This is your last chance to send me a present for my birthday.

This is it, people ... THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TO SEND ME A PRESENT FOR MY BIRTHDAY, which is November 1. You’ve got four stinking days left to find a way to put a smile on an old lady’s face. Please review Marcy’s Birthday Wish List and send an email if you need my shipping address. Thank you in advance for your overwhelming generosity.

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Sam got off to a mighty rocky start this morning. At 8:06 a.m. he was still sound asleep and I was here in the study answering emails with an ice cold can of Diet Sunkist when I decided maybe I should glance at our calendar to verify the time of his appointment today with Sweeney Eye Associates to have his right eyeball laser-zapped [see earlier post] to get rid of floaters, driftwood, crabgrass, seaweed and general crud. Unfortunately, Sam was under the (mistaken) impression that his appointment was at 9:30 ... but he was off by a whole hour! So I shlepped myself into the bedroom to gently whisper, “Hi, sweetie. YOU HAVE TEN FUCKING MINUTES TO GET TO THE DOCTOR!” Thank God the Sweeney thing is only half a mile from Howdygram headquarters. I am holding down the fort here in the meantime.

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I don’t know what it is about this bedroom from Ballard Designs, but I absolutely LOVE it. Maybe it’s that shade of green. Or the striped sheets. Or the black chandelier that could knock you unconscious if you sit up in bed. Or the overpriced little leopard print benches for $575 each. Or that weird olive leather ottoman thing that’s sitting in the middle of nowhere. But put ’em all together and they spell GORGEOUS. I even love the retarded knick-knacks on that off-white drop-down desk. A ceramic tea kettle? Sure, why the hell not? Let’s go shopping!

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I think it’s time for an update to the second paragraph of this post concerning Sam’s eyeball and laser surgery. Sweeney Eye Associates sent him home after two hours of routine eye tests this morning and rescheduled the actual surgery for tomorrow. We have no idea why, although we suspect they had to get approval from Blue Cross before moving forward. And we found out that our out-of-pocket expense for this hoo-hah will be $750. Sam is officially freaked-out by the whole experience, and I can’t say I blame him. Plus the appointment bimbo at the front desk told him Sam can’t drive himself home after surgery tomorrow, and he pretty much told her to take a flying leap because he doesn’t have a choice. (I don’t drive any more.) The office is about 60 seconds from home. Sam should be able to handle it without a designated driver.

The following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; and B) Sweeney Eye Associates.

I have to lie down now and take a nap. Thank you for reading this.