Sunday, April 19, 2015

I don’t care if Florida sinks and I don’t give a shit about spotted owls.

Good morning, shalom, pass the soy sauce and how’s the family! We survived a night of wild storms here at Howdygram headquarters that included an awesome feast from King China accompanied by heavy rain, thunder, lightning and powerful swooshy wind with no basketball-size hail. (Thank God for no hail. Nobody needs hail.) To celebrate the day after another crazy Texas storm I would like to post all of the important events currently filling my agenda. In case you give a crap.

I HAVE A PRESCRIPTION READY AT WAL-MART. No kidding, I really do! This time it’s my 90-day refill of Amitriptyline, happy pills an antidepressant that also relieves pain from diabetic peripheral neuropathy. Amitriptyline is good stuff.

CLOTS “R” US OPENS FOR BUSINESS THIS WEEK. On Tuesday I get to use my shiny new CoaguChek XS meter for the very first time and report my results to Dr. M’s office. This is a very big hoo-hah and nothing whatsoever to sneeze at, because now Sam won’t have to shlep me back and forth to the lab every week for a routine fingerstick test to check my prothrombin time (i.e., how fast my blood coagulates). This is REALLY EXCITING because I enjoy do-it-yourself activities that involve blood. Please stay tuned for further developments from Clots “R” Us!
For your possible interest, individuals such as moi who take a blood thinner like Coumadin or Warfarin to prevent strokes have to be tested regularly to make sure our blood clotting speed stays within a certain range. If the result is too high or too low your meds get adjusted until you’re back “in range” ... which means extra blood tests. Oh boy, right?

EARTH DAY IS WEDNESDAY, APRIL 22. I’m as fond of our planet as the next guy but I can’t seem to get all worked up about Earth Day.

I don’t worry about pollution, I don’t worry about trash floating in the Pacific, I don’t worry about melting glaciers, I don’t like recycling, I don’t care if Florida sinks and I don’t give a shit about spotted owls. To tell you the truth, as a retired senior citizen the only things that actually concern me are my next meal, what’s on TCM and can I make it to the bathroom. But if Earth Day is your shtick we hope you get lots of nice presents from the 2015 Burpee Seed catalog and celebrate to the hilt. Go hug a few tomato plants for me and tell ’em Marcy sent you.

A SUNDAY ONLINE SHOPPING EXTRAVAGANZA. Early this morning I realized I was running low on an essential senior citizen soup ingredient: Harmony House dehydrated Italian vegetables. They’ve been out of stock on Amazon for the last couple of weeks so I bit the proverbial bullet today and ordered directly from the manufacturer ... which turned out to be a reasonably brilliant solution, because THEIR INTERNET PRICES ARE EXACTLY THE SAME AS AMAZON’S. So I ordered two canisters of Harmony House Italian vegetable mix — an awesome blend of kidney beans, zucchini, tomato, green beans, cabbage and onions — and a shaker jar of Tomato Plus Seasoning, which is tomato powder and assorted spices for soup.
Immediately afterwards I ordered the following additional ingredients from Amazon. The teeny potato dices get excellent reviews from lovers of teeny diced potatoes and I think I’ll enjoy them a lot in my next pot of senior citizen soup.
HUGE NEWS FROM CLEVELAND. On April 18 the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame finally corrected a ridiculous and glaring oversight by inducting 74-year-old former Beatle Ringo Starr — who has released 19 solo albums during the last three decades and still looks like he’s 35 — as an individual artist and presenting him with their prestigious Award for Musical Excellence. In his acceptance speech Ringo confessed the secrets to the Beatles enormous early success: 1) always share a hotel room when you’re out of town even if you’re millionaires; and 2) when you travel in a van own up to your farts so your pals will learn to trust you. (Ringo forgot to mention talent. I’ll bet talent had a lot to do with it, too.)

Sam and I are enjoying a quiet and lazy Sunday afternoon here at Howdygram headquarters. I’m seriously considering my second nap of the day, although a large quantity of food also sounds like a good idea due to it’s already 3:30, my stomach is making noise like a defective transmission and I think I forgot to eat lunch. A good William Powell movie would be swell, too. Let me know if you want to come over, okay? We’ll save you some room on the sofa.

Thank you for reading this.

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