Tuesday, June 23, 2015

E.Coli bacteria is typically added to food and beverages at no additional charge.

Good morning from the bowels of north Texas, where we’re expecting a high today near 95° with tons of sunshine and enough humidity (60%) to make the Everglades eat their goddamn heart out. It’s definitely way too swampy around here and it almost makes me grateful to be a housebound senior citizen with shitty knees.

Yes, dear readers ... many, many brands of purified bottled water are being recalled after officials discovered E.Coli bacteria in one of the springs used by Niagara Bottling. Niagara is recalling water produced at the Hamburg and Allentown facilities in Pennsylvania from June 10 through 18. Bottles are marked with a code beginning with “A” or “F” and followed by numbers representing the day, month and year.
E.Coli is caused by contamination from human or animal poop and is typically added to food and beverages at no additional charge.

The brands of bottled water affected by this recall are: Acadia, Acme, Big Y, Best Yet, 7-11, Niagara, Nature’s Place, PriceRite, Superchill, Morning Fresh, Shaws, ShopRite, Western Beef Blue, LiquiShit Gold, SparkleTurd and Wegmans. The Howdygram strongly recommends Diet Sunkist orange soda as a healthy alternative beverage.

The Howdygram is grieved to announce the demise of child star George “Foghorn” Wentzlaff, who died yesterday from a heart attack at age 69. An unforgettable little frog-voiced scene-stealer during the early 1950s, George retired from show business at age 12 after co-starring in blockbusters like Gentlemen Prefer Blondes (1953) with Marilyn Monroe and Mister Scoutmaster (1953) with Clifton Webb and Edmund Gwenn.
Wentzlaff served in the Navy during the Viet Nam war, retired four years ago from a career at the U.S. Post Office and shared his home in Camp Meeker, California, with about 25 cats. (We’re guessing he picked up a lot of strays while he delivered the mail.) Rest in peace, Foghorn!

Tomorrow is our biweekly Schwan’s delivery day here at Howdygram headquarters, and in case you’ve got a passing interest in tasty frozen food that’s delivered to your door I thought I’d share pictures of everything I ordered. For the record, this is the very first time we’re trying Schwan’s fetal corn and flaky biscuits. Wow, right?

Even though it’s almost 8:45 p.m. and I haven’t eaten dinner yet, I thought I’d continue to plow ahead with the Howdygram and continue to add critical content. For instance, I BOUGHT THINGS TODAY! They include: 1) a bag of 100 fancy lancets — i.e., finger-stabbers — for my CoaguChek XS meter from a seller on eBay so I can continue to operate my monthly home-based Clots “R” Us clinic; 2) a gorgeous and very huge 30-inch diameter black and bronze wall clock from Kirkland’s for the kitchen; and 3) Glucerna shakes in three different flavors because I have diabetes and they taste great.
Incidentally, this morning the essential little LED clock on our wall-mounted microwave burned out (has this ever happened to you?) so I decided the next best thing would be a great big wall clock for the kitchen that’s visible and easy to read from several different rooms. I browsed all of my favorite décor websites today — including Amazon, Hayneedle, Wayfair, Home Decorators, Overstock and Lamps Plus — before I found the clock (and the price) I wanted at Kirkland’s. I will ask Sam to mount our new clock on the wall above the pantry door. I’M SO DAMN EXCITED I MIGHT HAVE A BRAIN HEMORRHAGE!

Designer Marc Jacobs’ latest menswear collection is a sight to behold, people. Basically it all looks like shit you picked up at the Salvation Army accessorized with fabric flip-flops and an occasional purse. I’ve labeled each outfit for clarity and pointed out the salient features in red with little arrows. All that aside, DOES ANYBODY REMEMBER WHEN FASHION MODELS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD-LOOKING?

And now I think it’s time for a mid-evening bathroom break, today’s episode of “People’s Court” and assorted snacks in the family room. Probably chips because I don’t know if I can stand up long enough to nuke a bag of Pop Secret ... although I might surprise myself!

Thank you for reading this.

No comments: