As we get closer to my birthday on November 1 I’m feeling compelled to publish my annual Marcy’s Birthday Wish List so you’ll know what to buy and where to send it. You’re welcome!
- A case of Nongshim Savory Lobster Bowl Noodle Soup with mighty tasty broth and genuine imitation lobster lumps.
- Two packages of Vanity Fair Impressions Dinner Napkins with ritzy embossed floral doodads on them.
- A 30-inch fake bronze wall clock from Kirkland’s to jazz up an area in the foyer.
- A Pride Maxima three-wheel power scooter for large senior citizens with a jazzy black front basket, cup holder, safety flag, rear-view mirror, cane holder and weather cover.
- One full day with no pain. Please.
- A ProBasics Invacare Bariatric Wheelchair for Big Butts with a nice wide seat and metal foot thingies. A horn and handlebar streamers are optional.
- Great Low-Carb Bread Company rye bread and little round multi-purpose hamburger buns (two packages of each). Please feel free to throw in a bag of their onion rolls if the spirit moves you and you don’t mind blowing an additional $7.95. (Stop choking. Low-carb shit can get really expensive.)
- A year’s worth of insurance co-payments to cover appointments with my kidney specialist, cardiologist and podiatrist. You can make your check payable to Marcy Marks in the amount of $210. Thank you.
- Dove solid deodorant twin-pack — powder scent ONLY — for nice fresh pits.
- Half a dozen bottles of Dial body wash, Himalayan Pink Salt & Water Lily fragrance. This smells so wonderful you could have a nervous breakdown in the shower.
- A case of Chef Boyardee mini ravioli in handy microwaveable tubs.
- Mountain House freeze-dried entrees for senior citizens in any or all of the following varieties: Noodles & Chicken, Biscuits & Gravy, Beef Stroganoff, Lasagna, Chili Mac, Breakfast Skillet, Scrambled Eggs with Ham & Peppers and Italian-Style Pepper Steak with Rice. Please buy the individual foil pouches, NOT the giant cans, because I rehydrate them at my desk in the study when Sam isn’t home to make food for me. The best prices are from Wal-Mart and Amazon.
- A supply of really big plastic spoons for stirring and eating the aforementioned Mountain House freeze-dried entrees for senior citizens.
And now ... SIGN THIS PETITION on MoveOn.org to let NBC know you do not approve of repulsive hate-monger Donald Trump as guest host of “Saturday Night Live” on November 7. Mass deportation and an electrified border wall are not comedy. Hate speech is not comedy. This racist clown is a national embarrassment and doesn’t deserve NBC’s validation and free air time for the sake of ratings. Tell NBC to DUMP TRUMP!
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