence Day with tons of hot dogs, potato salad and Popsicles. Yes, it’s always about the food! And if any of you are enjoying a big hoo-hah holiday fireworks display please email a few photos to me and I’ll post them in the Howdygram. Thank you.

Sunday, July 2, 2017

“At some point in the future we’re going to look back and say, how did we do it without space?”

Here’s wishing y’all a very happy Second of July, a day with no significance whatsoever unless you’re the poor slob who has to spend two hours in line at Wal-Mart buying hot dogs for the Fourth. As for Sam and me, we’ll just hang out at Howdygram headquarters with some fabulous old movies, Crystal Light peach/mango iced tea and my favorite guilty pleasure for lunch: Mountain House freeze-dried Spaghetti with Meat Sauce [read my review*] for housebound senior citizens who can’t stand up any more to cook things. Sure looks tasty, doesn’t it?

Thursday, June 29, 2017

I swear to God, Rick Perry is on drugs.

I want to start this post with a very special message for my husband, life partner and soul mate ...

Monday, June 26, 2017

Creative Cloud technology can get a little overwhelming for an old coot like yours truly.

It’s exactly 9 p.m. on a clammy Monday night here in Texas. Sam is unconscious in the family room with a John Wayne movie and I’ve decided to hang back in the study binge-reading a full day of aggravating news stories, 32 stupid emails — wow! incontinence supplies are on sale again at Allegro Medical! — and the Howdygram.