Friday, May 4, 2018

Tomorrow I’m going to wash my hair with one of those no-rinse shampoo shower cap thingies for coots.

FRIDAY, 9:18 A.M. It’s pouring rain right now but Sam decided not to postpone his “do” list this morning. Therefore he’s on his way to the barber shop for a haircut and then to Wal-Mart for a few grocery essentials … frozen steak fries, bananas, baby carrots and Wal-Mart’s store brand frozen batter-dipped fish fillets because they’re the best frozen fish fillets we’ve ever had. They’re tasty, they’re the perfect size, they don’t smell when you bake them and we can make dinner for two in our toaster oven. I recommend pairing them with Wal-Mart’s store brand tartar sauce and some steak fries. WHAT AN OUTSTANDING MEAL!

So here’s the scoop today from Howdygram headquarters: I’M IN PAIN AGAIN. Lots of it ... all chronic. My various complaints include: 1) horrible skin pain on the back of both thighs that feels like a third-degree burn; 2) the baby toe on my left foot is SCREAMING at me; 3) my heels are burning; and 4) uncontrollable pishing as the result of taking Lasix, the nuclear-powered diuretic for individuals such as moi with congestive heart failure. As a matter of fact, I’m feeling so fucking miserable that I might just take an extra dose of Norco and lie down on the chaise for a while. The pain vanishes as soon as I elevate my leg and foot, which means I can actually enjoy a nice movie and drift off to sleep. Today’s entertainment will be one of my favorite film noir thrillers ... Laura (1944) starring Gene Tierney, Clifton Webb and Dana Andrews.

Clifton Webb and Gene Tierney in Otto Preminger’s “Laura.”

FRIDAY, 7:22 P.M. I’m pleased to announce that my chronic pain has dropped from a “10” to a “3” … thanks to regular (and frequent) doses of Norco this afternoon plus a nice long nap on the chaise. Sam and I are enjoying Maisie Is a Lady (1941) starring Ann Sothern and Lew Ayres. Ever seen any of the Maisie movies? Ann Sothern made 10 of them, and they’re all adorable. I recorded three of them on Turner Classic Movies a couple of days ago. Next on our agenda tonight is Polo Joe (1936), a comedy starring Joe E. Brown. We’ve got a full life.

Ann Sothern (right) in “Maisie Is a Lady.”

Saturday will be a huge hoo-hah here at Howdygram headquarters. Not only is it Cinco de Mayo, it’s also Kentucky Derby Day … AND my buddy Tiger Woods is playing in round three of the Wells Fargo Tournament at Quail Hollow. Holy crap … so many important events, ALL IN ONE DAY! Obviously I’ll have more than enough quality entertainment tomorrow, and I’ve already got more than enough snacks on hand to help me enjoy them all. I’m just hoping I’ll have no pain issues to wreck everything. I just have to take one day at a time. And tomorrow I’m going to wash my hair with one of those no-rinse shampoo shower cap thingies for coots who can’t stick their head in a sink any more.

The no-rinse shampooo shower cap thingie for coots.

Thank you for stopping by, thank you for reading this, and thank you in advance for trying to remember the Alamo … because I’ve been having one hell of a time with that. Shalom, okay?

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