Mazel tov, America!

It’s a hot and sticky Friday night here in north Texas, although I can’t really write about the weather with first-hand experience because I never leave the house. At present I’m lolling in the air-conditioned comfort of Howdygram headquarters with a nice cold can of Diet Sunkist and a large bottle of prescription painkillers. Life is very, very good.

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We’ve got more big juicy news today, people! Just like yesterday when SCOTUS voted to uphold the Obamacare subsidies and the day before when Confederate flags finally stopped flying in Dixie, today the Supreme Court announced that same-sex couples have a legal right to marry in all 50 states, establishing a new civil right and handing gay rights advocates a huge historic victory. MAZEL TOV, AMERICA!

While the rest of us were celebrating, however, right-wing heads were exploding nationwide. I’ll begin here in Texas, where the Supreme Court’s decision left the state “reeling,” and Republican Governor Greg Abbott issued a directive ordering state agencies to comply with the Texas Religious Freedom Restoration Act. The directive states that agencies should make sure nobody “takes any adverse action against” people “substantially motivated by sincere religious beliefs.”

In a written statement Abbott said, “As I have done in the past, I will continue to defend the religious liberties of all Texans — including those whose conscience dictates that marriage is only the union of one man and one woman. He also wrote that the Supreme Court has become “an unelected nine-member legislature.”

What the fuck?! Will somebody please explain to these terrified little shitbags that marriage is a CIVIL CONTRACT, not a blessing from Jesus! Licenses to marry are issued by state agencies and divorce is handled through a court of law. Naturally, Texas’ attorney general Ken Paxton said, “This ruling will embolden those who seek to punish people who take a moral stand based on their conscience or religion. It is not acceptable that people of faith be exposed to such abuse.” 

Abuse? Is somebody is abusing all those poor, downtrodden Christians again?!

But although he disapproves of the Supreme Court’s decision, Paxton said that Texas will follow the ruling and county clerks in Texas began issuing marriage licenses to gay couples on Friday. Sort of. Here’s a helpful map from the Dallas Morning News indicating where you can get gay-married today in the Lone Star State.

We also heard from 2016 Republican clown car candidate Senator Turd Cruz on this topic today, demanding a rewrite of the Constitution to bring back same-sex marriage bans and introducing legislation to strip the federal courts of jurisdiction over marriage.” Cruz also referred to the Supreme Court’s two rulings (the Obamacare subsidies and same-sex marriage) as “some of the darkest 24 hours in our nation’s history.” Seriously, Ted? Health insurance for 16 million Americans and marriage equality are darker than 9/11, Pearl Harbor or the devastation of Hurricane Katrina?!

Congressman Louie Gohmert, Texas’ favorite right-wing conspiracy theorist, had a nervous breakdown today, too, claiming that marriage equality means “Jesus will stop protecting the United States.” Gohmert said: “It is a tragic and ominous day for the United States when a decision by five unelected justices of the U.S. Supreme Court blatantly violates the law in order to destroy the foundational building block for society provided by divine law handed down by Moses and Jesus.” Holy shit! I completely forgot that Moses and Jesus wrote the Constitution!

I’ve got statements and reactions from two other morons if you’re interested ... both of them jockeying for seats in the 2016 Republican clown car. After the Supreme Court announced its ruling to legalize same-sex marriage nationwide, some of the 2016 Republican candidates lambasted the justices as wrong, illegal, groundless and ILLEGITIMATE. Former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee — Duggar-lover and friend of child molesters — set the stage with his statement, “I will not acquiesce to an imperial court.”An imperial court? Where does this jowly old cornpone think we are, tsarist Russia?

And then Louisiana Governor Piyush “Call Me Bobby” Jindal kicked in with the finisher: “If we want to save some money let’s just get rid of the court.” Holy shit, people. I don’t get it. How can a sitting governor who’s running for President make a seditious statement like this?! IS HE OUT OF HIS FUCKING MIND?

On the plus side, however, conservative CNN contributor S.E. Cupp provided the following amazing commentary in support of the Supreme Court’s decision today. This is the first time I’ve ever agreed with anything she’s said.

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We’ve got a substantial line of big, noisy thunderstorms rolling through here tonight. So far this has included thunder, rain, a lot of lightning, bursts of unexpected wind, no hail and two brief power failures. Because I no longer have anything left to say tonight I think I’ll park myself in the family room for a while and wait for Sam to get home from work. I also need a large volume of food as soon as possible.

Thank you for reading this!