Be sure to tune in to tonight’s clown car debates for comedy gold. It doesn’t get much better than this.

It’s 8 o’clock Wednesday morning. While I wait for Sam to nuke my breakfast — a juicy Schwan’s Sausage, Egg & Cheese biscuit on a paper plate — I’m parked at my desk in the study nursing on a can of Diet Sunkist while I program two weeks of fabulous movies to record on our DVR. (Programming your DVR online is one of the best features of AT&T U-Verse.) A few of my selections include ...

Gattaca (1997) starring Ethan Hawke and Uma Thurman
Good Night, and Good Luck (2005) starring David Strathairn and George Clooney
Grand Hotel (1932) starring John Barrymore, Joan Crawford and Greta Garbo  
King of the Kyber Rifles (1953) starring Tyrone Power and Michael Rennie
The Great Race (1965) starring Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon
Cool Runnings (1993) starring John Candy
It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World (1963) starring everybody
The Shocking Miss Pilgrim (1947) starring Betty Grable
The Devil-Doll (1936) starring Lionel Barrymore and Maureen O’Sullivan

Let’s Make Love (1960) starring Yves Montand and Marilyn Monroe
Suspicion (1940) starring Cary Grant and Joan Fontaine
Mark of the Vampire (1935) starring Lionel Barrymore and Elizabeth Allan
The Four Feathers (1939) starring Ralph Richardson and C. Aubrey Smith
You’re Only Young Once (1937) starring Lewis Stone and Mickey Rooney
Andy Hardy Gets Spring Fever (1938) starring Lewis Stone and Mickey Rooney
Pride and Prejudice (1940) starring Laurence Olivier and Greer Garson
Washington Melodrama (1941) starring Frank Morgan and Ann Rutherford

Let me know if any of these movies thrill you to death so we can arrange a viewing party with snacks (preferably crunchy things in bags). Just send an email. Thank you.

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In case you haven’t noticed yet, our intensely popular Hat of the Day feature has returned to the right sidebar! These are the latest headwear designs from Rita’s Couture in south Dallas, a custom clothing emporium for large and elderly African American women who love to stand out on Sundays in day-glow satin suits with ruffles, crappo jewelry and the weirdest hats you’ve ever seen in your entire life. Because Jesus loves hats!

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Sam’s laser eye surgery hoo-hah has been rescheduled to 11 o’clock this morning and I’ve been asked to administer three rounds of eye drops beginning at 10 a.m. For those of you who give a crap, the actual medical term for this procedure is a “posterior capsulotomy,” and it’s performed when the lens of the eye becomes cloudy with crud and seaweed following cataract surgery. Stay tuned for more details, okay? Sam will be home around 1 p.m. and I’ll provide a complete update at that time.

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Tonight’s the night, guys ... the third GOP clown car debate will be broadcast on CNBC (on TV and online) live from the Coors Events Center at the University of Colorado in Boulder. The focus of the tonight’s brouhaha will be the economy, jobs, and taxes. Yeah, sure. It’s just another chance to hear about Donald Trump’s “yooge” goddamn border wall.

Just like the two previous debates, the GOP field is divided into two groups based on how close they are to scraping bottom in the polls. The kids’ table comes first at 5 p.m. Central time featuring the following quartet of idiots:

On stage for the top-tier debate at 7 p.m. Central time are the ten clowns having slightly more success in the polls: Donald Trump, Ben Carson, Jeb Bush, Marco Rubio, John Kasich, Carly Fiorina, Turd Cruz, Chris Christie, Rand Paul and Mike Huckabee.

Be sure to tune in for comedy gold. It doesn’t get much better than THIS.