Monday, July 2, 2018

Ensure is a liquid meal replacement for senior citizens with shitty appetites. (Like me.)

Another hot, sticky summer day in Texas … at 9:45 in the morning it’s already 89° outside, and the temperature is expected to reach 103°. As I write this post I’m waiting for a hospice C.N.A. to show up for my first bathing and powdering hoo-hah of the week. She’s running late today and can’t get here until noon, but I don’t mind because there’s nothing else to do, anyway.)

Sam made me a can of chicken noodle soup for lunch (Campbell’s) with a couple of canned Manischewitz matzo balls thrown in for excitement … plus a side order of napkins! I’ve actually had a very difficult time with food for the last couple of weeks. Mostly I’m existing on Popsicles and an occasional chocolate-flavored Ensure liquid meal replacement for senior citizens with shitty appetites. (Like me.) In case you haven’t had a chance to follow along with the Howdygam in recent days, I CAN’T SWALLOW any more! Food gets stuck halfway down my throat, at which time I’m faced with only two options: 1) regurgitate; or 2) choke to death.

Liquid meal replacement for senior citizens with shitty appetites.

Not being able to swallow solid food isn’t my only medical issue right now, though. I’m also extremely fatigued, I’ve got lots of chronic pain issues plaguing me — a screaming baby toe on my left foot, leaking pressure sores on the back of both thighs, a stiff right shoulder and severely arthritic knees — but in spite of everything I’ve been trying to stay screwy and cheerful. It’s not always easy, but it definitely helps that I can spend part (or most) of every day seated in front of my iMac computer designing greeting cards, mugs — and more — for The Howdygram Store. I’m developing a new line of hilarious Donald Trump greetings cards. I’ll post them here as soon as I’ve got the artwork finished up.

In case you’re wondering, for pain I’m taking 30mg extended release Morphine twice a day along with 20mg Norco tablets as needed. I take at least four Norcos a day. I’m a housebound, one-woman opioid epidemic!

As I write this post Sam and I are semi-conscious and watching a weird “bedroom comedy” called Smarty (1934) starring Joan Blondell and Warren William … it’s about spousal abuse, of all things! Joan and Warren play a married couple, he hauls off and slugs her in the eye when she won’t stop teasing him, somebody decides to file for divorce, their best friends try to weasle in on the action ... and on and on. In some ways the plot is very modern; in others it’s positively despicable. I might have to delete this idiotic screech-fest and watch an old stand-by favorite instead … Forbidden Planet (1956) starring Anne Francis, Walter Pidgeon and Leslie Nielsen.

Warren William, Joan Blondell and Edward Everett Horton in “Smarty.”

My stomach is feeling settled right now, so there’s no reason I shouldn’t be able to eat, swallow and digest something fun and wonderful for dinner. What comes to mind first is a jar of PICKLED BEETS WITH SOUR CREAM … one of my favorite “flavor profiles” and a delightful feast for a hot summer night. It’s like eating beet borscht, except it’s not easy to find beet borscht here in Southern Baptistland. However I just did a search on Wal-Mart’s website, and I’m excited to announce that Wal-Mart carries Manischewitz Beet Borscht now ... with free two-day shipping! I might have a BRAIN HEMORRHAGE about this! (FYI, the last time I ordered beet borscht online was from Manischewitz’s website about six years ago. They were charging $4.59 for a 24 oz. jar plus $14.95 for shipping. Disgraceful.)

Manischewitz Beet Borscht is a heavenly cold soup eaten with sour cream.

And so here’s what’s going on tonight at Howdygram headquarters! In a word, NOT VERY MUCH. (Okay, three words.) I had to wake Sam about half an hour ago for more food because the pickled beets were tasty but not particularly substantial. So I request a can of Chef Boyardee Ravioli, and — of course! — THE VERY FIRST GODDAMN BITE gets stuck in my throat, at which time I have to ask Sam to bring me a barf bowl FAST and help me sit up. Turns out I really didn’t need either, thank God. Eventually I just burped (excuse me) and finished my mug of ravioli.

I wish I knew what the hell is wrong with me. Brain damage comes to mind …

I have to go to bed now. Remember the Alamo, okay?

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