Thursday, March 5, 2015

The Dallas/Fort Worth metro area has two snowplows, no road salt and an abundance of lunatic drivers in pickup trucks.

DATELINE MESQUITE — 3:15 A.M. Yup, it’s nasty outside tonight just like everybody predicted. Yesterday we had a whole day of substantial cold rain followed by an evening of substantial ice, substantial wind, sunbstantial sleet and repulsive little substantial slush pellets, and now — glorioski — IT’S SNOWING HERE. The blue shit on the following map denotes snow, pink denotes ice, and the teeny red star denotes Howdygram headquarters. If you zoom in you’ll see Sam asleep in the family room watching an Ann Sothern movie and I’m in the study enjoying a Marcytini and a sugar-free Russell Stover marshmallow Easter egg. L’chaim, yall. I’m going to bed as soon as I finish my classy late-night snack. There’s nothing quite like a marshmallow Easter egg.
Incidentally, in case you’re wondering what Howdygram headquarters looks like in the snow, here’s a photo taken a couple of years ago by Sam. (I don’t go outside when there’s weather.)

Scooting ahead a few hours, it’s 7:30 a.m. now, the snow has stopped falling, Howdygramland is blanketed in four inches of frozen white fluffy crap piled on top of ice, and Sam — bless his little heart — is still in bed, asleep. I doubt very much if he’ll go to work again today since the high temperature isn’t expected to rise above freezing until late afternoon — and only to 34° if we’re lucky — and the Dallas/Fort Worth metro area has two snowplows, no road salt and an abundance of lunatic drivers in pickup trucks.

This morning I’d like to provide an update on a variety of my ongoing medical conditions for those of you who give a crap.
  • WEIRDO SIDE EFFECTS. My four new prescriptions — Metoprolol, Coumadin, Gabapentin and Hydrocodone — are providing a sudden flurry of fun yet crazy side effects that include: 1) dry mouth; 2) fast headaches; 3) an uncontrollable urge to pee; 4) diarrhea; 5) severe clumsiness; and 6) vivid nightmares. I am particularly annoyed with number 3, which happens more often than I wish to commit in print, number 5, as if falling down in the family room while carrying a bowl of chili and stabbing your stomach on the coffee table aren’t already shitty enough [see earlier post], and number 6, which seems to be getting WORSE. Last night I dreamed that world wars are started by words that pile up in large Ziploc bags stored in my refrigerator. It scared the living crap out of me and now I’m terrified of leftovers.
  • MY HEART RATE IS TOO DAMN HIGH AGAIN. I have atrial fibrillation, people, which is a bona fide heart condition that’s being treated by a really nice bona fide cardiologist, Dr. Singh. A few weeks ago Dr. Singh prescribed Metoprolol to slow my heart rate, which worked well for the first couple of weeks and my pulse dropped from 120 to 83. I even bought a finger pulse oximeter from Amazon so I can check it myself at home and call in my results. Unfortunately, my heart rate has been creeping back up for the last few days and today it’s 93. This pisses me off a lot, so if you’ll tell me who to slap I’ll be glad to do it.
  • I CAN’T SWALLOW THINGS. This is a freaky and very upsetting condition caused by diabetic autonomic neuropathy that comes and goes every now and then. Whenever I eat or drink MY THROAT STOPS WORKING and I sit like a panicked zombie waiting for whatever it is to make its way down my esophagus. It’s painful, it’s scary because you think you’re going to choke to death, and whoever’s sitting across from you gets extremely freaked out by the expression on your face. During the last few days all of the following have been stuck in my throat: Wal-Mart potato chips, Coke Zero, a sugar-free Russell Stover Easter bunny, braunschweiger, thin-crust pizza, two teeny Russell Stover solid milk chocolate Easter eggs, Easy Cheesy Rice for Senior Citizens with Shitty Knees in a Pot and hot & sour soup.
  • HYDROCODONE IS A NARCOTIC MADE IN HEAVEN and it’s doing exactly what it was designed to do: MAKE ME DRUNK and ALLEVIATE PAIN. For instance, I slur my words, conk out on the chaise in the family room for hours, stare off into space for indescribably long chunks of time and — most importantly — MY KNEES AND FEET DON’T HURT ANY MORE. This is the best drug I’ve ever owned and I don’t care if it’s addicting because I’m taking it four times a day for the rest of my life.

And now ... it’s almost 9 p.m. and time to chill out in the family room with Sam and a plate of food. Tonight I’m making Canned Pot Roast for Senior Citizens with Tasty Faux Jus on a pile of low-carb pasta rice. Except tonight instead of faux jus I’m considering a mug of  real McCormick instant premium brown gravy because I’m worth it.
Thank you for reading this.

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