Tuesday, July 10, 2018

Welcome to the home of the Ear Wound, the Big Red Nose Bruise and the Screaming Baby Toe.

I am completely upside-down ever since I pulled that screwy all-nighter the day before yesterday. It’s not that I’m turning into a graveyard-shifter or anything, but I find myself conking out for hours on end and I’m never awake long enough to start — or finish — a Howdygram post. I apologize for that. I tried to write a post last night but never got past the lede paragraph. (And it was a good one, too. I might use it again sometime.) Incidentally, Sam is in the same predicament … so at least we’re doing this together!

At the moment it’s 8:30 a.m., Sam is here in the family room and we’re watching THE BLOB (1958) starring Steve McQueen and Aneta Corsaut. If you’ve never seen this sci-fi masterpiece, do yourself a favor. It’s about a trouble-prone teenager named Steve (McQueen) and his girlfriend Janie (Helen Crump … you know, from “The Andy Griffith Show”) who see a shooting star that explodes somewhere in the hills outside of town. On their way to see what happened — shooting stars aren’t supposed to explode, right? — they run into an old screaming vagrant with a very large “breathing” wad of Thanksgiving gravy glued to his hand, so they drive him to the doctor’s office. BIG MISTAKE. After the gravy blob eats the old vagrant, it also eats the doctor and his nurse! Steve McQueen is the only “witness” left who knows what’s going on … so he goes to the police, but they think he’s just pulling a gag and being a juvenile delinquent. As a matter of fact, most of the movie is actually spent trying to convince the cops there IS a wad of rampant gravy eating its way across town! But Steve and Helen Crump eventually run into the gravy again — now big enough to devour an entire room — slithering its way through the town’s supermarket after-hours, when it’s supposed to be closed (OH MY GOD! HORRORS!). This is actually the ideal location to witness Thanksgiving gravy, isn’t it?

A gigantic wad of breathing Thanksgiving gravy is taking over the town!

So the teenagers decide to make noise to wake up the town (i.e., driving around honking their car horns … oy!) and warn them THEY’RE IN HUGE DANGER. By now the blob is creeping its way through the local movie theater (classic scene with everybody screaming and running out the front doors) and the local gas station (it ate a car and a couple of MECHANICS!) ... but thank God the fire department discovers that the blob can be frozen solid with fire extinguishers … so the chief of police, who originally thought the teenagers were just a bunch of screw-ups, calls the Air Force and asks them to fly the gravy, which is now the size of an entire grocery store, to the Arctic. And the last line of the movie is truly unforgettable: “Steve, will we ever see it again?” “Not as long as the Arctic stays frozen, Janie.” Holy shit, right?

And for all those reasons, I’d like to award The Blob with the Howdygram’s four star rating ★★★★ because it’s got excellent, realistic special effects (breathing gravy in Technicolor), screaming teenagers, lots of cars, reluctant cops … AND HOLLYWOOD’S EARLIEST KNOWN CLIMATE CHANGE WARNING! Thank you.

Thought I’d fill y’all in on yesterday’s visit from my hospice R.N., Stella. She dropped in around 4 p.m. to change the dressing on that wound on my left thigh … the one that’s being caused by friction from my catheter cord. (Holy shit, this is gruesome!) Anyhow, Stella ripped off the dressing (it felt like she ripped off half the skin on my thigh at the same time and it hurt like fuck) and then announced that the wound is getting bigger (what a shock) and proceeded to clean the entire area, which was a thoroughly miserable experience. And please keep in mind I also have to STAND UP for her to do all this, and standing is a horribly miserable experience all by itself.

I’d also like to report on three more medical issues … an OPEN WOUND behind my right ear (I’m already taking an antibiotic for this one) and a BIG RED NOSE BRUISE that I actually caused all by myself when I tightened my oxygen cannula one night after I put on my glasses, which caused my glasses to put additional pressure on the bridge of my nose, and whammo, by morning Sam could see my nose bruise from clear across the room. [Read more about The Par-Boiled Ear Incident and The Case of the Creeping Catheter Tube.]

In addition to my EAR WOUND and my BIG RED NOSE BRUISE, I’ve also got a SCREAMING BABY TOE that sprang back from the dead this week. All of a sudden I have to make sure to kick off my slippers when I sit at my computer workstation. This isn’t a huge deal, really, but I feel compelled to give you a thoroughly accurate picture of my head-to-toe medical complaints.

I’m a certifiable mess. I wish I could order spare parts from Amazon. ;So earlier today I texted my hospice administrator (Bea) to ask if we can cut back on that wretched bandage-ripping hoo-hah, and she agreed ... once a week (instead of twice a week) is more than enough. So Stella will be back next Monday, and my C.N.A. will be here this week on Wednesday (tomorrow) and Friday. I’m definitely a popular girl with a full calendar!

We’ve got a jumbo Wal-Mart order on the way today. All of the following products will be included … Louisiana Tartar Sauce, Great Value Country Sausage Gravy, Campbell’s Chicken Gravy, Heinz Cocktail Sauce, Heinz Homestyle Bistro Au Jus Sauce and (last but not least) greasy canned Banner sausage. (This is a single large lump of sausage, not little single weenies like Vienna Sausages.) For your possible interest, of all the products pictured below I’ve never ordered the following before: Great Value Country Sausage Gravy, Campbell’s Chicken Gravy, Heinz Homestyle Bistro Au Jus and Banner Sausage. I’m especially excited to try the canned sausage because: 1) I love easy food so Sam won’t have to horse around in the kitchen too much for me; 2) I might be able to eat this right out of the can with saltines; and 3) I can’t think of anything else. Ooh, I’m also excited about the Campbell’s Chicken Gravy because I like the picture AND you get 15% more ... it says so right on the label. So stay tuned for an upcoming food review!

We’ve had several rounds of thunderstorms rolling through here this afternoon — nice entertaining storms with dark clouds, thunder and plenty of rain — in addition to binge-watching “The Andy Griffith Show” on Netflix in-between “Twilight Zone” reruns. Trouble is, right now I’ve got some serious pain on the back of my left thigh, and Sam is pestering me to go back to the chaise lounge and put my feet up. (He has a point. I should do that.)

Thank you for reading this. Next time you remember the Alamo, maybe you should also floss.

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