I won’t live until the end of 2020. It just isn’t possible.

Good afternoon, boys and girls … and happy New Year’s Eve! It’s 6:30 p.m., I’m watching the Thin Man movie marathon on TCM and Sam is asleep on the sofa. I’ll try to be brief about my health complaints today. They include: 1) my knees are killing me and I’m stiff as a board; 2) my taste buds are completely destroyed, which means everything tastes like wallpaper paste; and 3) I can’t think of anything else right now so I’ll just post the following graphic …

Ever heard of Bengay? This shit really works!

It’s ME again … your favorite useless bedridden blogger from Texas! I fell asleep this morning before sunrise, just in time for Sam to get home from Wal-Mart, where he bought me a miracle product from the pharmacy, pictured below for your possible interest. For the last couple of days the joint pain in my knees had been positively EXCRUCIATING, even when I was completely motionless in bed. Since I’m already taking the maximum dose of opioids, Sam decided to suggest Bengay cream … an idea from a short list of “last resorts,” and I agreed.

We had a neighborhood power outage late this afternoon.

Yo, and a happy Saturday night to you and yours. It’s almost 8:30 p.m., Sam is asleep on the sofa, and I thought I’d tell you about our day, which has been seriously eventful. I’ve decided to use neatly subtitled paragraphs for you. Proceed at your own risk. Thank you.

Friday has been moving along quickly due to an over-abundance of unexpected sleep.

Hope everybody is having a pleasant day-after-Christmas … because I’m NOT. (Get ready for another kill-joy Howdygram post.) It’s 10:24 p.m., Sam went to bed more than an hour ago, and I’m trying to choke down a Stouffer’s frozen dinner that includes a rubbery breaded chicken patty, tasteless mashed potatoes and beige sauce. Not good. There is NO FLAVOR WHATSOEVER — even with too much salt and pepper — but I’m positive it’s not really Stouffer’s fault. I have to blame this on my shitty dead taste buds. (I’ve had Stouffer’s frozen chicken dinners before and never have any complaints.)

Mazel tov to me. I’m not nauseated tonight.

The best laid plans, right?

I’m having those burning bladder spasms again, every time I pee.

Good morning. It’s Monday, 4:28 a.m., and I just finished (at last!) taking all of my bedtime medications. Sometimes I can really get off-schedule. I take a million prescriptions every day, and unless I’m completely prepared to swallow a large volume of pills I tend to put it off. (Like right now, for instance.)

I had a horribly difficult bedpan experience last night. (Don’t ask.)

So here I am, enjoying a warm glass of sugar-free fruit punch (the ice melted a long time ago but I don’t want to wake Sam to ask for more), watching a favorite movie, Fatso (1980), starring Dom DeLuise and Anne Bancroft, and quietly pondering what I eventually want for a late dinner. I’m officially hungry now. You can tell your friends if you want to.

Here’s a short list of Howdygram-approved movies coming up on TCM.

Howdy-do from Howdygram headquarters! Sam and I just finished watching one of my favorite screwball comedies from the 1930s, Merrily We Live (1938) starring Constance Bennett, Billie Burke and Brian Aherne.

I haven’t set foot in my own kitchen for more than six years.

It’s a few minutes after midnight, Monday morning, and I’m pleased to announce that I don’t have indigestion. Mazel tov! My stomach is fucked-up almost all the time these days, so reporting an absence of indigestion is an awfully big deal.

Ooh! Zazzle is having another half-price sale on greeting cards.

I woke up today at 4:30 p.m. — after an 11-hour nap! — shrieking for Sam to bring me a cane even though I haven’t been able to stand up since May 2018. That’s mighty damn weird, right?

I swear to God, even my HAIR hurts.

Lordy, lordy … it was the week from hell around here. I can’t even begin to describe it, but I’ll give it my best shot because that’s probably why you’re here, right?

Happy Friday.

Just for you …

Welcome to the vomitorium.

WEDNESDAY, 12/4/2019, 10:45 A.M. After the night from hell I didn’t know whether or not I’d be able to write a Howdygram post today. Sometime yesterday evening Sam and I realized I had a raging fever … nearly 103°. And since “normal” for me is 96°, that’s equivalent to 105°. In addition to the high fever I was plagued with that “churning stomach” issue again. I was FUCKING MISERABLE and stayed up all night moaning, hallucinating, crying and trying to figure out my next step.